Did everyone see this clip, of the parents of U.S. Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman?
They are not just feeling what most parent would feel while watching their child compete, at any level: the sense that you hope like hell that she won’t fall/that he’ll save the goal/that she makes the point. No, Mr. and Mrs. Raisman were living their little girl’s every move. Doing the moves for her in their heads, even with their bodies. It was excruciating to watch.
I don’t ever want to be that parent.
We have a little bit of Olympic fever in our house. Well, mostly, my younger son, 7-year-old James, has Olympic fever. He’s pretty equal-opportunity in his love of watching sports, so far, though give him a soccer game and let him know “who we’re rooting for,” and he’s all set. But he also will watch just about any event for at least some length of time. For example, just last night we put on one of the non-prime-time channels that’s broadcasting the more obscure (read: not swimming or gymnastics) events. And James, for the 15 minutes it took, got totally into a women’s judo match between an American and an Italian. (“Do it! Go! … She’s down! Mom, she wins the bronze!“)
He’d never seen judo before. In fact, he’d heard of judo before.
Yeah, yeah, it’s all super cute.
But then I got to thinking — though my son is enamored with sports, and is competitive, and plays his own favorite sport, soccer, each spring and fall — he’s still not what anyone would call obsessed.
And as his parents (me, you’ve met; and my husband, who is also our boy’s soccer coach), neither are we.
As much as I jumped up and down like a lunatic on the soccer sidelines the first time my son’s (to start with) ne’er do well team, the Tigersharks, scored a goal, there’s still a part of me that would be very happy to keep it right there — at this level. On the sidelines, cheering a hard-working team that is clearly mostly having a great time and looking forward to the end-of-season picnic. This coming year, kids my son’s age are eligible to try out for a travel team. James is pretty good — at least, others who know more about soccer than I do tell me he shows promise — but he didn’t even ask about the travel team tryouts. He’s happy to stay a Tigershark.
And I’m beyond happy. I don’t want two or three practices and games a week, off-season training, or to have to buy a team backpack. I just want to throw the ball and the water bottle and the beach chair in the back of the car. And I really hope that’s why my son wants too.
I have a nephew, now 20, who was sports mad as a little kid. At age three, he was reciting the names and jersey numbers of all the players on his favorite teams. Over and over. Toss a ball his way — any ball — and he could play. Soccer was his game, too. He did the travel teams. He had the dad marching up and down the sidelines shouting and directing. He played up until his freshman year of high school, and then he just … quit. He had stomach aches and anxiety attacks before every game and was smart enough to realize that he just wasn’t having fun anymore.
This is not a new story, of course. None of us sets out, as parents who want to sign our kids up for soccer or Little League or gymnastics or ice skating or lacrosse, to become that parent of that kid. Probably Aly Raisman’s parents signed her up for gymnastics to burn off some of her excess toddler energy, or because her friends were doing it, or because of any number of reasons that didn’t have to do with Olympic dreams.
At what point does it switch over? Who flips the switch — the parents or the kids? Or the coach? I’m not sure. I’ve talked to lots of soccer parents, particularly those who are doing the travel teams thing. They seem to fall into two camps: those who are following their kids’ lead — seeing that spark in their child and letting him run with it; and those who may be doing that, but who are also making calculations in their heads about high school stardom and college scholarships. There are those who keep one semi-critical eye on things like how the child is continuing to enjoy the sport, or not; or on how the coaches are behaving; on the time and financial commitment. And there are those who abandon all, or most, consideration of those things and just keep going.
At what point do you go from sitting in your beach chair to squirming in obvious gut-twisting distress in an Olympic stadium? At what point is it less about the kid, or the sport?
I ask because I’m not sure. Can we talk about it? What do you think?
I don’t know. When I first saw this, I thought it was, as you said, excruciating. But upon further reflection, Aly Raisman is an Olympic athlete. She’s obviously spent hours and hours in the gym, so I’m sure her mother knows her routine almost as well as her daughter. I haven’t seen anything to suggest that her parents have been anything other than supportive. Not like some crazy Little League coaches I’ve seen who BERATE kids for making mistakes.
As a kid I did a lot of different activities (not all at the same time) and found something that I was good at. It was great for self esteem and confidence. I plan on doing the same thing with my kids. If my daughter’s enjoyment of ice skating turns into a real skill, great. But she’s 5, so it’s fine to if she changes her mind.
The first thought I had is you know the old video game thing where when you’re pushing ‘jump’, you’re also lifting the controller, because your mind and your body just automatically do it? The controller has to jump even though you’d do just fine being stationary.. but it’s not how our minds work. They move with what it knows is needing to happen.
So, yeah, I’m sure she’s watched her daughter and knows the routine very very very well and they just can’t help it.
