Please… No Snacks!
Last week, I took the boys, as usual, to piano lessons, which take place at our piano teacher’s house. Over the years we’ve been going, the kids’ lesson times have changed — we’ve been there on Fridays before dinner, Wednesdays immediately after school, and now, midday on Saturdays. While one of them practices in the sunroom-turned-music-room off our teacher’s living room, I sit in the living room with the other kid.
I always implore the kids to bring something to do while they’re waiting — homework, a book, a word search (James went through a bizarre phase of wanting me to buy those cheap word-search magazines at the supermarket — the kind you see Stanley using on The Office), whatever.
But I never bring food. Reason #2 I never bring food to the piano teacher’s house is that I disagree that kids need Goldfish crackers as a distraction, or even, at my kids’ ages, that they can’t deal with a spot of hunger if it’s just before or after a meal. (More on the snack culture later!) And reason #1?
IT’S NOT OUR HOUSE!
We are sitting on (white) couches in our piano teacher’s living room. Where she lives. With her family. I would never presume to eat in her home without invitation. But when we showed up last week, we saw this hand-lettered sign on her coffee table:
Disconcerting that this sign is necessary at a private home!
I asked our teacher about the sign, and it turns out — surprise! — she’s getting tired of cleaning cracker crumbs and popcorn bits out of her couch cushions, mopping up spilled drinks and, this is the kicker, scraping old gum off the underside of the coffee table.
Dear God. Really? Gum?
I’ve railed against the snack culture before — from the time, when my boys were a baby and a toddler and we showed up for a bookstore story time, at 10 a.m., and were the only family there without a lunchbox full of snacks — to recently, when I glanced around the poolside while I watched the kids’ swim lessons, and saw parent after parent, chatting with each other, reading, or texting, and pulling bags of Cheerios and chips and crackers and Goldfish out of their bags for the younger kids. I do get that toddlers’ tiny tummies require more frequent filling, but come on.
The other issue I’ve been outspoken about (but maybe not enough!) is the notion that no group of children can come together for any reason without a snack. Girl Scout meeting? Donuts! Sport? Don’t get me started!
No. Wait. Get me started, because I gotta tell you something cool. Soccer season just started again, and this year, again, James’ coach is his dad. I was getting geared up for my usual job as Mrs. Coach, which means making sure hubby emails everyone (and proofreading the emails); checking the roster; and organizing the snack schedule. Traditionally the snack parents are responsible for half-time fruit (orange slices are popular); and an end-of-game treat. Munchkins, chips, cookies, juice.
So. Not. Necessary. And kind of depressing to see these kids who just spent, what, maybe all of 30 minutes actually exercising (given sitting on the sidelines and daydreaming in defense), double-fisting Munchkins. It always seemed like a crazed feeding frenzy; I would imagine a nature-documentary voice-over: “you’ll notice that one child uses the basic hip check to be sure he gets the last chocolate donut. Now watch the younger sibling nearly get decapitated trying to enter the snack scrum…”
For me, the parent who allows either one or zero desserts per day, the post-game Munchkins meant no treat after dinner (a rule my kids understand, but what they don’t know is I may have wanted to, say, take them out for ice cream later — I like ice cream, too! — but not after they mainlined that much sugar earlier).
Here’s what I (well, we, because Coach Dad, an exercise scientist by trade, is behind me on it) suggested: Snack parents’ only task would be half-time fruit. Everyone should bring water for their kid. And that … would be that.
Bracing myself for parental push-back (aw, let the kids have a treat! They work hard!), and kid whining (where are the Munchkins?!) I started preparing my arguments.
Didn’t have to use any of them. No one pushed back. Which leads me to think, I had more allies than I thought. You need me to be the bad guy? I’ll take it.
And you gum chewers? Please. Stick your wad in your pocket when you’re done if you don’t have a tissue or something.
Seriously. Gross.
September 28, 2012 @ 4:37 pm
I’ll admit that I’m a parent that brings snacks for Little Man *everywhere*…but he has a medical reason for that and I generally try to discourage constant snacking when we’re out anywhere, but sometimes, he needs it.
I do agree about the cookies and other sugary treats, though. No one needs that many.
September 28, 2012 @ 10:07 pm
Amen, sister!!! The snack culture is OUT OF CONTROL!
