Beware the White Van! How Do You Balance Safety with Fear?
Fear (of the van, of strangers…) replaces good commonsense.
Kids! Beware the white panel van!
I kid, sort of, but we got one of those robo calls from the school district superintendent last night informing us about two girls being approached or called out to, while they were walking home from school, by someone in a white van. (I’m sure a letter is coming, too, probably two copies of it in my boys’ separate homework folders, plus maybe another copy in the mail for good measure.)
We get a lot of these, all written or spoken with great gravity and engineered, in my opinion, to stoke the maximum of fear and helplessness. It’s just that this time, we were unlucky (or maybe lucky, now that I consider it) in that the call came in at dinnertime, and Daniel, my 10-year-old, grabbed the phone (he has not gotten the “don’t answer the phone while we’re eating, especially if it’s the downstairs handset, whose display is broken so we can’t read the Caller ID” memo). He put the call on speakerphone in the center of the table.
So we find out – unhelpfully, I think – that these two students were “approached” by a man (or two men? Who can tell! The white van never has windows!) in a van. The girls ignored him, kept walking, and went home. They told their parents, and called the police.
Smart girls. Something which was not mentioned in the call. Of course.
At our table, a discussion ensued. My husband: “Why is it always a white van?” (Good question, but it always is!) Me: “Boys, look at me and listen. If a car or a van with someone you do not know stops near you and says anything to you, don’t respond. Just keep walking. If you feel uncomfortable or they don’t drive away, go up to someone’s house.” Daniel: “You mean, someone’s house who you know?” Me: “Not necessarily! If you’re on a street full of houses, I guarantee all of them will have people in them who will want to help you, or call me.”
Uncomfortably, my 8-year-old wanted to know what someone in a white van might want with him or those girls or anyone else. (What would you have said? I said they might want to take you away from us, but crossed my fingers under the table hoping he wouldn’t ask for what? Or forever?)
I knew, from the information provided in the call, what many of the families around me listening were taking away from this: My child would never be walking home from school, so we’re safe. Or, this happened in one of those neighborhoods, so no worries for us. Both are unfortunate takeaways, for different reasons – the first because there’s no such thing as perfectly safe, and never letting kids walk anywhere carries all kinds of other negative impacts. The second because, well, just because.
My safety-from-strangers information nearly always differs from that which the kids learn in school or, now, glean from robo calls or letters home, which come laden with fear-laced subtext that says, nothing and no one is safe.
I tell them that if they get separated from me at the mall, or find themselves in a situation that makes them feel uncomfortable or threatened, that they should to go into a store and ask a clerk, or go up to a person on the street or in front of a house, and ask for help. I tell them that 99.999% of folks are nice and will help, not hurt (but that the store clerk, in particular, is a good choice because he or she has a phone or a walkie-talkie).
Fear does this: It does not allow our kids to identify, and hone, their own oogie-meter. Their own instinct that the white van should not be slowing down near them, and so they should keep their eyes facing forward and keep walking, fast, toward a safe spot.
Do you get calls and letters like this? What do you do?
December 7, 2012 @ 9:40 am
We don’t get phone calls like this, but we do hear stuff like this on the news sometimes. (Our kids don’t watch the news so they never do). My safety rule for my kids that I have told them is to NEVER EVER go anywhere with someone you don’t know. If they are lost, they should go to someone who works where they are, like you said. When we are at a zoo or amusement park, when we arrive I refresh that rule by pointing out the employee uniforms.
The irony of all this fear-mongering that never fails to escape me, is that while parents think that they are keeping their kids safe by not exposing them to so-called “dangerous” situations by not letting them go anywhere alone, etc. Their kids are actually far more likely to be abducted or abused by someone they KNOW, NOT the mythical stranger.
April 14, 2013 @ 4:37 pm
we just saw a white van and me and my mom just saw an older man and a little girl i am sceared that there is going to be a kidnapping tommorw
December 7, 2012 @ 9:30 pm
I could not agree more. Wish I could print this up banner sized and hang it at my kids’ school!
December 8, 2012 @ 8:13 pm
You say; “If a car or a van with someone you do not know stops near you and says ANYTHING to you, don’t respond. Just keep walking.”
Why would you want to have your child act rude and disrespectful to a stranger? Why should they “keep their eyes facing forward”? Is the stranger going to be swinging a pocket watch in front of their eyes that will instantly hypnotize them? Looking at an assailant will help them get a description anyway. Looking at a guy that wants to know which way the next town is and pointing him in the right direction is functional and socially correct. If you teach your kids to have this kind of common decency, perhaps they will not grow up creeping people out with their social ineptitude.
Why not teach your kids NOT to be rude or disrespectful to anyone that says anything to them? Teach them not to assume that people are creepy just because they stopped to talk to them. Teach them to be socially adept and to think for themselves.
December 8, 2012 @ 9:46 pm
Wanda, you make a very excellent point and I’m really glad you chimed in. I should have clarified — what I meant was, and what I tell my boys, is that if THEY FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE with an approach (because what I’m trying to convey is that kids need to learn how to read their gut feelings, rather than make assumptions) that they should “keep walking.” I wrote the post too fast. Absolutely — as say later in the post — I do firmly believe that most people my children will encounter in life are decent humans like themselves, deserving of respect rather than suspicion. What you say in your comment — that I should teach them to be socially adept and to think for themselves — is precisely my aim, and my point.
Denise
December 18, 2012 @ 10:11 am
I love that you bring this up. As a teacher I saw these letters go home too often. I do think that kids worry about being disrespectful. We tell them often to speak kindly to adults and I think it can be confusing to them to know when and where to ignore adults. I tell my daughter and I use to tell my students that if an adult approaches them and they are uncomfortable, walk away. If it is a “bad guy” or a “scooper,” who cares if they offend them? If it is a kind adult and the child walks away, any sane adult would completely understand and probably even be proud of them for following their instincts.