My sons don’t do a lot.
That is, they don’t do a lot of extra-curricular activities, at least not by today’s standards. Both boys play soccer (using the word “play” loosely here; James may end up being more instinctively athletic, but rest assured no one in this house is going to college on a sports scholarship), and they seem to enjoy it. Both take piano lessons, because I like it. Seriously, that’s why. I always wanted to have learned a musical instrument, and never did. So when a second-hand piano became available to us for next to nothing, I grabbed it, ditched my dining room table, and turned that spot into our music room (much grander than it sounds; it was too small for a dining room, anyway). They seem to like it, particularly Daniel, on his second year. Proud mommy moment alert: when my next door neighbor said she so enjoyed hearing the sounds of his playing through our open windows last summer.
And that’s it, activity-wise. Not including religious studies, which I mention only because our participation in the church’s family program takes up one precious afternoon. I’m sure there are mothers who look at a color-coded family calendar that’s packed with activities, with not one afternoon between Monday and Friday left fallow, and feel they’re doing the right thing. Or who feel that even if it’s not ideal — no one has time for a real dinner and everyone’s doing their homework either in the minivan or while waiting for their sister’s hip-hip lesson to end — it’s what they have to do.
I am not one of those mothers. I like my time, and I like their time.
This spring, we have piano — one lesson after the other, at our teacher’s home — on Wednesday. Monday is religion, and even that’s ending in a couple of weeks. Friday is soccer practice for both boys (score one for Mom having both teams’ weekly practice on the same day, albeit on different fields. Score another one for mom because the reason they’re on the same day is that my husband coaches James’ team, so he conveniently scheduled practice when it was best for me. Hey, I see no reason their activities shouldn’t also work for me.) Soccer games are on the weekends, and that’s fine with me — don’t tell my kids, but I enjoy going to the games sometimes more than they do.
Daniel: soccer player and competitive pizza-eater.
James, on the right, at a game last fall.
So yeah, I have this down to a system that works — we generally eat dinner at home, I don’t have to work out military-level carpools, and I’m not spending a fortune, either. Except of course for the times it doesn’t work. Like yesterday. All that happened is that Daniel’s coach moved the regular practice to that evening in advance of the bad weather called for this Friday (a winter storm’s a-coming. On April 1st.) We could do this: Piano is 3:45 to 4:45, and soccer is 5:30-7pm. My intentions were good, trying to get to both: Daniel gets more physical activity out of practice than out of the game itself, and it was actually a nice afternoon. Why not, I thought, grab the little guy off the bus at 3pm, pack up the piano books, homework, water bottles, soccer equipment and a change of clothes, then pick up Daniel at school, go to the piano instructor’s house for piano (and homework), go grab some pizza, then get to the soccer field, and let Daniel drill and scrimmage with his Pirates while James and I kick a ball around on the side.
It started okay; the pizza was a boy-pleasing idea (pizza — or any meal out — on a weekday? Are we on vacation? Can I say how much I love that this scenario is so out of the ordinary for my sons that I can still wield it as a treat? Score three for mom). But — and I should have anticipated this, given how devoted Daniel is to consuming large amounts of pizza — the meal was nowhere near digested by soccer time. Halfway into a scrimmage, he was clutching his stomach. Plus, the previously pleasant afternoon turned abruptly chilly. Rather than watch his brother or play around himself, James wanted to sit in the car for a while, and promptly shut the door on his fingers (major tears, no lasting injury, thanks). Homework got all confused somehow, and by the time we got home the whole pre-bed routine was at sixes and sevens.
In the lives of some modern mothers, many of whom I see weekly basis relating their drop-off and pick-up schedules that defy the space-time continuum (there’s no way to drop off your daughter at dance and be on a lacrosse field three towns away at the same time, even if you have the baddest-ass SUV on the planet) and lamenting how much fast food must be eaten to keep the schedule humming, my wacky Wednesday was nuthin’. Confusion with homework? A non-routine bedtime routine? Pshaw!