Want to hear a secret? When my daughter was having difficulty latching on me, on a bottle, whatever, I noticed that my mouth was inadvertently doing the motion. Like I could somehow help. Like I had a say in how it happened.
Was I obsessed? Maybe. I wanted my baby to eat. but it wasn’t on purpose.
I see myself making similar type movements all the time with her. but it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just how the mind and body connect together. Maybe for some of us – maybe it’s those of us who are hand and motion talkers – we are prone to movement. We feel things in action that don’t require action from us.
The only time I would worry about an Olympic or Sport parent is if they started berating their child for an error. If they couldn’t see past the fault and see the child, the human being who needs real, personal connection from people who love them. That is when I would fuss about the parents.
Emily, when I taught my kids to drive I found I was stepping on imaginary gas and brake pedals! Ha ha ha!
Emily, that’s hilarious and true. I have been called out by my family for grinning like an idiot as I’m taking a photo and saying “smile!”, as though I can prompt their smile with my own. It is natural.
Denise
I’m with you, my husband and I both were kind of like, WHOA, that’s intense when we saw that. It also sent us into a conversation about kids sports. Our child is at the age where (in my opinion) CRAZY TOWN sports tournaments/practices/equipment investments are really kicking in. She dances, she plays piano and she wants to do every sport as well and it’s nice that she’s into it, but it would be way too much if we let her do it all. I’ve seen the consequences on those weeks where 2 or three activities overlap. We skip fall sports b/c back to school can be traumatizing. I have no idea what I’d do if she was really, really good at something. I feel like I would probably get caught up in it and then have to pull back, because that’s what I’m really good at!
Funny, we had this conversation, too, while watching the Olympics last night. My first thought was, “imagine if you paid hundreds of dollars for your tickets and then you had to sit behind them??” Yikes! We can’t relate as we’re the polar opposite of those parents. I don’t know which comes first–the obsessed parents or the obsessed kids. My husband seems to think that the kids HAS TO HAVE some kind of fire in their bellies and talent under the hood. Parents can’t push that. It has to be there. Me? I’m not so sure.
I didn’t get to see the video clip since the IOC pulled copyright rank before I could view exactly what everyone else is watching. From the conversation above, I get the gist of what the parents might have been doing and I guess I have a hard time thinking they are doing anything worth being upset about. Is it awkward to watch a parent got through the motions of a routine, well yes. But having been at lots of weddings in my lifetime, I can tell you it’s equally awkward to watch some of those parents dance with the bride/groom. There’s a reason Aly was competing and not her parents, but they’re so happy for her and so badly want things to go well for her . . . they express it in mimicking the motions; other parents might watch through their fingers in anticipation. Because no matter how hard you train, sometimes you fall, and as a parent not knowing when that will happen must be excruciating. It’s got to be like watching your kids play on your bed as toddlers and sucking your breath in every time they get close to the edge.
I worry more about the parents who show obvious disdain for everything. The venue isn’t good enough, the performance isn’t good enough, So-and-so was treated differently than my little Johnny. Those are the obsessed parents I worry about. The ones who seem angry all the time are the ones who are probably pushing their own agendas.
I believe the children should take the lead, but sometimes parents have to try and even out the natural reaction kids have to adversity: quitting. Ulcers and anxiety are unhealthy; bad grades are unacceptable. But a fight with a teammate, one bad meet/game (or a couple), a disagreement with the coach . . . all reasons I’ve seen and heard of for quitting and if the kid is amazing it’s our jobs as parents to help them see a bigger picture. Does that tip some over to the angry obsessed parent? Probably. Self-awareness is sadly not on the shelves at Walmart or Kroger. But sacrifice and a little pushing are what sets Olympians apart. I don’t think it’s fair to put them in an obsessed category because they’re awkward in how they express their overwhelming desire for their baby to do well and consequently be happy. P&G ran a commercial last night dedicated to moms and the theme of the ad was that to a mom, all Olympians are still babies (they showed a bunch of toddlers and preschoolers that just made me melt). I guess I’m willing to give Aly’s parents (and most of them) the benefit of the doubt. THOSE parents are probably more prevalent on the smaller, more local stage.
Very well said, Nicole, and point taken. I was using the clip — which was viral yesterday and the day before — as a jumping off point to start a discussion about sports and sports parents. But you’re so right — the problem of parents needling in and pushing for better coaches or better treatment or getting far, far too involved in sports (beyond sitting on the sidelines, carpooling, cheering, and making sure the kid meets his/her obligations by showing up)is far worse than that.
