No! I Don’t WANT to Comment on the Now-Infamous Time Magazine Breastfeeding Cover Story! (But, Okay, I Will)
Note: I will answer the questions posed in the comments section of last week’s Ask the Mean Mom post, but I’ve also been asked by a subscriber and some others what my “take” is on the by-now-infamous Time Magazine cover, here:
"Are You Mom Enough?" Time magazine, them's fightin' words!
I didn’t want to comment, really. Certainly, I didn’t want to comment just on the cover; I wanted to read the article, which I finally did, yesterday.
But first, the cover: I think we can all agree that it’s blatant sensationalism. Everyone sees what they want to see. Some see a proud mother, unashamed to be nursing a four-year-old (and she shouldn’t be ashamed. In fact, I’d argue it’s a crying shame that more women don’t breastfeed their babies at all. Still, Time could just have easily shown a mom with a younger baby nursing in a sling, which to me is a more direct image to say ‘attachment parenting,’ which is what the article’s about). Others see an image that disgusts them or titillates (sorry). All that was what the Time folks hoped; that, and that those who saw the image would scramble to buy a copy.
As a journalist, especially as someone who spent a lot of time in old-school (read: non-digital) magazine offices, helping decide which cover images and coverlines would make the biggest impact on newsstand sales, I could see right through the editors’ efforts, and this was before I read the piece, which as I’ll explain in a bit, is not directly related to the image. And I had my most rueful laugh of the week watching, of all things, Bill Maher’s Real Time last Friday. The comedian and political commentator included a snarky mention of the cover in his “New Rules” bit, in which he regularly skewers politics and popular culture. When he said, of that cover and coverline choice, that “…seriously? The print media has to die more gracefully,” well… yeah. I agree, even though the print media has been my bread and butter for 25 years. (You can view the bit here, at about minute 1:20, but I’ll warn you if you’re not familiar with Maher, it’s not suitable viewing for work or with little ones around!)
So yeah, Bill, Time magazine may be jumping the shark, but they got us, didn’t they?
I didn’t want them to get me. I’m frankly way, way over this discussion of who’s a better or more committed or more “full time” mom (which you know from this recent post about the so-called Mommy Wars is a phrase that gets my particular panties in a bunch). But by now I’ve read the story and I have to say at least this: the photo is a blip in the content of the article, which is a discussion (and a fairly nuanced one, overall) of the work of Dr. William Sears, who popularized attachment parenting with the publication of The Baby Book 20 years ago.
I guess a picture of the 70-something Sears wouldn’t sell copies.
The coverline, “Are you Mom Enough” is, to me, far more aggravating and polarizing than any photo of a nursing mother could ever be. It’s setting readers up – before they get a chance to page through a reasonable journalistic take on the subject of attachment parenting – to take sides.
For the record, attachment parenting was not for me. I don’t believe that babies who are fed on demand and worn on a parent’s body 24/7 and not allowed a moment of distress are better off than children who, like my boys, were fed my milk but on a schedule, who were cuddled a lot but who slept in their cribs and were toted around in strollers, not slings. It’s my belief that anyone’s babies are better off when they’re loved, and when the style of parenting adopted feels right to their parents. Was I, am I, attached to my boys? Of course I am. Do they feel attached to me? Of course they do.
On Time.com, there’s even a quiz to help you work out if you’re an attachment parent, but all the questions are yes or no, which makes it seem as though we all have a choice between baby-sling-wearing virtue, and Betty Draper detachment.
You tell me: what facet of parenting is ever yes or no, black or white?
Here’s one thing I did not know, until I read that article, and props to the writer, Kate Pickert, who as I said did a pretty balanced job: both Dr. William Sears and his wife, Martha, admit that they developed their attachment style of parenting as a reaction against poor parenting they’d either experienced or witnessed. Martha Sears tells a sad story of a baby in her family who was left to cry dejectedly in her crib for hours, without attention or love. Out of that is born a desire to never let a baby cry? Or to view any version of sleep training that involves “crying it out” to be abusive? I don’t see that. Again, nothing’s quite that black and white.
Pickert also wonders what Dr. Sears really thinks about working mothers. In the past, apparently, he’s been clearly against mothers leaving their children at all. He claims he doesn’t believe that any longer. And yet we find out that he financially subsidized his sons and daughters-in-law, so that the women could afford to stay home.
(If my father in law, admittedly a generous man, had made that offer? After I peeled myself off the floor and sniffed his Scotch glass to be sure no one had accidentally slipped him something psychedelic, I’d have said no thanks. And not because I didn’t wish I could have nursed instead of pumping milk in a chilly conference room, but because I wouldn’t have given up working even so, because working is who I am, which is part of the kind of mother I am.)
