I’m No Betty Draper! My Mad Men Mom Musings
Some fellow Mad Men-obsessed writers and I were discussing the finale episode from last night. So, if you’ve not yet watched, and would hate me for revealing spoiler plot points, click away right now and come back after you view the episode (and if you don’t watch, please keep reading anyway; I have a point to make that doesn’t necessarily require being as devoted to the show and its world as I’ve been lately)…
…but while you’re waiting, here’s my rendition of myself as Betty after an afternoon horseback ride:
Mmmm, martini...
are you back? Good. Here goes.
Last night, Betty Draper asks her husband for a divorce. She has cause, no question (that Don Draper is as hot as they come, but he’s a philanderer, not to mention the fact that he’s not been honest about who he really is the whole time, and Betty recently stumbled on his big secret). So she’s got reason to pack her bags and wash that man out of her hair and all the rest, but it’s still SO SAD.
Because she’s a mom. Because her decision means taking her kids — one a three month old — away from their dad who, for all his faults and 60s-era dad distance, loves them pretty deeply and purely.
This being New York State in 1963, Betty can’t just say, “hey, I want out” and get a divorce. She needs to prove cause, and while she knows Don’s cheated quite a bit, she doesn’t have a smoking gun, or a lipstick-soiled collar, or a stack of incriminating photos. A lawyer points out that one option open to her is to establish residency in Reno, Nevada (a relatively simple matter of living there for six weeks), then serve Don with papers.
And off she goes, with the man she plans to marry after it’s all over, and with her baby, but not with her older two children, who we see later are being cared for by Carla, the maid. Nice.
So is Betty a bad mother–or the mother of her day, her class, her social world? Let’s count her sins:
- She smokes. And drinks. Right in front of/on top of her kids. Even while she was pregnant.
- She shoos her kids upstairs, outside, or off with the maid whenever she wants some alone time.
- She chides her daughter for putting a dry-cleaning bag on her head–not because the girl might suffocate, but because Sally better not have left the clean clothes on the floor!
- She took off for a weekend in Rome with Don at the very last minute, leaving all three kids behind with Carla.
- Once, angry with her daughter, she put her in a closet. OK, only for a minute, but still. In a closet.
All these things feel, to today’s moms, like awful sins. But are they? Yes, smoking while you’re pregnant is bad, we all know that now, but it wasn’t common knowledge in 1963. Just the other day, my parents were talking about all the allergy issues my sister had as a child, and all the things our doctor suggested they do, such as removing carpet and washing bedding more often. But did he tell them — and this was later than 1963 — to quit smoking in the house? Nope.
But some of the other things Betty does that appear shocking to our eyes — sending the kids out of the room while she smokes and drinks wine at the table; letting them lie around and watch coverage of the Kennedy assassination; sending them out to the park with the maid and she’s not even working; taking that spur of the moment romantic trip; keeping up with riding lessons and she’s not even working!–strike me the same way: as things a woman did to remain a woman, rather than become a second-class addition to a family that prized the children above all.
I mean, there are caveats, of course. First of all, you’d have to be, like Betty, a woman of means. (Riding lessons, a maid, tickets to Rome, fabulous clothes and jewelry). Second, you have to draw the line at weird, damaging punishments.
But is it so bad that Don and Betty teach their daughter how to make a gin rickey or whatever, and serve it to them? (I confess that when I saw that I tried to calculate how long I could wait, or much trouble I’d get into, if I tried to train Daniel to get Mama a gin and tonic while I’m making dinner on a warm summer night.)
There are many ways in which I would never, ever want to be Betty or her contemporaries, suspecting my education was wasted, feeling trapped by circumstance, devoting my life to a family I felt only tepid toward at times. But I wouldn’t mind borrowing a page or two or three from her book.
So: Mad, mad, mad, mad world that’s better left back in 1963 (and on TV)? Or are there glimmers of “gosh, I wish…” for us (mean) parents? What do you think?
November 9, 2009 @ 4:32 pm
Betty is an interesting character for sure. I don’t understand a lot of the criticism heaped her way, simply because what she is doing is not all that unusual for that time.
It was more unusual for mothers to be on the floor playing with kids than not. Mothers with maids didn’t take the kids to the park, the maid did. Mothers with maids didn’t comfort kids, that was the maid’s job.
I think January Jones is doing a great job of depicting Betty. What am I saying! They’re all great actors. She’s one of the gang.
November 9, 2009 @ 4:52 pm
I don’t think she’s a bad mother for any of the reasons you listed. I think she’s a bad mother because she doesn’t have a nurturing bone in her body. I’ve seen her make one or two halfhearted attempts at being kind to her children (buying Sally a Barbie after Gene was born), but otherwise she’s just a very cold and narcissistic woman.