I am taking my 3 year old to a weekly guide-led nature walk at a wildlife sanctuary. Several moms bring snacks and dole them out to the kids along the way. OF COURSE, my little girl wants some because all the other kids are having it. It bums me out because it takes the focus away from our intended purpose. I gently brought the topic up and was told that it helped motivate the kids to keep walking, especially up a big hill near the end. I wish the guide could forbid food. Water is fine… snacks are unnecessary and distracting.
The story about the piano teacher is just horrible. It is a perfect example of two of my parenting pet peeves. Snacks and bad manners. I love your point about, IT’S NOT MY HOUSE!!! So right on.
September 28, 2012 @ 10:18 pm
Wait, Margaret, WHAT?! Snacks to cajole three year olds to … move? Outside?!
The mind boggles. Thanks for sharing that little story, though. Wow.
Denise
September 29, 2012 @ 7:53 am
I agree Denise, mostly. There are kids, especially the very active, that need extra calories to stay healthy. Of course, not Munchkins or a Snickers but I see no problem using any, and I do mean ANY!! opportunity to pump extra calories into my child. Having a “skinny” children that love to run track, bike ride and just basically, keep “moving” is a problem that we don’t here much about. But it is a problem. I have nuts, granola bars, black beans and yes, sometimes Goldfish to stuff into them whenever I (respectfully) can.
The problem HERE is that the parents are being manipulated by bribing the children to sit quietly, to behave, to play hard or to even walk! Parents are afraid to say, “no”!! Bottom line. And god forbid they had to say “no” at the end of the game when all the other kids would partake…
Snacking has gotten out of control but that’s an individual decision. It’s the WHERE (in someone else’s house) the WHAT ( crumby, sticky, gooey) and WHY (because they just…cant…say…NO!!) that’s bothersome.
September 29, 2012 @ 9:28 am
This was interesting! I didn’t know about the ‘snack culture’. I have a toddler, but I’m already seeing how it could get out of control. We went to a birthday party recently and almost all of the kids under 3 had a snack cup filled with cheerios, Goldfish, etc. including us. I agree with Trish that it’s an individual decision about the where, what, and why. Some places and situations are not appropriate for snack time!
September 29, 2012 @ 9:48 am
Denise,
You talk about a great point here. We wonder where our young adults get the idea that every activity has to involve food – obviously we can trace it back to the parents. Habits begin at a young age – it’s up to us as parents to teach what is best for the long run, not for that moment. All too often parents today want the quick fix, they’re not willing to stick to their guns for the bigger lesson.
Renee Anne & Trish – you have a different goal in mind – so that’s perfectly fine. For the most of us, food at all times is just used as a pacificer. It’s time to think of the bigger picture, what’sa best for the child IN THE LONG RUN. No one every said parenting was going to be all smiles. Denise – I applaud you for doing what’s best for your kids!
September 29, 2012 @ 11:30 am
I think kids need to eat when they are hungry, and that point is different from every child. I do NOT think kids need to be given food to motivate them to move, do their homework, etc.
I don’t know if you heard of the book “Bringing Up Bebe” by Pamela Druckerman. I haven’t read it, but people who did said that one of the things she points out as a difference between American children and French children is that French children don’t snack all day long and French children actually eat their dinners. It’s obvious to me that this “late afternoon snack and then nothing until dinner” thing wouldn’t work for my family, because my kids go to bed at 7.
I’ve got one that is super skinny and small and picky, and one that is small and sturdier and not at all picky. They both have very different eating habits and needs. My daughter needs to eat every 60-90 minutes and she puts away a LOT of food. My son needs longer in between meals to work up an appetite, but he also will not eat food he doesn’t like, no matter how hungry he is. Having an appetite will not make him eat mashed potatoes. And I’m much the same way as my daughter. My food bag for work is filled with things like bags of grape tomatoes, protein bars, hardboiled eggs or mini bagels with peanut butter. My job is physical and hard and I need to eat frequently. However, our rules on snacking are pretty clear. Kids that picked at their dinner don’t get anything else to eat before bed, but a kid that ate well and still seems legitimately hungry can eat a banana or a soft pretzel or something.
It’s disgusting to put gum anywhere but in the trash can! And I can’t imagine letting a kid eat in someone else’s living room. My own kids are only allowed to eat at the table, except with specific permission (IE popcorn while watching a movie).
