Q&A With “The Happiest Mom” Author Meagan Francis. Win Her New Book Here!

I first “met” writer and mom Meagan Francis on an online forum for writers. She was awaiting the overdue delivery of her fourth son. Since then, we’ve become friends on- and off-board, and have met in person at more than one writer’s conference (which tend to include margaritas at some point in the weekend, which I bring up only to prove that, yes, she is a happy mom!). In that time, she’s produced a handful of books (not to mention a fifth child, a daughter) and many hundreds of magazine articles and blog posts on her very popular, very accessible blog, The Happiest Mom. Her philosophy might at first glance seem the antithesis of mine — Mean Mom and Happy Mom can play in the same sandbox? Why, yes, yes we can! Because what we agree on is the overarching belief that motherhood (parenthood, really) is part of your life, not your whole reason for existence. You are you first, a mother second. We both believe that raising good kids starts with you. I can (and I have) learned many lessons from Meagan.

Meagan’s terrific new book (no, really it’s terrific; I had the chance to read it in its very early stages, so I’m like the friend who saw the new baby in the hospital and can assure everyone who hasn’t seen or held it yet that it is indeed cute as all heck) is a refreshing look at how it is possible to put “mother” and “happy” in the same sentence.

Here’s my Q&A with author and mom of five Meagan. Leave a comment on ways you’ve found to be a happier mother, and I’ll choose a winner at random for a complimentary copy of The Happiest Mom, which you can also buy here.

Feel free to pass this along to friends who might want to win — contest will close April 30. And without further ado…. Welcome Meagan!

Q Meagan, I love your whole concept of being happy as a mom. Do you think that the current zeitgeist — motherhood is so hard, you have to try like crazy to get it all perfect or risk your children’s very future — is what makes mothers less happy?

Definitely. I think there are a whole lot of factors at play here, but a big part of it is all the options we have as moms these days. Because there’s no longer one socially-acceptable “right” way to live, it’s very easy for moms to feel obligated to prove (even if just to themselves) that they’ve made all the “best” choices. For example, working moms feel pressure to “do it all” at home and at the office to justify their choices. At-home moms feel pressure to “professionalize” motherhood in order to justify their choices. And then we get into the “which side has it harder” debate to try to prove that not only are we making the BETTER choices, but that we’re putting in more effort, too. Extra virtue points!!

It’s not just working versus not working; everything from schooling method to what to feed our kids has become loaded with options. It’s easy to get stuck in the trap of thinking that, with all these choices, there’s some perfect recipe we can hit on with enough effort…and that we only have ourselves to blame if we don’t raise the smartest, most athletically or musically gifted, and all-around most above-above-average kids on the block.

Don’t get me wrong—some choices are really Big Deals and need to be thought over carefully, but I think those tend to be the larger-picture stuff: the way we live our lives, the way we interact with one another, the values we put forward. Whether or not your toddler gets into a certain art class is not likely to make or break the rest of his life.

Q I have a feeling my own mother would laugh at the idea of motherhood making you happy. (My own parents were from a generation that just were parents, as opposed to taking up parenting, if you see my distinction). But motherhood making you happy is not what you’re all about, right?

No way. I think expecting your children to make you happy is a huge recipe for disappointment and disillusionment…and it’s not really fair to your kids, either (who needs that kind of pressure?). Instead, I think it’s my job as a mother and a human being to work toward being the happiest and most well-adjusted person I can be separate from my role of “mom.” I’m a mother, but first of all I’m a human being. If I remember that, I can model a strong sense of self for my kids and they in turn can learn to become happy, competent, confident adults.

Q As you and my readers know, I’m all about the mean. But of course I don’t define mean as stingy or dour, but mean as in realistic and not namby-pamby; mean as in having authority in the household, having my eyes on the prize (that is, sane, independent, caring and productive adults). How do you see your concept and mine converging?

Sometimes being mean makes you happy. Like you said, it’s not about being stingy or cruel or no fun. But constantly negotiating with our kids over every little thing, doubting our own authority in the home or resisting helpful routines and expectations makes life way harder than it needs to be for moms. With five kids there is frankly no way I could have long debates with them over every little decision and still hold on to my sanity, let alone happiness. Plus, no matter how many or few kids you have there is satisfaction in knowing you’re helping them become those independent and caring adults.

Q I talk a lot about rules and discipline, because it’s my feeling that when you hand the controls over to the shorter members of the household, you get chaos, and bad results down the line. Having an ordered, scheduled home makes me happy as a mom, and when I’m happy, well, you know. But what if you’re the kind of mom who doesn’t like rules and schedules?

I think we all have different levels of tolerance when it comes to winging it versus planning, and sometimes parenthood requires us to either tighten or loosen the reins a bit. Before having children my life was completely spontaneous, disorganized, and unstructured. I tried to carry that mentality forward into parenthood and after a painful adjustment period, realized that a little structure and order is actually really good for my kids and for me as a mom. On the flip side, if I’d been the sort of person who had every fifteen minute segment of my day planned out pre-kids, I probably would have been pretty miserable trying to make a baby fit into that schedule. I believe there can be a lot of happy and functional middle ground, but we have to be mature and observant enough to realize when it’s not working and make changes.

We also have to make sure our motivations are coming from the right place. If we’re resisting schedules because they don’t feel right and our child seems to be thriving without a rigid structure in place, then great. But if we’re resisting establishing common-sense rules and routines because we fear our child’s reaction, want to be “nice” or can’t seem to muster up the gumption to lay down even a bit of law, then there’s an unhealthy dynamic at platy that needs to be examined.

Q What do you think is the greatest bar to motherly (or parental) happiness these days?

I think it might be a big case of too much information. When there are eighteen different products that might solve our child’s behavior problem, fifty preschools to choose from, and two dozen patented child-rearing approaches we need to weigh before even giving birth, we’ve set ourselves up to believe that one approach or product or technique is The Best. The noise becomes so great we moms often stop listening to ourselves because we can’t hear our own inner voices over the thousands of opinions that surround us.

The antidote is to be true to ourselves and our own family’s values. It really doesn’t matter what the other moms at the office or the playground are doing, as long as you know you’re making decisions from a place of confidence and rightness for you and your family. The faster we moms can learn to say “so what?” when confronted with a conflicting idea about parenting, the happier we’ll all be.