But I realized something yesterday: the slightly sick stomach and the bored/cold/injured younger brother weren’t really the problems (these things might have happened even if our usual routine hadn’t been interrupted, after all). The problem was that I didn’t feel comfortable and relaxed with the craziness of the day. I feel better with just one thing per day, and with some days with nothing on the calendar and time to oversee homework and get dinner started, then letting them play by themselves while I get some bits and pieces of work done. Yesterday, I was discombobulated and vaguely annoyed (misplaced my checkbook in there somewhere, too), and that rubbed off on everyone else.
It’s like I always say (apologies to the grammar police): If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”
You wouldn’t last a day in my life!
And I am not proud of that. But in four years, it all ends when the youngest goes to college. I can’t believe I’m saying that but it’s my reality.
I’m with you. I don’t like the juggling. And even with one child, I have to work hard to avoid it. Sometimes, though, I feel like an underachieving mom with an underachieving kid because we aren’t participating in the back to back sport activities and the insanity of rushing from here to there. On the few occasions when things overlap, I am, like you, pretty unsettled, so I do try to minimize the extras. I just wish I could figure out why choosing not to makes me feel guilty sometimes. My emotional landscape as a mom can be a bit of an enigma.
I hear you loud and clear, Kristen! Last year, I signed both boys up for a sports clinic-type class at the local Y. It was during the winter, between fall and spring soccer, and it worked well because (a) it wasn’t that expensive and we already belonged to the Y from summer camp; (b) it covered both their ages so they could be in the same group; and (c) it was a decent time that got us home before dinner hour. But that hasn’t worked out again, and they liked it. Daniel’s now too old for that group, so if I wanted them both to do something sporty there, he could do basektball, but that’s at 6pm, which is NOT good for me, and then I’d have to either come back another day or do two back to back hours if I wanted James to try something. Plus they raised the price. But I do feel — sometimes! — that they “should” be doing more, or trying a different sport.Then I realize that, as I wrote in my post, they’re not super athletes, and Daniel especially is not at all competitive, and at his age all the sports ARE competitive; no more “let’s just have fun!” What might be a smarter use of my money, therefore, would be a basketball hoop on our driveway. That would give them a chance to just play outside, it would draw other kids to our house, and they could work on skills if they felt like it or just fool around. We get swayed into thinking our kids “need” all this stuff (and potentially feel guilty),when in fact it’s not “need” at all, it’s just that there’s so much out there to choose from, y’know?
Denise
I just found your blog, and this is the first post that showed up in my reader. I love it. I feel exactly the same way about activities, and am the odd mom out among my circle of friends for not signing my two kids up for eleventy-seven activities – especially during school breaks. Thanks for the validation that I am not alone in the world!
Well, hello, Barbara, and welcome! I love comments from first-timers. Well, I love comments, period.
One thing that’s occurred to me, too: I often do look for activities for school breaks or think I should fill in an afternoon in the week to “get them active,” and to cut down on the kind of at-home time that drives all of us batty (i.e., the push back I get when I say their half-hour of Wii is over, or that I don’t want them watching that iCarly marathon). But I’m also pretty sure that driving myself nuts and driving the family into the poorhouse just to fill the time isn’t the answer. I”m always looking for ways to compel them to entertain themselves with what they have, to play outside in good weather and even not-so-good weather, and it’s slowly, slowly working. Hey, sometimes I just tell them: “Put on your coats and shoes and go in the backyard. I don’t care if you’re there for 20 minutes, but go.”
Denise
Amen, sister! I get frantic if I allow one than one activty per child per season. Way too much! And as Moms, we rarely gve ourselves permission to say “no, that’s enough” and end up miserable. Good for you for recognizing that we need to value our time and our comfort level!!
I so relate to the “underachieving” remark. I often nod my head while other moms tell me of their insane after-school schedules and then quickly change the subject! I have often felt guilty about not pushing my kids to do more. My kids do one activity. Period. (We, too, do religious studies on Sunday and lots of community service, but I’m not counting that because we set that schedule.) But on the flip side, my kids have time to do their schoolwork and all three of my boys are great students. We eat dinner together every night and often sit and watch a half-hour TV show, too. Bliss.
