The Problem (I Have) With Mother’s Day
A popular Facebook meme. Funny, yes. Grain of truth? Sure. So why do these things bug me?
This Mother’s Day, we are having both sides of our family over to our house for brunch. We’ve done it a few times before, and it works pretty well as a way for both my husband and me to see our mothers, as well as our sisters (who are also mothers) and their families. Everyone brings stuff, we all eat and talk, and that’s that. But here’s what I’ve heard: why do that!? Then you have to clean before and clean up after, and then it’s not mother’s day for you. Well, yeah. But so what?
I get a little weary when I read — more and more in recent years — stories and essays and blog posts about how hard it is to be a mother. And yes, it is hard and it is often thankless. Well, yeah. But so what?
Is it only me who finds cringe-worthy all the blog posts and commercials and sitcom plots about how mom holds it all together while everyone else (from the dad on down to the babies and the pets) are hopeless, helpless, selfish and clueless?
Is it only me who finds cringe-worthy all the blog posts (and entire blogs, and books, often marketed as “gift books” for moms) about how mom needs her break and mom needs her Chardonnay and mom needs to get with her girlfriends and trash their useless, selfish husbands and messy, selfish children and bemoan their sticky floors and their lack of appreciation?
You’ll read a lot of legitimately funny stories around this time of year about moms not being able to use the bathroom or shower without being busted in on by their kids. You’ll see Facebook posts and memes about moms drinking wine while fantasizing about their husbands morphing into Bradley Cooper or whoever is this year’s Sexiest Man Alive. And you’ll laugh, because there’s always a grain of truth in the humor.
But I’d like to try to re-frame the “hard” thing a little bit. Being a parent is hard, at different times of a child’s life and for different reasons. Trying to get my son to nurse for the first week of his life was hard (and then it got so, so blissfully easy!). Now, 10 years later, navigating the special-education system in our school district, walking the line between wanting my son to feel “right” and happy at school and reach his potential and not wanting him to change one bit because I love him just as he is feels almost unbearably hard. I wish I could just nurse him and make it all better!
That stuff is hard. It’s not hard to take a shower or use the bathroom alone, if that’s what you want to do.
You know what all these Mother’s Day themes and memes about the selflessly tough life of the modern mother make me think? That it’s all a big dog and pony show that distracts us from what’s really hard about parenthood: supporting a family. Figuring out work-life balance. Making marriages strong and healthy.
Life is harder than motherhood, and motherhood gives you quite a bit of joy in there with the grass stains on the new clothes and the crumbs on the floor and the all-night vomit sessions.
I’m fine — more than fine! — having the family over here, and doing whatever work needs to be done before and after they descend on my kitchen to make the floor sticky (again). I’m not a princess; I’m a mother.
Now, pass the Chardonnay.
(And thank you to folks on the Mean Moms Rule Facebook page who gave me a lot of food for thought on this issue, as well as some good nuggets such as this: We need to stop the exhaustion-as-status-symbol thing.)
May 9, 2013 @ 2:05 pm
“distracts us from what’s really hard about parenthood: supporting a family. Figuring out work-life balance. Making marriages strong and healthy.”
Yes, exactly. Mothering my kids, if I had all of that other stuff figured out, would be a piece of cake. But trying to care for and nurture my kids, while making enough coin to feed, clothe and shelter them, while dealing with the results of a divorce? Not easy at all.
May 10, 2013 @ 12:52 am
I’m so with you! I often read things online and think “I’ll be lynched if I share my thoughts on this!”, because I would be completely counter to the prevailing opinion. I firmly believe my children are a blessing, that my husband is a good man and we have a good marriage, and that whatever hardships we face are mere seasons in life that we will pass through to find better days. But share that feeling of optimism, joy and love online and you’ll be targeted as a “holier-than-thou Martha Stewart Stepford Wife” and be raked over the coals!!
I’m not any of those things. I’m just living my life based in reality: this is life. It is good, bad, challenging, easy, and every shade of grey. But it is the life I chose, and I’m not going to spend one single second of my life – the life I chose – trying to escape from it, either mentally or physically! You’ll just make yourself miserable if you constantly whine about things; eventually, you’ll start to believe your own tales of woe and end up throwing away a perfectly good life through careless thoughts and words.
But what do I know? I’m just a happily married woman of two adorable little boys!
All I want for Mother’s Day is a little recognition: a hug, a kiss, a “you’re a great mom and I love you!” And then we can all resume our usual programming. 
Thanks for keeping it real!
May 10, 2013 @ 8:50 am
Denise,
There you go again. Diving way past the superficial stuff and getting to the heart of things.
I’ll take a malbec, please.
May 10, 2013 @ 8:51 am
And I’ll join you in that Malbec, Jill. We’ll solve the world’s problems, one bottle at a time. 😉
Denise
May 10, 2013 @ 9:43 am
Ah yes Denise wonderful post although I really hate cleaning up on a regular day! I really use the wine thing (I enjoy my wine) as very tongue and cheek playing into the relateability of my life to others, b/c let’s face it those of us that subscribe to the Mean Mom mentality are not understood well by others. I gave up guilt and “mother martyr syndrome” a long time ago. If I ask you to do something for me and you say yes. Then that’s on you. You can’t turn around and tell me (or behind my back) say how inconvenient my request was or how put out you were. YOU have the option of NO! I learned how to use it. And don’t get me started on the whole useless husband thing. I would have fired mine a looooooooooong time ago if he was anything like how other women describe theirs. Then again playing into the mother martyr syndrome…my husband is so pathetic I HAVE to do it all. TRUST me he may not do it YOUR way but left to his own devices he will get it done. You have to let him fail a few times, don’t rescue him, let the consequences fall and build a PARTNERSHIP.
What really irritates me are the fathers that for father’s day that get to golf or do whatever they want on “their” day. Um, you do that anyway,you should spend it WITH the children. Stereotype? Yes. Truth in stereo types?…Perhaps.
Is it too early to join you in that glass of red?
May 10, 2013 @ 10:25 am
I think there are a couple reasons why we’re hearing it’s “so hard to be a mother” these days. One is that the Dr. Spock generation, me included (I’m in my mid *ahem* 30s, so don’t think it’s just the young’ens any more), who was raised with the child’s self-confidence in mind at all times, have become mothers now. Suddenly, there’s nobody there to make us feel good about ourselves all day long. Motherhood inherently makes you humble, tired, frustrated…those moments of pride are there, but they’re bookmarked by stress.
The other thing going on is that our culture today is more open to communicating honest feelings. A couple generations back, it wasn’t ok to openly admit your faults. Now we get Reese Witherspoon coming on national tv the day after her arrest to talk about what she did wrong. And, here I am sharing my feelings on a blog.
I think that’s why we’re hearing mom’s whine a little more than before. But you’re right, Denise. Griping is not a virtue. So pass the wine, here’s a toast all the moms up there who hold their heads up high and ask for nothing in return, and when those moments of joy and pride pop up may we be alert enough to recognize them and wise enough to be satisfied.
May 22, 2013 @ 3:14 pm
Great post. Food for thought as always!
Definitely so sick of the “exhaustion-as-status-symbol” thing. I mean, why??!? Such a waste of energy. Goes hand in hand with over the top self-martyrdom.
Personally for Mother’s Day, I am somewhere in between the “don’t mind hosting a crowd” and “pampered princess.” I prefer an easier-than-normal day, a meal out w/ the fam, maybe a pedicure. A cute card and maybe a small, cheap gift. But my hubby & I are up front with each other about these things (he’s already told me the inexpensive gift he would like for Father’s Day)….so it all works out. Managing expectations is HUGE (-: