Gearing Up for Gift Giving: Do You “Owe” Your Kids a Holiday Bonanza?
Is this what I owe my kids?
As I was mulling over the subject of this post — do we owe it to our kids to give them A Great Holiday? Does your definition of A Great Holiday involve a certain number or type of distribution of gifts? A certain price point? An even-Steven stack for each child? — I read this excellent post by my friend Meagan Francis, over at The Happiest Mom. And wouldn’t you know it’s about the whole “owe” concept. Meagan’s talking here more broadly about ditching the idea that we “owe” our children things, if those things don’t fit in to our own unique worldview. Sounds a lot like what I always say, if you boil it down to its very essence: If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.
So anyway, this all brings my actual post idea — holiday gifts for kids — into perspective.
Because my feeling has always been, I don’t owe my children a specific experience when it comes to gifts. A certain number of them, say, or a certain predetermined price value. Before they knew what the whole hoopla meant surrounding Christmas goodies and Santa Claus, in fact, I didn’t get them any gifts at all.
Or birthday gifts, or birthday cards. I don’t think I’ve ever bought my boys a store birthday card. I remember seeing birthday cards parents had bought for one-year-old children and wondering why? For me, it felt vaguely ridiculous. A commercial card he can’t read, signed love Mommy and Daddy? Who is that card for? I’d argue it’s for you (which is fine if that’s what you want, but my point is that I didn’t feel that I “owed” my child a first birthday gift, much less a first birthday card.) Or a Christmas gift.
My boys have never gotten piles of gifts so high they couldn’t see over them, or so much stuff that they adopted that glazed, shark-frenzy look that I’m sure we’ve all seen when kids are in gift-overload, and all they do is unwrap, toss aside, and look for more. And before you congratulate me for my forward thinking approach: I didn’t arrange it this way on purpose. It just happened. In part because I never saw a reason to buy a child a gift who couldn’t, say, sit all the way up to open a gift, or understand the magic of Santa presents appearing beneath the tree. And in part because I am blessed with parents and parents-in-law who enjoy giving their grandchildren A GIFT. Not twelve gifts. (And they veer toward the practical, which is awesome when we need pajamas and winter coats!)
When my older son was five, he asked for a gift from Santa for the first time ever. He asked for a trumpet. We got him a shiny toy trumpet. The next year he wanted an accordion; that he got. And so it went, until the point we’re at now, when they create lists and we’re sure to get at least one or two of the most reasonable requests on the list (my younger son wants a dictionary, bless him, and an iPod, always; guess which one he’ll actually get this year?). Big boy wants a watch “with lots of features, such as a timer and a stopwatch,” the current Guinness World Book of Records, “and whatever else you think you want to get me.” The rest of their Santa gifts will be as many smaller things as I can afford, wrapped in as many packages as I can muster.
I don’t owe them any particular type of Christmas. But they deserve the feeling of anticipation and delight, don’t you think? And I think one excellent way to extend and foster that feeling, for me, has been to limit expectations, yes. But it’s also important, and useful, to not even start with the notion that anything’s “owed” them. Even if you never utter the actual phrase, “I owe you guys all this stuff,” they feel it if you feel it; they get the idea that they are owed, that the idea is to tick things off a list, or to measure the size of the stacks under the tree or falling out of the stocking.
What do you think?
By the way, Meagan Francis of The Happiest Mom and I have, in the past, gotten a lot of writerly mileage out of comparing what we have in common as writers and mothers, given our surface differences: She has five kids, and is the self-proclaimed HAPPY mom; I have two, a decidedly more dyspeptic attitude, and am the self-proclaimed MEAN mom. But we’ve known each other for years and I, for one, admire the heck out of her. I invite you — no! I implore you! — to go check out Meagan’s newest project, The Kitchen Hour, and listen to the two of us talking food and family on this podcast, which I had great fun doing with her.
[photo credit: Everystock.com]
November 29, 2012 @ 2:33 pm
Great post. I like the “want-need-wear-read” way of going about things, but have also held in reserve a “if three gifts was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for you” to use if needed. I want Christmas to feel magical, not material.
November 29, 2012 @ 3:18 pm
Great post, Denise, and something I think about every year. I have 4 kids and a limited income; I have to be careful about what I buy. But I’m also very cognizant of the fact that I’m not the only one buying my kids gifts. They get gifts from their dad, their grandparents (both sides), godparents, other extended relatives, etc. Heck, I could buy my kids absolutely NOTHING, and they would still have quite a haul by the end of Dec. So do I feel I owe them? No. I try to give them meaningful things — something simple that they want, or something that supports one of their interests. And books, b/c I love books (and Scholastic warehouse sales are AWESOME). I might have overdone it on the books in the past, though, b/c my #2 son told me this year: “No more books!” 😉
November 29, 2012 @ 4:01 pm
Denise,
I am looked as a horrible parent when I tell people we did not get our child anything for her first Christmas. She was nearly 8 months old. Nothing to open, no card, no stocking. I think she might have been 2 when she actually got presents from us. Yes Grandparents were a different story. Her sister, 3 yrs younger was the same but got token items from Santa once he showed up at our place. No, I don’t believe I “owe” my children anything gift related or vacation related. We do not buy a lot for our children outside of Christmas and birthdays. They don’t get a lot of random “wants” outside of those days. So for us Christmas is a little special. I will try and get one or two brand name items from their want list. There are lots of practical “needs” under the tree vs “wants.” There was a year when money was tight and I got them dishes. I swear to you. We needed some new dishes and I found some Mickey & Minnie art sketched plates and bowls. We are a Disney crazy family. I wrapped them up and each kid got a set. They loved them!