November 9, 2009 @ 8:27 pm
I kind of agree with Terri. It’s her coldness that gets me. That’s exactly my generation, my parents. In 1963, my mom was Betty Draper. But she was nice to us (mostly) and she smiled once in a while and she may have shooed us out of the room, or sent us to the park with the maid, but she let us lick the spoon when she made brownies and tucked us in every night. There’s no other side to Betty. She’s just cold.
November 9, 2009 @ 8:34 pm
Hmmm, yes, she is cold. I wasn’t thinking of that aspect of Betty’s mothering when I wrote that. I remember now an episode where she was really mad at something her little boy had done, I forget what, and was frustrated with Don for not being on her side about it. He was much more tender and understanding and I recall thinking that she has a much more rigid view of parenting than he does. I always got the impression from Don, having not had parental love, that he just wants to give it, even given the constraints imposed by times that didn’t always allow for “involved” fathers.
….aaaaand, we’re talking about fictional people. But it’s fun!
Denise
November 9, 2009 @ 9:27 pm
It is fun. I could do it all day. 😉
November 9, 2009 @ 11:17 pm
Would it be bad for me to admit that I’m sometimes (ok, fairly often) jealous of Betty for getting to do many of the things you mention? Not the putting my kid in a closet part, no, but the luxury of Carla and the makeup and the clothes and the, um, ignoring her kids when she wants/needs to? What I wouldn’t give for a quick trip to Rome. Or even the chance to read a book in peace.
November 9, 2009 @ 11:20 pm
For more on Betty and the other characters from a marital POV, check out my blog (please):
http://livinginsplitsville.com/wordpress/2009/11/09/mad-mens-marital-problems/
November 10, 2009 @ 12:53 pm
I don’t watch the show, but my mom and I have had conversations about how mothers today are judged by different standards–she even jokes that I would be taken away from her if a mother today treated her child the way she treated me! Funny thing is, I adore my mother and think she did a great job raising me.
November 10, 2009 @ 4:06 pm
D,
I don’t watch Mad Men (just got hooked on True Blood) but one thing you wrote struck me-the part about kids making cocktails for their parents. I know you were being funny, but actually, that’s one way many kids get exposed to drinking waaaay to early-fetching dad a beer, making mom a cocktail. I’ve heard first-hand from teenage alcoholics that they were making drinks for their parents from very early on and alcohol was a constant in their lives. So, no, Daniel will NOT be making you a gin & tonic any time soon!!!! But I will, if you’d like
Em
November 10, 2009 @ 5:40 pm
I’ve often thought of Betty as one cold biatch — but I do think mothers back then were aching, sad, lonely, frustrated, etc. (That’s when Betty Friedan wrote “The Feminine Mystique,” and then founded NOW). And parenting was so different — it really was the era of children being seen and not heard, vs. today, in which many households I know revolve around the childrens’ desires and demands. I feel for Betty. And Denise, this show depicts the social and cultural mores of the day: smoking, drinking, punishing/ignoring children…so how can we judge?
November 10, 2009 @ 5:50 pm
I’ve never seen the show (although I am on the waiting list for the DVDs at the library), but my mom, who didn’t even have a maid (OK, we did when we moved to Spain, but that was just once a week and she came while I was at school so big deal), sent us out to play alone. We even crossed the street and lived to tell the tale. Full disclosure: we did live on military bases most of the time. I don’t remember that my mom played with us that much. I do remember that I did things with her, though. I cooked with her and she taught me to sew, to knit and to crochet. I spent time with her, but on her terms, which was fine with me.
My parents went out a lot. Left us with babysitters. They even went away for entire weekends. Heck, if you were living in Spain and could go to Paris or Germany sans kids, wouldn’t you? I am a little surprised at how reluctant my friends (some) with children are to go out without the kids. How can you socialize with other adults if there are kids around?
Alcohol was a part of our lives. My parents drank (beer or wine with supper, definitely at parties) and if we wanted a taste, that was fine. (A taste, mind you.) All that did for me was make booze not a big deal. When I got to college, other kids were going crazy over beer and I thought, It’s just beer what’s the big deal? I didn’t get drunk for the first time until I was 24, I think. Once more after that when I was 26 and that was enough for me. I rarely drink now (I am 46) because I don’t think it tastes that good and I would rather consume my recreational calories in the form of fat.
November 11, 2009 @ 11:41 am
I don’t watch Mad Men (if I add one more thing to the DVR it will explode I think), but I had to laugh at teaching the kid to make the gin rickey. I was born in ’68 and every night when I was a kid (somewhere in the 70s), I would make a rum and Coke for my dad! I still remember how far up the side of the special glass to fill the rum. My parents were very European about alcohol – always encouraging me to drink. I even used to take sips of the rum and Coke. Shocking today perhaps. Even more shocking is as an adult I don’t drink alcohol at all. Hubby and I both had grandfathers with alcohol problems and we were never interested in drinking.