I totally agree with all of your reasons for avoiding overloading our kids, and would like to add two more: 1) I feel downtime, as in play-by-yourself-imagination-time, is as important as the piano lessons and sports, and 2) my husband and I actually have activities WE want to do as well. Like you, our dinner time at home is important. It’s when we reconnect.
Keep up the great blogging – I always look forward to your posts.
I’m like you. I don’t like to have more than one activity/day. When I have to remember what’s happening when and where for multiple things, I get crazy! And my kids are little…5 and 2.5 years old! LOL
One reason why I love reading your blog, Denise, is that it gives me such an insight into what day-to-day life for American mothers must look like.
So, if you like, I bring in my Central European (i.e. Viennese) perspective:
My three sons (7, 5 and 5) go to primary school and pre-school both of which focus on music. So each of them learns to play an instrument (cello, piano and flute). All three have 2 half-hour-lessons a week. My older son plays in the school orchestra and has a music/singing lesson every day.
Their school is situated in a beautiful park area, so they play outside for at least an hour or two or three every day. And there is a lot of soccer-playing, of course.
When I pick them up at 4 all this is done. The time between 4 and 7 is dedicated to family and maybe, once a week, to friends (I try not to take friends of theirs home with me more than once a week.).
All five of us are at home; we talk, play, occasionally quarrel, have dinner and enjoy each other’s company. No lessons. No homework. No nothing. (Pardon my grammar!)
Bee
P.S.: We don’t drive anywhere. We walk. Or sometimes cycle.
Bee,
Jealous! I didn’t realize you had twins. So now I’m imagining me in your shoes, with my older son and TWO of my little guys. Yikes! How wonderful that you have that music focus in your school. Our piano lessons are an average price for our area, and sometimes it feels like a strain every week, but it’s completely worth it! Thanks for your comments, good to hear a different/non-American perspective.
Denise
Hey Denise,
I’m pretty new to your blog and I love it! Thank you for your thoughtful comments on family life and childrearing. I have a 2 year old and a baby on the way and my husband and I have already begun talking about how to balance enrichment activities with school, free-play time, and family time when our kids are older. I have no desire to lead the crazy life that reduces so many (well-meaning) moms to the role of chauffeur/activity coordinator.
Good for you for keeping things as simple as possible and thanks again for sharing your experiences with other moms!
Thanks, Caro! Hey, that was me some years ago: a two year old and a baby on the way. Good for you for planning ahead. It’s like I always say:Start as you mean to go on.
best wishes,
Denise
Great blog! I’m a first-time reader, so glad Kristen Spina sent me over here this morning. I agree with you on this. It is difficult for me to achieve, since I run my own pediatric speech therapy practice in addition to parenting, so my life is not relaxed most of the time. This is a price I am willing to pay at the moment to do something I love that’s incredibly rewarding. However, I try to keep it sane for my boys. I arrange my schedule to be with my kids (ages 6 and 10) two afternoons a week. Those are the days they have activities after school (the elder has private flute one day and an occupational therapy session the other). The other 3 days a sitter picks them up, takes them to a park, and home to do HW, play together, and relax. Since my weekday availability is so limited and I don’t want them doing too much on school days, we added swim lessons on Saturdays. That’s it, and yet it still feels too busy much of the time. But I think that’s mainly for me, not them. I love the European comment above – if our kids were able to get more outdoor time and enrichment activities at school it would be wonderful.
Jordan,
thanks for your comment, and I’m glad Kristen sent you over, too! Pediatric speech therapy is a profession close to my heart, as my older guy had a lot of therapy before he finally came out with a “Mama” at age 3. It’s always a juggle and a struggle, isn’t it, to give our time and attention to work and to family. It can be tempting to “give” the kids more activities as a way to fill in extra time that we can’t spend with them, too. I tell you, one thing I love about my kids’ summer day camp (the Y) is that they get a bunch of activities, all outside, plus swim lessons, in one bundle — so summer’s taken care of!