My 11 yrs old’s want that’s not happening
Hedge Hog (yes alive, um, no)
My 14 year old’s want that’s not happening
Polaroid camera (um, no)
November 30, 2012 @ 7:58 am
Interesting post. Wish I had read it 18 years ago! You and the commenters are lucky that you have gift giving families. My children get one gift each from my side of the family (I come from a family of 14, so we have always drawn names for a gift exchange) and my husband’s side gave a gift only if we traveled across the country at Christmas…shipping is too expensive. So the gifts we give are the only ones they get. Period. And maybe we tried to make up for the grandmas that didn’t get them anything. Now that they are older (9, 16 & 18) it is difficult to back away from the history we have created. The older 2 get that we have a budget and the things they want sometimes exceed that and they will contribute part of the cost. My little one still has Santa to help her out
November 30, 2012 @ 9:47 am
Denise, as usual I completely agree! We didn’t give our oldest DD gifts for her birthday or Christmas until she was 2. We did give gifts to her younger sisters before that age, though, because she wanted to open them FOR her, KWIM? Our kids get one gift from Santa, a stocking which is reasonable (one small toy, bubble bath, an orange and some chocolate and/or candy) and one gift from us. We realized that was enough because they get gifts from grandparents and aunties as well. In fact, we sometimes have a hard time thinking of things to suggest for them because we don’t really think they need any more “stuff”! Thank you for once again being the voice of reason!
November 30, 2012 @ 12:01 pm
It’s so interesting to think about where we even get the notion that we owe our kids certain events and experiences (Disneyland, beautiful Christmas experiences, ski trips…) It feels like these messages come from all over not just one source, and they kind of creep into our parenting worldview silently. You don’t realize they have been planted in your mind until they are already growing and take some energy to be removed.
Thanks for your thoughts!
November 30, 2012 @ 1:04 pm
Ours did get a few gifts as infants, but it was stuff that they actually needed. My daughter, whi just turned 6, was a month old on her first Christmas. I bought her a tint red velour sleeper embroidered with “Baby’s First Christmas.” And it’s in her memory box. And I think I bought a baby book that year too and that was it.
We have a huge family that always buys for the kids, and I try to give them practical ideas. My daughter legitimately needs new snow boots. And a lot of the things they are getting, or that I have suggested to family, are sports related. The 6 year old is getting ice skates to replace the ones she outgrew, and the 8 year old is getting a flag football set and rollerblades to replace the skates he outgrew. MIL always gives them money, which I plan to use towards the next round of swim lessons.
If I owe my kids anything, it is to be raised in a loving and respectful environment, to keep them safe and healthy and to be the best mom I can be. That doesn’t include dropping loads of money on gifts.
November 30, 2012 @ 3:00 pm
Gee, it never occurred to me to even use the word “owe” in reference to my kids. Certainly not in terms of anything material. I too never bought my kids presents until they were old enough to ask for one. My kids have a set of grandparents that load on piles of presents, so they never even noticed. Now they notice, so I get them something, but it is usually something small, like a game (something I can play with them – that is their present too!). They actually complain sometimes (along the lines of, “that’s all?”) to which I just say, “yup” or “that and the birthday cake and the party I threw you and my unconditional love!!!! (followed by a big hug, which these days send them running off to play).
And i never got my kids a store bought cards. I dont even get other kids store bought cards. I think it is a waste (of money and paper). Kids are not interested in the card. It’s either a homemade one or I just write the name on the wrapping paper.
Oh and the Santa thing. That gets me a little crazy because I often spend more money on that (particularly stocking stuffers) than on the present I get credit for
Nice post D!
November 30, 2012 @ 3:47 pm
I forgot to say…
…when I was growing up, “Santa” got us one gift and everything else was from mom and dad.
My husband’s family did the “everything is from Santa” thing. We have opted to go with what my family did, because we want credit! Why should some fat man at the North Pole get all the kudos when it’s actually mom and dad putting in the money and the effort?
December 2, 2012 @ 3:15 pm
I just had to reply to this because I’ve been hearing this argument a lot lately, that parents want credit for the presents instead of Santa. My question is basically “why”? Does it benefit the child to know who paid for their presents? (Or is it for the benefit of the parents??)
