Are You “Living Through” Your Children?
James (left) and Daniel, after they got the thrill of playing a $150,000 Steinway grand at their last recital.
I think I’ve mentioned that my boys both take piano lessons. My big boy started in second grade. A year later, when his brother was in first grade, he started too. It was perhaps a little bit early for him (he got kind of goofy and often his half-hour was cut to 20 minutes, the extra 10 given to my older son).
It’s not very expensive, but it’s not cheap either (though given that aside from soccer for the younger kid, neither has another activity that costs much at all — I might have a harder struggle with piano-lesson money if I also had to buy hockey equipment or dance-recital costumes). Neither is a prodigy, and I expect neither ever will be, though sometimes they surprise me. Thing is, I just plain-old, flat-out, unabashedly love that they take these lessons, and lurking behind the main aim (that I believe music education is a great gift they’ll have for their whole lives) is another reason: I wish I had taken piano lessons. I’ve always admired musical talent of any kind, and I have none.
But is that the same thing as “living through” my children? I’m pretty sure, for me, that it’s not. I thought about this after reading a report about new research that attempted to tease out whether parents sometimes attempt to recreate their lives through their offspring. The study, conducted by doctoral student Eddie Brummelman at Utrecht University in the Netherlands, took the form of a survey: 73 parents (mostly mothers) were asked if they saw their child as a “part of themselves.” Then, they were asked to write about failed ambitions, either of their own, or of someone they knew. finally, they answered questions about their desire to see their children fulfill ambitions they themselves could not or did not. (I guess that’s where me and the piano come in?)
So, it appeared that when the parents wrote about a friend’s failed ambition, it didn’t seem to influence what they desired for their own child (so, I wouldn’t have gotten my sons piano lessons because my friend never took piano? Hrm….). But when the study parents had time to reflect on their own “broken dreams,” they began to express hope that their children could pick up the broken pieces and recreate the dream.
I dunno.
One of the primary objectives I had for my children (after “keeping them alive”) was specifically not to live through them, to create and then combine our goals. That was twinned with my personal objective, to remain myself, as I had defined myself up to when I had my first son, with the added-on piece of Me as Mother. I wasn’t going to turn into someone who dropped the “Denise” in favor of “Daniel’s Mom,” which I believe helps me better see Daniel (and, of course, James) as their own people. (In fact, those objectives became chapters one and two of my book!)
I love that they play the piano. I push them hard (not Tiger Mom hard, but hard) to practice. I applaud them when they do well. Daniel just almost-mastered a pretty difficult Mozart minuet (I am quick to add, arranged for a beginner-to-intermediate player; believe me, Juilliard is not in his future), and my heart is bursting with pride. And sure, I do still wish I could play, too.
The study report concludes by noting — pretty crucially in my opinion — that there’s no evidence that the parents who seemed to want their children to take up and fulfill one of their “failed” dreams actually pushed their children to do so, nor does it say that, if they did prompt their kids to do or try things the parents themselves never completed, it was harmful to them.
Ah, so there it is. It’s fine that even a small portion of my desire to see my boys stick to piano derives from my own lack in that area, because that’s not what I tell them is the reason (I encourage them to feel the joy of playing a piece of music, or being able to read music, or performing something they’ve worked on and receiving kudos, or any of the other positives of playing an instrument). But it’s there.
And I’m good with that.
What’s your take?
June 24, 2013 @ 11:55 am
My take: what could look like parents “wanting their kids to pick up the pieces of their broken dreams” could simply be parents living according to their values. I mean, you clearly value music; you believe strongly that music and the ability to play music enhances life. And because you believe that, you encourage your children in that area. I don’t think it’s b/c you want to live your dreams through your kids; I think it’s b/c you want your kids to have opportunities that you deem important and valuable.
As parents, I think we need to check ourselves sometimes. If the activity ever becomes more important to us, than to the kid, it might be time to stop. So if I value athletics and sports, I may well sign my kids up for baseball. But if, at any point, one of my kids truly and honestly expresses hate or intense dislike of baseball (and an interest in wanting to do something else), I should respect that rather than continuing to try to force my interests and my values on my kid.
June 24, 2013 @ 12:04 pm
Well said as usual Jenny! My younger son is soccer-mad, and my husband coaches him. I love that they do that, and I love soccer myself. But my older son quit more than a year ago, and is NOT even a tiny little bit a sporty kid. It can be uncomfortable, how into the soccer thing three of us are, but not the one of us. I thought about trying to compel him to continue back when he quit, but now that i see how he really, truly feels about it I’m glad I didn’t even try. And now my aim is to make him feel that his non-sports thing is 100% fine with me (though I do make it clear to him that we cheer on our family members because, you know, we’re family).
Denise
June 24, 2013 @ 12:05 pm
It’s not too late for you to take lessons now too 😉
June 24, 2013 @ 12:09 pm
Oh, I know! That’s on my wish list when our finances are a little less fraught. My kids’ teacher instructs mostly kids, but some adults, and the adults she teaches all were starting AS adults. It’s inspiring to see them at the recitals.
June 24, 2013 @ 12:29 pm
If you’re pushing your kids to do something that a) you did or didn’t do as a child AND b) that they hate, then I think that could qualify as “living through” them. It’s also possible that you have “talked up” whatever activity it is enough that your child thinks he enjoys it, but he really only does it because it makes you happy. Non-athletic kids being forced to play sports because their parents were star athletes comes to mind. Or beauty pageants. (There’s a controversy for you.) I took piano lessons for a variety of reasons, but I never thought my musical parents were living through me.
June 24, 2013 @ 7:56 pm
Funny, I was just thinking about this the other day, if people tend to put their kids in activities that they did or might enjoy over others.
My brother and I tried a lot of different things. Some we stuck with and others not so much, but it helped us find things we were good at. I’m sure my sports loving dad was thrilled that we both turned out to be pretty good at basketball, but he never insisted that we play.
Most of the things mine have done so far center around sports or being physically active, which is hugely important to me. Both did ice skating through preschool (once a week for thirty minutes, cost me two bucks to get into the rink and the instructor donated her time), soccer (first through a super cheap community program, and last year and this coming fall through school) and swim lessons. I’m hoping they don’t want to do swim team, but they can if they want to, and my son has expressed interest in scouts and drama club at school, both of which I have no interest in.
I’m a runner, and my son has recently asked if he can run with me. So I’m trying to keep it fun and light for him.
As others have commented I think it’s all in the attitude. If mom and dad are insisting on something that their child hates, then there is a problem.
December 12, 2016 @ 1:47 pm
Thanks for your honesty and the post. My take is that as someone who devleoped depression due to severe spoiling and overprotective parenting, and in a way my mother living through her children, I feel it is detrimental, especially for sons, who need to live independently and learn how to be a income earner and protector for the family, to do that. Of course a lot of it is unintentional, but if you are aware, then learning proper parenting tactics always helps to improve the lives of those you are entrusted with.