See? No clear answers, no yes-or-no, no black and white.
What do you think?
May 15, 2012 @ 9:46 am
It’s true, the cover was there to sell more copies. Period. And it worked! I bought one (but haven’t had time to read it yet). It’s funny…when I was pregnant 17 years ago (yikes!) a friend bought me Sear’s The Baby Book. I used that book until it fell apart. Not for the baby-wearing, attachment parenting parts, mind you, but for the “what do you do for a teething baby?” kind of questions. Just like many aspects of my life, I don’t have to agree with you 100 percent in order to take some of your advice. I am a big proponent of breast-feeding (nursed my twins until 12 months) but even I found that Time magazine cover a bit icky.
May 15, 2012 @ 9:49 am
Christina, thanks. I never read his books when I had my first baby, but I did have a few others on hand that got dog-eared for certain, very specific advice as I needed it. Your comment about the Sears book is exactly my point, of course: you take what you need and what works for you. Another thing brought up in the Time article is that parents who’ve tried to be their 100% best at everything Attachment Parenting tend to feel stressed out and guilty, because no one can do EVERYTHING perfectly right, and no one ever meant them to, I don’t think.
May 15, 2012 @ 10:00 am
I LOVE this sentence: “You tell me: what facet of parenting is ever yes or no, black or white?”
Amen!
That’s the thing that’s so easy for new parents to guess, and we parenting writers and publishers don’t always help. Magazines and book publishers so often want everything wrapped up neatly and succinctly and easily, but parenting is not that easy. Kids are different. Parents are different. Situations are different. There’s a whole lot of gray in the parenting world!
I share you hesitation to comment on the Time cover, simply because I refuse to help them get any more attention or sell anymore magazines. But I did weigh in on the Mommy Wars question, and ended up saying pretty much the same thing you did: Parenting is complicated, and we do the best we can. If you want, you see my post at http://www.bloggingboutboys.blogspot.com/2012/05/mommy-wars-what-mommy-wars.html
May 15, 2012 @ 10:00 am
BTW, that should have said, “so easy for new parents to MISS, not guess.” I’m not sure what my fingers are up to this AM!
May 15, 2012 @ 12:02 pm
Thanks so much for this blog! It is nice to see somebody take a balanced look at it, even if they are not attachment parents themselves. I do consider myself an attachment parent. I have an almost-8-month-old, and we babywear (not necessarily on a daily basis now that he’s bigger, though sometimes he’s in an Ergo Carrier if I need to do dishes). I am also a working mother. I’m blessed that my husband is self-employed and is able to arrange things so that he can care for our son when I’m at work. He’s a wonderful dad and also fully subscribes to the attachment parenting philosophy. That doesn’t mean that we think everything has to be done a certain way… it just means we follow our son’s cues when it comes to feeding and napping and playing and whatnot. My son does take naps fairly regularly, but he fell into that routine completely on his own. He also sleeps in our bed, but that makes my life easier because I can feed him at night while I sleep. lol.
So, for me, attachment parenting is the best. But like you said, this is one of those things where the best thing for baby (and mom and dad and siblings!) is to follow the style of parenting that feels right to you. I’m definitely not one of those ones that is all stressed out by it… I don’t think there is some gold standard of attachment parenting. And I’m still pretty new at the whole thing, too, haha.
May 15, 2012 @ 12:40 pm
Nice post. I used Dr. Sears’ Baby Book and found it incredibly helpful for medical stuff. And re: the attachment parenting stuff, I read it as a philosophy, not as hard and fast rules, and he says throughout the book that the most important thing is that you need to do what works for you. In other words, if family bed doesn’t work for your family, don’t do it. I feel Sears gets painted as a Nazi when he’s totally not. At least not in the book. Parents who stress themselves out about following his advice perfectly–I feel like that’s gotta be their own anxiety! The theory made sense to me–if we’d left our infants alone to scream in another room, back in the day, they would have been eaten by tigers and we wouldn’t have survived as a species. But I was left to scream and I love my mom and am fairly well-balanced, I hope. Every parent and every child is different and love is what matters. For me, having my infant in the bed meant easier breastfeeding and more sleep. And wearing him in a sling was WAY easier than trying to negotiate a stroller in NYC, plus kept him happier and gave me more freedom. I breastfed till age 2 because I worked from home at the time and it was easier than formula and bottles and after age 1 it was my secret weapon for stopping a meltdown. So, again, made my life easier–I am frankly perplexed by the idea that those things are necessarily harder. Different strokes.
