What Is “Pretty”? The Mom Who Straightened her 6-Year-Old’s Hair
Would Shirley Temple still be cute with Brazilian-straightened hair?
Back in elementary school, we got a new girl in our class one year who had Very Curly Hair. I mean, very curly. It wasn’t long and corkscrew-y, or wavy and bouncy, or quirky and Shirley Temple-like. This girl — her name was Tina Battaglia, in case she Googles herself these days — had a short, frizzy, coarse mop of brown curls. She was also very cute. But that didn’t matter. The double whammy of that hair and being the new girl got her a lot of teasing. Here’s what I remember, to my shame: I remember wanting to tell her that my mother had the exact same kind of hair and I thought my mother was beautiful. But I didn’t (too shy).
Why am I thinking about Tina today? Because I started to wonder, if she was that same super-curly-girl today, would her parents do anything about it? Like, oh, I don’t know, have it chemically straightened it to the tune of $600 or so? Just wondering.
I’m not wondering idly. A couple of weeks ago, I took James, my first-grader, to a birthday party. We were early to the bowling alley, and the only other partygoer was a little girl with blonde hair. She and James started jumping and dancing around to the pounding music (this is one of those refurbished bowling alleys that wants to be part disco — dark and too loud for this aging mommy). Anyway, to make conversation, I commented to the girl’s mom that she seemed to really enjoy dancing. She was leaping and twirling, swinging her strikingly blonde, thick mane around with obvious delight. I said, “Gosh, she has such gorgeous hair.”
Her mom smirked (really, she smirked), and seemed eager to share this news: “Her hair didn’t use to look like that! She had this frizzy, curly hair and I could not control it. It looked awful! So I got her the Brazilian hair straightening.” I couldn’t respond, but she went on — and I swear she was proud to share this tidbit — “I had to sign a waiver because she’s so young!” On the outside, I smiled and said nothing. Inside, I was sputtering: The chemicals, the money, the time, are you kidding me; she’s in first grade! But all that aside, what the hell kind of message is that to send? “I can’t control your hair, honey, it’s a mess and it looks terrible. Hey, how would you like straight hair?”
Oh. Dear. God.
This girl was very obviously in love with her stick-straight hair, and judging by how thick it looked while straight, I can only imagine what it looked like curly. A lot like Tina Battaglia’s, had she tried to let it grow past her ears. So here’s my question: If you had been Tina’s mom, and Brazilian straightening was available, would you get it for her, if you thought it would make her feel better about herself? Or would you tell her she’s beautiful as she is? What’s wrong with curly hair, anyway? And that little girl, who I watched flipping that shiny hank of straight hair from one shoulder to the other as she danced: did she feel ugly before?
When Tina joined my class, we were already pre-teens. But this girl is 6. Should a six-year-old girl even know anything other than “I am beautiful”? Should that feeling be connected in any way to her hair? Am I being naive? (No really, I want to know — I don’t have girls. Though I do have curly hair.)
You know what else I wanted to do, in that moment? I wanted to go back to my sixth grade classroom and tell Tina the other kids were stupid and mean. And then I wanted to go back even further, to tell my mom — who always said she hated her hair when she was a child — that she was beautiful then, too (as she is now). She used to tell me about torturous sessions with the hairbrush, as her mother (who had thin, straight hair) tried to manage her mop. But when I look at the photos, I see gorgeous auburn ringlets topped with a bow. What could be cuter? Apparently, stick-straight is cuter.
Which to me is almost unbearably sad.
December 10, 2010 @ 4:18 pm
When I was a kid I wanted those thick curly frizzy manes I saw other girls sporting. I have stick straight fine hair, which makes for very hard perming – although my mother tried numerous times throughout my childhood (because she thought curly hair was better too, not that she ever asked me what I thought). I hated my perms more than my ‘do-nothing-with-it’ straight hair. I hated the chemicals, I hated the stinging eyes, I hated the burning scalp, I hated the stinky hair for days afterward and I super hated that she had it layered so I always looked like someone planted a bush on my head…at least until it fell out and then I looked like someone shocked me with my layered straight but now oddly frizzy too hair. Whatever my daughter ends up with I will teach her to love. I think the real challenge is for parents to know how to handle the hair, then the children will feel confident about it too.
December 10, 2010 @ 8:33 pm
Sadly, I think the only thing making this little girl feel ugly or bad about herself was her own mother! Shame on her. And, no, I would not put potential scalp searing chemicals on my young child. There’s a reason she had to sign a waiver.
December 11, 2010 @ 11:43 pm
My 5 year old daughter has curly hair. Not thick hair, it’s actually very fine but she has a ton of it. For a while she desperately wanted the long straight hair that her friends have, and insisted on growing it out. It never grew down, just straight out in all directions and became frizzy and damaged. After about a year and a half, I finally got her to understand that keeping it short kept it healthy, was easier to care for and showed off her curls. And it’s the one thing everyone who meets her comments on, “what beautiful hair!” It took time, but she now knows her hair is unique, and beautiful it its own way. I’m hoping to keep building on that feeling, and help her learn to work with her hair instead of fighting it. I feel like that lesson will bleed over into so many other things in life, it’s a worthwhile lesson to learn.