September 29, 2012 @ 1:40 pm
Good points all. At our house, we try to differentiate between a “snack” and a “treat”. Donuts, cookies, candy are treats. They are few and far between. My kids have a snack of fruit, cheese, or even a piece of toast on days when they have sports practice and dinner will be delayed. I am very anti-snack at sports events. I am coaching my 11 year-olds volleyball team and since no one sent out a snack schedule, two moms showed up with snack for the second game after the kids had nothing after the first game. Ugh! I truthfully don’t think the girls even noticed they didn’t get anything!
September 30, 2012 @ 1:15 am
Totally agree with you on the perils of snack culture. Since when did it become socially appropriate for children to eat whatever they want, whenever they want it, wherever they are? Eating in someone’s house without having been invited to do so is just plain rude! Leaving a mess behind defies all logic.
We make a conscious effort to only feed our 13-month-old at designated meal and snack times, yet it seems that every activity or play place we attend is full of children running all over the place with pouch purées or Snack Trap containers and Ziploc baggies full of Goldfish and Cheerios. I get really tired of having to pick/wipe up other children’s food messes so that my son doesn’t consume the remnants. If parents want to feed their children snacks all day, that’s their prerogative to do so, but at the very least, it would be nice if they could seat their children properly at a table or on the floor, away from the toys, and clean up their messes afterwards. There is no need for children to be snacking while they are busy running around and playing.
September 30, 2012 @ 3:41 pm
Fascinating article, Denise.
Where we live, kids are not allowed to bring any sugary or salty snacks to school. Except on their birthdays – which is when every child gets a piece of cake (but no presents or sweets or whatever).
At school they are allowed to drink water or milk.
Our sports teachers and coaches would be speechless if kids brought that kind of food with them.
My kids have never had snacks before, during or after their soccer, swimming, hockey, etc., classes. They always have a bottle of water with them however.
I really can’t understand why parents stuff their kids’ faces with that sort of food – knowing, as we all do, that it is awfully unhealthy for them.
I know it’s all about being too lazy to say no etc., but, quite frankly, whenever it comes to a child’s health and safety, this is simply unacceptable.
And no, I’m not a health-obsessed dragon mother – my kids get – and love – their dessert. 😉
Bee
October 1, 2012 @ 7:15 am
Denise, very good article and very nice blog, I like it very much. I am a really mean Italian mom (yes it’s possible) living in Germany. First of all Italians don’t snack that much, they are more used to bigger meals. But Germans do and this is one of things I notice the most abroad, people eating anything everywhere.
My children have lunch at school and two breaks where they eat what parents give them, following the school’srules:
no sweets, no junk food, one piece of fruit or vegetable is compulsory, acceptable is something like bread with jam, or ham or cheese or anything similar, yogurt or milk. Plastic stuff must be taken back home, up to anyone to figure out how to recycle.
If my children come home and they are hungry they can eat what they did not finish at school (guess what? It’s almost always the vegetable) or they can wait for dinner. And if they want to finish their snack they do it. In the kitchen. Sitting on a chair. In front of a table. With a dish on it. And with the food on the dish. I really don’t understand how people can eat in all kinds of places, like the locker room after sports, the street, the doctor’s waiting room, the living room of the piano teacher? Believe me, children can survive without food and water for an hour. Maybe even two. It works. They don’t starve, they don’t faint, nothing really happens.
And the only thing they need at sport practice is water.Like everybody else in their teams. Only the little ones get a candy after practice from the trainer. But after they turn six that would be so uncool and baby-like. No way.
October 1, 2012 @ 11:04 am
I am so fed-up (hahaha) with the snack culture. It drives me nuts. My son plays soccer and it irritates me how all the boys finish the game, shake hands, then run to the sidelines yelling “snacks! snacks!” Like mine would starve without that bag of Doritos. Blech.
My latest irritation is Pizza Hut is now encouraging kids to read by working with the schools to give each kid who reads so many books for the month a free pizza. Okay. 1. Why do we need to encourage kids to read by plying them with junk food? What lesson are we teaching our kids when we say if you do the awful work of reading you should reward yourself with salt and fat? 2. Why is Pizza Hut being allowed to advertise to our children in such blatant fashion? 3. What is the point of “challenges” like this when all they measure is how many books the kids read? Sooner or later they’ll figure out they don’t have to read that 150-page chapter book when they can read 6 picture books instead and be that much closer to a crap pizza.