May 15, 2012 @ 1:31 pm
The cover didn’t bother me b/c I find it far more appropriate that human children drink human milk, which is created by mom’s body specifically for their needs, than for children to drink cow’s milk, which was made to grow a calf into a great big 1000+ pound cow. We are the only species that drinks the milk of another species (I don’t.) That is what seems strange to me. Do I judge people who let their kids drink cow’s milk? No. But it is a strange concept to me overall.
Like Denise, I was more disturbed by the title of the article. If your child is healthy and happy, then you are doing at good job at mothering, period. There is no one way that is better than another. There is no “mom enough” or “not mom enough.” Anyone who judges themselves as superior b/c they attachment parent is kind of sad and a bit pathetic. I did some attachment parenting myself, but never judged myself as superior b/c of it. It is what it is. It is one individual’s way of parenting and nothing more.
If women turned all of their negative judgy “I’m a better mom” energy into something positive, like doing nice things for others and setting a better example for their kids by not knocking down others to make themselves feel better, the world would be a much better place.
May 15, 2012 @ 6:29 pm
I agree about the title. You have a baby, you’re a mom. What does “mom enough” even mean? The picture is neutral to me. I can see what they’re trying to do, with an enormous three-year-old in big-boy clothes, but the pic itself, out of context, calls up no emotions.
I read Dr. Sears and tried implementing attachment parenting with my first, but she was so mellow and we were so connected, right from the start, that she didn’t need any of it. She slept on her own, she rarely cried. She was as happy on the floor as in her sling, so I stopped using it. My second was grumpy and out of sorts and wouldn’t sleep except in my arms or the sling, so she sort of made me do attachment parenting. My children have different temperaments and different needs; this is one reason I think rabid followers of any parenting “guru” are being a little ridiculous.
The idea of carrying a baby who needs it is great; however, the term “baby-wearing” kinda rustles my jimmies. My baby isn’t an accessory, she’s a person, and even if she’s in the sling, I’m carrying her.
May 16, 2012 @ 9:34 am
I think that no matter what parenting style a mom chooses, she is doing the right thing. All kids really need is love anyway. I never read the article in Time, because I don’t normally read Time.
May 16, 2012 @ 3:37 pm
I spent a year writing for API Speaks (the blog for Attachment Parenting International) and while I have not read the articles, everything I have heard seems to indicate that, like you pointed out, attachment parenting is an all or nothing endeavor, and that it deeply divides mothers. My experience couldn’t be further from that.
I sort of fell into AP, following a lot of the tenets just because they worked for me. Breastfeeding, babywearing, cosleeping and feeding on demand. And then I read that there was a name for my style. However, we also used the stroller plenty, my kids slept on their own a lot, they both used pacifiers, we supplemented with formula, and I happily fed them jarred food. As with any group, you will always find a zealot that honestly believes that spanking is tantamount to whipping and that cry it out causes brain damage and that formula is poison. But to be fair, you’ll also find parents who believe that not spanking creates spoiled kids, that people who cosleep are weak, and that breastfeeding is gross.
A lot of my work at API Speaks was about the “moderate” path of AP. How we “part time coslept” and how I made the decision to stop using my sling, etc.
Personally, I feel that a lot of the press on AP focuses on the infant care stuff and glossed over or ignored many of the other aspects–using a gentle approach, using an age appropriate discipline method when needed, realizing that every child is different, and allowing children to be children, rather than pushing them to do or be things that they are not developmentally ready for.
May 16, 2012 @ 3:43 pm
Thanks for this great comment, Kayris! I hear you clearly on the nuance issue with any “style” of childcare. For example, I say that I breasfed my kids on a schedule. Well, I’m sure that can sound as though I mean that (a) on-demand feeding is a crazy idea; and/or (b) I let my babies cry if it wasn’t “time” to be fed. In truth, I started out, like any brand new nursing mother with no idea what I was doing, de facto feeding on demand. But once my milk came in, and my very hungry baby’s demand amped up, as did my supply, it worked for us both for him to have long, complete feeds, which meant he wasn’t ready to be fed for another 2 hours, which gradually stretched to 3 hours, which gradually meant he slept through the night. We “fell into” our schedule.
And it is tiring to know that all the general public hears about AP are the aspects that are easy to sensationalize, such as long-term nursing and co-sleeping and babywearing.
It’s all so silly!
August 20, 2012 @ 10:42 pm
It’s all a buffet (pardon the pun). Take what you want and leave the rest. My special needs child nursed until 4. I did the sling thing. I co-slept. I’m a Mean Mom though too. This mom was kinda irked at the photo they used on the front. The magazine certainly did the photo and title for dramatization. Nothing like a little shock factor to get people talking.