Ain’t it the Tooth: My Tiny Toothpaste Rant

Is it just minty-fresh enough?

I don’t like to whine (though I am genetically attracted to complaining. There’s a difference: Complaining suggests that there’s a problem that can and should be fixed. Whining is unproductive, but sometimes feels good.) So. Here’s my current complaint.

I can’t find toothpaste for my boys that meets their need for something simple, yet without too bracing a mint flavor; and my need — no, my determination — to avoid buying something specifically kiddie. My reasons are dual. One, the kiddie-focused stuff is sneakily (or maybe not so sneakily) more expensive per ounce. I do not enjoy being taken for a ride just because Dora’s face or Spiderman’s body is on the bottle or tube, thanks very much. Two, the kiddie stuff does not, or only elusively, can be found in mint of some variety. They are all either bubble gum, or something oddly named “Sparkle Fun Flavor.”

Excuse me? What does Sparkle taste like? And is there a regular Sparkle, or just Sparkle Fun?

And don’t get me started on bubble gum flavored toothpaste.

OK, whatever, get me started; I’m already there anyway. I sort of understand the impulse to get a special toothpaste for a new tooth-brusher, because made-for-adults, super-charged, tartar-control, extra-whitening gel with the mouthwash breath strips embedded within may be juuuuust a tad much for tiny mouths. But bubble gum? Here, little one. Spit out your bubble gum — chewing it is bad for your teeth! And to keep those teeth nice and clean and cavity-free, let’s brush it with this stuff that tastes like… bubble gum.

I like mint. I know you don’t need mint to get clean teeth; didn’t our forbears, when they practiced oral hygiene at all, use things like baking soda? But for better or worse (and I think it’s better), mint is the flavor associated with a clean mouth and fresh breath. There’s a reason Altoids, those curiously strong breath mints, don’t come in Juicy Fruit flavor; it’s just wrong.

But for kids, it seems everything has to shine, sparkle, make noise, shake, transform into something else, exist in unnatural hues — and, of course, taste like candy–  in order to attract them and, of course, the parent hanging out in the oral hygiene aisle, utterly perplexed.

I do buy these cute little Firefly toothbrushes that light up, but I do that, quite honestly, because the Firefly brushes are $.99 each at Target, whereas brand names in kid sizes are upwards of $2 or $3, depending (and if you want a character, like the big-eyed, big-headed Dora or our old buddy Spiderman, or the ever-ubiquitous Barbie, expect to shell out more). I’ll get the Firefly brushes in all different colors to make them happy, but I’ll be damned if I’ll get them Sparkle Fun toothpaste.

I have tried letting the boys use our toothpaste, but that brings up another toothpaste bugaboo of mine. There are way, way too many choices in adult pastes and gels these days, and all of them seem to have something about them that turns off my boys (I’ve tried, believe me). What happened to plain toothpaste? Once, I found a made-for-kids, mild mint gel. Can’t find it again, and I’ve looked. And I can’t find something in regular toothpaste section that qualifies. My kids don’t need stain-whitening; tartar-scrubbing; or breath-freshening (well, maybe sometimes they do!). They need, you know, toothpaste. They don’t need Sparkle Fun! Not fun.

And….that’s my rant. I’m squeezing the last drips out of our mild mint, and I have a few more stores to check. Ideas, anyone?