I have just learned about Food Day (http://www.foodday.org/) and would really like to bring that to our area. There are no events for 80 miles around us…
October 1, 2012 @ 11:12 am
Sorry, just one more anecdote because this topic is close to my heart. We were at a museum this weekend with outdoor walkways between buildings. There were not many people there, and my son was having a great time running and playing on the walkways (he was not disturbing anyone). At one point we passed a family, mom and dad both extremely obese and huffing along, and tiny toddler running and skipping happily in front. “Mackenzie! (or whatever her name was)” They called. “Come back here and finish your snack!” They handed her a bag of [whatever] to eat while she walked along slowly next to them. Almost made me cry. I know I shouldn’t judge… I don’t know the situation. But sheesh. Let the kid run.
October 3, 2012 @ 3:27 pm
I’m sooooo with you on this one! I have a tiny toddler. He is 26 months old now and has been in the 5th percentile since he was 6 months old, and doctors have been trying to scare me about his size all that time. I have to admit, it worked for awhile, and I was constantly and desperately trying to convince him to eat. All. the. time. I tried not to put pressure on him, but I made food available whenever he wanted it. The result of all of this was that, by the time he was 18 months old, he had become an extremely picky eater, who ate far more snack type foods (“healthy” snacks, but still snacks) than I felt comfortable with, and he was still tiny. I knew something needed to change. So, I picked up the book “French Kids Eat Everything” by Karen Le Billon. This was the beginning of my quest to change my parenting, and is what led me to the “Mean Mom” site!
Now, my son eats 3 meals/day and one snack. He has a desert most days, but this is completely up to parental discretion. His meals are much more balanced, and he is required to try everything on his plate. He doesn’t have to eat it all, but he has to taste it before he can have seconds of whatever his favorite item is.
The result? He is still small, but healthy, active, and a very good eater (he even likes sauerkraut!). Meals are sooo much more relaxed around here, and I am not constantly following him around with bags of cheerios.
The only drawback? Now I am constantly irritated when I attend other events and people are not only feeding their kids all the time, but insist on feeding mine! I can tell they feel sorry for the him. Really! He can handle watching other kids snack now and then if he’s just had a huge breakfast himself. He’ll live.
October 4, 2012 @ 10:00 am
I have somewhat of a different take on the whole idea of snacks. My son is 5, athletic and all-around active. When he’s not at school, he’s outside, playing tag, finding worms and crickets, shooting hoops, practicing soccer, you name it. He has always been what I call a “grazer” (I tend to be, too), so I almost always have snacks on hand whether it’s at home or when we’re out and about (fruit, cut-up veggies, cheese sticks, trail mix, almonds, pretzels, granola bars, fruit leather, etc). But he also eats everything set before him when it comes to breakfast, lunch and dinner – things like mushroom/spinach quiche, eggplant curry, even the turnips and cabbage I served the other night, LOL! So I can’t complain – in fact, about the only thing he doesn’t like, oddly enough, is blueberries. Go figure.
So, the whole snack culture thing doesn’t bother me, although it might if he started refusing meals. And because I tend to be the same way (those snacks I bring along are for me, too!), it’s probably also that I’m just used to and a part of the snack culture.
October 5, 2012 @ 3:09 pm
We don’t do any snacks at our sports teams, either. I’m all for snacking – just not for the insistence of a group snack… just because. Most kids are just fine with a water bottle.
October 11, 2012 @ 2:49 pm
Thank you for being an advocate to healthy eating habits. I appreciate you putting a word out there about eating and respect in the same sentence. In addition to no gum, food or drinks I should have also added – no stealing. But this is a topic for a next blog. I am looking forward to reading it.
April 17, 2013 @ 10:41 pm
Thank you for posting this! I am so frustrated by people who feel the urge to reward decent/good enough behavior with candy/food. The pediatrician’s office tried to give my daughter a sucker for being good. Really? At the doctor’s office?? We face it everywhere except school b/c we go to a very small school with very strict rules regarding food and snacks. Thank you for reminding me I am not the lone mama bear who doesn’t want her child leaving every gathering with suckers, cookies, junk-of-all-kinds, etc.