Denise
I love this!
I actually just highlighted our family’s “one activity at a time” principle on the application for the local GATE school for my daughter. I really think that learning to use and enjoy spare time is an important skill for children to learn. Not to mention the fact that I am a mother who just doesn’t relish the idea of driving around 5 days a week while trying to remember every little detail and doodad of each activity for two children!
Hopefully the admissions people at the GATE school will feel the same way. LOL!
Good. I really mean it.
I have four children, and am absolutely against defining each moment of their lives with organized activities. It’s very common here too, instruments, football, tennis, art classes, horse riding, gymnastics, ballet the list goes on and on.
I know several friends of my children who lead very organized lives. As soon as they have nothing to do they’re bored and disinterested. They cannot appreciate the many small enjoyable moments life often has to offer. It makes me very sad because they’re nice kids, but they loose out, because they never had the chance to learn how to amuse themselves.
My eldest two are now teenagers and I really notice it with a lot of their friends. They won’t go shopping unless they have lots of money to spend, expect to be delivered everywhere and find no fun in walking around a pretty town and stopping somewhere for a hot chocolate.
Recently my daughter (almost 16) asked to go to a festival for the weekend where there will be 100,000 people. After my resuscitation, I of course, said no. But in the end I discovered the idea was actually her friends, who, is in desperate need of excitement. My daughter has been told the best way is to start small, find her feet, learn the ropes and build up.
My children have all been to various lessons, (the eldest sings and takes drama class), but what I consider to be one of my biggest success’s as a mum is that they know how to amuse themselves. They’ll happily read, wander around town, chat, draw, tell each other stories and still play.
I really think it’s because they have learned how to be happy by themselves. They’ve had the luxury of time to get to know what their likes and dislikes are.
I salute you because I think you really are doing exactly the right thing and your children will really benefit from it.
I just came across your blog from the link at the Happiest Mom, and I couldn’t agree more with your parenting philosophy. I also only allow my kids one activity each, but occasionally they overlap, or there are other things that conflict.
Your story of the frenzy of piano and soccer reminds me of a night last Spring when my DD had Soccer and there was also a BarBQ at her school to welcome the new kindergarten students (she was 4 at the time). Time-wise we could have made it to both, and we saw some of her team-mates at the school event in their Soccer uniforms. We made the decision that the school event was more important and skipped Soccer that night. I’m so glad we did. We also made the decision to forgo Soccer altogether this year because it really did not work with our evening routine. Soccer for four and five year-olds runs twice a week from 6:30-7:30 PM. My DD goes to bed between 7:30 and 8, but bedtime was consistently ending up pushed back because of the Soccer, and by the end of the season, she was so tired a few times she just stood there rubbing her ear (her sign of tiredness). It was a learning experience for us, but we won’t be signing her or her sister up for Soccer this year.
Thanks for your blog I have subscribed and look forward to reading more!
Thanks for subscribing and for your comment, Steph! I think it’s crazy that soccer for kids that young is so late in the day! Even if you get home right at bedtime,what about winding-down time? Things really have gone off the rails in some cases. I was just trying to explain to my 8 year old about how all our activities were right after school, and that was it; everyone was home by dinner hour (except when you got to high school activities and sports). And trying to explain how stores weren’t open on Sundays? That just didn’t compute!
keep reading,
Denise
glad to know I am not alone in this world, my daughter who is already at her teens often called me an outdoor freak, yeah why not, I maybe strict as they think I am, but knowing them my eldest is 18 and no boyfriend still, my youngest is 7 oh he just stay a home and watch tom and jerry, they don’t ask for permission to go out they already knew the answer..Great post Denise
Kudos to you from a piano teacher! Found your blog looking for something else, and glad I did! The number one complaint teachers like myself have is overscheduled students. And you’re right, if mom is stressed out, the kids will be discombobulated, too.