November 11, 2009 @ 3:52 pm
My husband and I are almost done with season one of mad men ( I already read about Betty flying off for her divorce by mistake in the NY Post this week!) and I am intrigued by the lives of these women in the early 1960. However, Betty Draper is alive and well in many wealthy communities today. The only differences are that they no longer smoke in front of their kids. There are many wealthy women who lead deeply unsatisfying and lonely lives today. They have babysitters to take care of their kids, maids to clean their homes, trips they take with out their new born babies and all the beautiful clothes and jewelry they could possibly want. They also have husbands who are rarely home because they are either working or cheating on them. It’s hard to believe that their are still women who put up with this. One thing you have to say about Betty at least she had the guts to leave. Not many women would have been able to do that in 1963!
November 13, 2009 @ 1:27 pm
My husband and I threw a dinner party (many years ago) and we were talking to our friends over drinks. My friend mentioned pictures of her very pregnant mother at the beach holding a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Of course all kinds of jokes ensued about how that explained alot about my friend.
There is so much here I want to comment on, please indulge me. Today we know better as far as drinking and smoking during pregnancy, so hopeful many do better. However, I see so many parents CONSTANTLY doting or hovering around their kids. It drives me batty. I don’t know if this is done out of some sort of guilt about not being home with the kids, feeling perhaps that every spare moment you have must be dedicated to the children.
My mom stayed home, but she was not my playmate. My sister is seven years my elder. She did sometimes play with me, but not too often. I played outside with the neighborhood kids. I’d got shooed out the door so my mom could clean the house without me making a mess.
Today I homeschool my kids. They are ALWAYS around me, but I’m not their playmate either. Sure, they help me bake and clean. They run errands with me and we usually play games after dinner as a family. However, after school they are on their own. They either have to be out in the yard regardless of the weather or they have to figure a way to entertain themselves. I have blog posts to respond to and an array of other things to do. I don’t have an iota of guilt about it either, in fact I cherish my time…now if I could only afford a maid.
(p.s. for anyone gasping at my statement “regardless of the weather” While I do encourage them to play our in the rain and snow, I do make sure they are bundled up. I’m not completely heartless:)
November 20, 2009 @ 2:56 pm
Moderator if you print this, please use only my first name and not my whole name , thanks
I think mothers doing what all the other mothers did in the fifties and sixties, shooing away the kids, being non-nurturing while providing materially for them, is what spawned the love-hungry anti-materialistic hippie generation. Then the hippies kids grew up in love but not with things, they spawned the yuppies. Hopefully now, we are smarter than them both (haha the current youth and young adults always think they are better than their parents) and understand the importance of balance in our lifestyles.
November 20, 2009 @ 3:34 pm
I think mothers doing what all the other mothers did in the fifties and sixties, shooing away the kids, being non-nurturing while providing materially for them, is what spawned the love-hungry anti-materialistic hippie generation. Then the hippies kids grew up in love but not with things, they spawned the yuppies. Hopefully now, we are smarter than them both (haha the current youth and young adults always think they are better than their parents) and understand the importance of balance in our lifestyles.
November 20, 2009 @ 3:40 pm
June, I have to say I love your perspective — that each generation’s parenting style (in a broad sense, of course) begets the next. I hope (maybe against hope?!) that what I’m choosing to do cherry-picks the best from various decades. Thanks for weighing in!
Denise
November 30, 2009 @ 6:25 pm
For all of Don’s warmth – which he is capable of showing to his kids, but not to his wife – he is hardly there for them. He barely paid Sally any notice following Gene Hofstadt’s death. When he and Betty had returned from Rome and was confronted by Carla about Sally’s actions, Don made certain that he slip out of the room, leaving Betty to deal with the situation. And for all of the warmth he has shown his kids, even SALLY managed to comment that he is hardly around for them.
Frankly, I would rather have Betty as a parent. She may be sterner than Don, but at least she is around.
I also noticed that you had criticized Betty for not taking Sally and Bobby with her to Reno. Why on earth should she do that? They’re school kids. They have to finish school before the Xmas holidays. And where in the hell was Don, while Betty was in Reno? Why aren’t you bitching about his absence from kids, while their mother is out of town getting a divorce?
However, I see so many parents CONSTANTLY doting or hovering around their kids. It drives me batty. I don’t know if this is done out of some sort of guilt about not being home with the kids, feeling perhaps that every spare moment you have must be dedicated to the children.
I once saw a father at an amusement park practically fawning over his son, despite the latter acting like a brat. It was sickening.
November 30, 2009 @ 6:27 pm
She smokes. And drinks. Right in front of/on top of her kids. Even while she was pregnant.
Francine did the same when she was pregnant in S1. Why were fans complaining about Betty’s smoking in S3? Did they simply want an excuse to complain about her?