Denise
Yup. Agreed. The trick is getting the parents who are being obnoxious to realize it’s not doing anything good for their children. Of course, there are two problems with that: 1) Denial – they will always insist they’re doing what’s best for their kids, and 2) Denial – you’ll never convince someone externally that they’re pushing their own agenda. Meh. If only Gatorade would create a drink where the side effect was the sudden realization that you can’t recreate or find your own dreams of grandeur through the accomplishments of your children in sports . . . I’m sure there’s a petroleum-based byproduct that will do that, right?
When I saw this I didn’t see crazy competitive parents. I felt how I would feel watching my daughter do something that could paralyze her with the slightest wrong movement. I felt like her mother was doing exactly what I would be: Letting her feeling show how distressed but also excited she was watching her daughter.
Nicole, you should put that on a bumper sticker “If only Gatorade would create a drink where the side effect was the sudden realization that you can’t recreate or find your own dreams of grandeur through the accomplishments of your children in sports . . . “. I would totally put it on my car. My 6 year old son has just started with the prep team in gymnastics. He has always been good and has always been put In the in invitation only classes. But he clued in that this next move was a big deal. He wanted to quit, not because he didn’t like gymnastics anymore, but be ause he thought it would be too hard. This scared me half to death. I’m fine if he doesn’t want to be an Olympic athlete but I think it’s part of my job as a
Mom to teach him how to face a challenge. I told him I was okay if he wanted to quit but that quitting is like a game of dominoes. After the first time you quit because something is hard then the next time is easier and then you just never do anything that is hard. He then said okay I don’t want to quit, let’s go back on Thursday. Now, a few months later he loves it and tells me it is not hard but fun. He gets to do new and more fun things every week. I’m not sure what the future holds. He is so young and into fun. But I’m glad he didn’t quit when things looked like a challenge.
Katie,
I LOVE how you responded to your son. And how great that at 6 he got it!
Denise
In spite all the baggage people bring to their kid’s sport experiences I still think kids’ sports can be so valuable. The idea of winning is so deep in our culture parents have to be extra-mindful of their behavior or they can easily turn a very positive activity into a pressure laden nightmare for their kids. Like any mom I love seeing my son and his teammates do well (he’s a swimmer). At age 13 my kid has had his ups and downs in the sport but is now coming into his own as a competitor. That is fine, but the big “payoff” has not been the gold medals, but coaches and parents of younger swimmers complementing my son on how has been a great role model, on his work ethic and how he is a great teammate who steps up in challenging situations. My boy has taken on the role he saw modeled by young men on the team when he was little. He values his time helping younger swimmers and loves it when the “little dudes” he had been working with improve their times, have a great rely etc. He had learned so much by being a mentor. Sports can put young people in situations that help them to be better people – not just better athletes. Parents need to focus a bit more on that.
Margaret, that is so well said. Can you possibly have a 13 year old?! Where does the time go? I have another nephew, on my husband’s side, who is a swimmer. And he plays basketball and just got hooked on football (he’s 11). He’s another natural athlete, but also just a terrific kid, gentle and kind with my young boys. I hope he stays that way — with his natural, competitive edge, but the kindness too. I totally agree that sports done right can be a boon to kids. More than a boon. The key is to keep the enjoyment high, the pure joy of the game.
Denise
So, interestingly, the New York Times did a “Room for Debate”
on the subject of kids, sports, parents and competition. I think this guy’s take is a good one, and matches how I feel:
http://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2012/08/02/are-olympic-parents-supportive-or-overbearing/olympic-parents-childrens-needs-should-come-first
It’s by Mark Hyman, the author of a book on the subject called “Until It Hurts: America’s Obsession With Youth Sports and How It Harms Our Kids.”
A relevant quote from his Times piece:
“Exuberant parents aren’t the problem in youth sports. Overzealous, overly ambitious parents are.”
Go read it if you can, as well as the other essays in the debate. Good stuff.
Denise
Jumping off what Nicole said -I wonder if the point when “it’s less about the kid or the sport” that you’re referring to is when parents give up on their own life dreams?
Hi Denise,
I would love to talk to you and your followers about it as I just made a movie called “Bad Parents” (starring Janeane Garofalo) inspired by my own experiences when my daughter played club soccer on this topic.
It’s a social satire and very funny and while it pokes fun of the behavior it is not meant to condemn nor judge – I’m That Parent – the movie is my 12 Step Program – and hope it can be part of this parenting dialogue.
We have festivals and screenings coming up in September/October (soccer season!), OCTOBER IS “BAD PARENTS MONTH” and love to invite you.
Caytha
I forgot to post our Facebook page link with pertinent info re: film and fun links http://www.facebook.com/badparentsmovie
Here is a link to our trailer – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T08r_4deuGQ&feature=my_liked_videos&list=LLnSzr4G3wwvatWbSAOxQRQQ