Thinking back to my own childhood, the concept of money and that my presents cost money didn’t enter my young, innocent mind on Christmas morning. In fact, as I grew older and I began to understand the cost of items, receiving expensive presents from my parents sometimes gave me a guilt trip (especially if I didn’t like the present, if I couldn’t reciprocate, etc.)
So it makes me wonder if enforcing “I BOUGHT this for you” to our children even more is really a good idea. I’m curious what others think too… Is it beneficial to make sure children know who paid for their presents?
December 3, 2012 @ 3:47 pm
Briana, I hear you, and I feel the same way. I can wait until my sons stop believing in Santa (not yet, which really surprises me as they’re 8 and 10 and not exactly naive!) for them to realize it’s me and their dad. I think the best part of the “from Santa” biz is the aspect that part of it is serendipity. Once they know it’s you, it starts becoming more about commerce.
December 4, 2012 @ 4:06 pm
It’s not about the money or who paid for the presents. Especially as we don’t do expensive gifts. It’s about understanding the reason and actions behind gift giving–the effort, the thoughtfulness, the intention behind the gift. It’s about teaching my children that Christmas gifts are not about writing a list of things that they want and then seeing them (or some of them) appear under the tree overnight. It’s about getting to know the people we give gifts to and understanding them. For example, we give something small to the crossing guard at school. Last year, my son remembered that the guard told him one day that she doesn’t like winter because her fingers get cold and stiff and painful. So he picked out a warm pair of gloves and a package of reusable handwarmers to give her. She still talks about it and showed him this week that she was using the handwarmers.
Another year, we went to the used book sale shelf at the library and picked out a pile to give to my husband’s grandmother, who is really old and doesn’t really need anything, but she stays in a lot and likes to read. We packaged the books (3 hardbacks for 1 dollar) with her favorite brand of hot chocolate and a soft blanket. He’s definitely gotten the idea that a gift doesn’t have to be brand new or expensive to mean something.
So when I say “credit” I don’t mean anything to do with money. It means that getting a gift goes far beyond saying “I want this” and then getting it.
November 30, 2012 @ 4:23 pm
Baguette is two and a half, and does not understand gifts and unwrapping and all that. It’s still going to happen, but I find myself constantly reminding the rest of the family that she probably just won’t be that into it, and that they need to focus on the fact that she will, later, play with their gifts.
December 1, 2012 @ 3:22 pm
OMG I stared blankly at the name “Baguette” and thought, oh my! Then I saw the poster’s name was Tragic Sandwich. Not that there is anything wrong with the name Baguette except ya, I’ll admit I would totally make fun of you behind your back.
What? At least I’m honest! 😉
Last year I put sparkly curly ribbon in a shiny bag for my niece, 9 mo. old. That gift WAS for her. The next one was for her parents … something to dress her in. 😉
December 3, 2012 @ 2:01 pm
In our house the entire season is celebrated, not just the day of, so gifts are only one piece of a very big puzzle. There are Christmas movie marathons, driving around looking at Christmas lights, decorating, baking, building graham cracker houses, Christmas music, dinner with friends, wrapping, shopping, school and neighborhood parties, and an overnight trip to a large Christmas light display. I do think we “owe” our children a wonderful holiday, I just don’t think material goods are the way to do that. Most of what we do that makes this time of year so special is free or cheap. In our family, Christmas is 4-6 week affair, not one day, so the focus is more on the activities than the presents.
December 3, 2012 @ 3:46 pm
JK, I love this take on what we “owe.” We do owe them the sparkle and the fun and the wonderful memories. I try to focus on that and not get all preparation-crazy, which is another bad habit (along with too much emphasis on $$) that takes away from the delight they deserve!
Denise
December 6, 2012 @ 9:40 am
I think this is maybe the last holiday season we’ll have with zero expectations. My little guy is 4 1/2, so maybe on track with yours who first asked for something at 5. This year he wrote a letter to the North Pole. “Dear Santa, Do you like trains?” When people ask him what he wants he gives a blank look. Not that he won’t get gifts — like you I’m lucky to have grandparents (also aunts/uncles) that give gifts, nothing too crazy. But we haven’t bought him anything yet for any holidays or birthdays. I do like your point though that I hadn’t considered, that kids do deserve that joy of anticipation.
December 8, 2012 @ 4:12 pm
Just happened across your book in the bookstore. The title caught my eye because I am a “mean” mommy at heart, but I feel pressure. I get looks from my adoring mother cohorts. I feel judged because for years my boys played with sticks. My friends laugh at me. I caved to some of the pressure, bought toys, and those toys have been given away en masse because no one ever played with them. I love your approach to Christmas, and here again, we’re seen as the scrooges of the family. We send out email reminders to grandparents…”only two gifts please.” My husband pointed out that they have three sets of grandparents so they’ll be piled under gifts. Guess there’s always room for more downsizing. Thanks for confirming for me that I’m not actually mean–just rooted in what’s reasonable.