December 12, 2010 @ 1:13 am
I used to work at a day care centre and a Mum there used to blow dry her daughter’s hair every day. She was not quite two. I thought it was a hideous message to send to this beautiful little girl, and it just looked odd, sat at a completely unnatural angle from her head. Makes me so happy to be the mother of two boys.
Of course I also think that if I had girls I could have countered some of these ridiculous behaviours by raising girls who had confidence in themselves regardless of appearance. I will just have to make sure I raise boys who help girls to get past these absurd beliefs, looks like they are going to meet plenty as they grow up!
December 12, 2010 @ 3:12 am
Wow. Just wow.
My daughter was 6 the year we lived in France, and one of her classmates dyed her hair. I was really sad, as she was a gorgeous child with gorgeous hair, and I thought it looked better au naturel. But the parents weren’t trying to send a message. THeir daughter wanted to try it and they let her. Much healthier than saying, “I can’t control your hair.” For me, I keep the chemicals away from the children, personally.
December 14, 2010 @ 4:31 pm
That is completely wrong. When topic like this come up, I think of two things that address the idea of girls’ confidence being tied in with their looks:
1) This powerful poetry slam:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6wJl37N9C0
2) This amazing book that every woman should read:
http://www.amazon.com/Perfect-Girls-Starving-Daughters-Frightening/dp/0743287967
I’m sure lots of girls can relate to both of them.
I love your blog by the way!
December 14, 2010 @ 5:37 pm
Ashley, thanks! I saw that poetry slam video — it made me tear up. And I’ll have to check out that book. Thanks for weighing in, and I hope you keep reading!
Denise
December 14, 2010 @ 4:52 pm
Yeah, pretty crazy to do that to such a young child. I have Very Curly Hair and hated it as a kid. Growing up watching Marcia and Jan swing their straight shiny manes on the Brady Bunch was torture for me, as was trying to pull off a Farrah Fawcett ‘do or the much-craved wings and feathers. I used to get my hair blown out once in a while as a teen and then could not pull myself away from the mirror. Anyway, this comment is going nowhere…sorry. Suffice it to say that I agree that it’s outrageous for a mom to have her 6 year old’s hair straightened even as I relate to the very mixed blessing of having very curly hair. By some genetic miracle, my daughter has almost-straight hair.
December 14, 2010 @ 5:36 pm
Christina, it occurs to me that this little girl has hair pretty much like yours! And you have beee-ooo-tiful hair, imo!
Denise
December 21, 2010 @ 4:53 pm
Wow, that seems so crazy to me on the one hand but then on the other even as an adult woman sometimes I feel like I’m not up to par because I don’t get my hair highlighted, my nails done and wear heels every day. Maybe I’m naive, but it seems like spending all this time and money on appearance is the standard for everyone no matter what age and there is something wrong with you if you don’t do all this. Why else were shows like What Not To Wear and Extreme Makeover so big a few years ago. I remember when I was a kid my mom got “hussied up” for special occasions. Now it feels like you have to do this just to leave the house.
December 21, 2010 @ 10:31 pm
my mom got “hussied up” for special occasions
Not “gussied” up?
December 26, 2010 @ 3:11 am
I am utterly horrified by this. I cannot believe you know a child that has received this treatment. If you see this woman again, I really hope you consider saying something to her as she might not be aware of what she’s done to her daughter. Not primarily because of the issues you discussed (which by themselves would make this an upsetting situation), but because “Brazilian” hair straightening is rightfully under fire for being a major health hazard for adults (because it is a MAJOR health hazard and should be illegal).
The chemical they use is formaldehyde. This is a carcinogen and nobody has any business using it unless it is absolutely essential to their work, and tightly controlled safety precautions are followed (scientists, morticians, manufacturing). I am a laboratory neuroscientist and make and use solutions of this chemical every week. I had to go through special safety training to do this, as it is considered an especially hazardous material. We have a fume hood (a ventilation device used to isolate fumes from the worker) dedicated only to formaldehyde use, as it is too toxic to risk it contaminating our main fume hood. I have special glassware and instruments for it, as anything that comes in contact with it cannot be used for anything else. I have a dedicated waste container that must be emptied by our hazardous materials crew. I must wear a lab coat, gloves, and safety goggles and cannot even bend down near the fume hood, lest I allow the vapors to come near my eyes as it can damage the retinas even at the 4% concentration that I use. Some of these hair treatments have been found to contain as much as 12% formaldehyde and are a horrible risk to the clients and to the stylists who administer them, even if they wear gas masks. A freaking flat iron? It’s flammable!
Please see this wikipedia article:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brazilian_hair_straightening
and the material safety data sheet (MSDS):
http://www.sigmaaldrich.com/catalog/DisplayMSDSContent.do
I use it to preserve brain tissue, and it’s what makes an embalmed body hard. It straightens hair by the same chemical mechanism that preserves (“fixes”) other biological tissues; that’s why it works so well. If you saw what it does when you put it through the veins of an animal you would understand my outrage. This makes me sick.
December 26, 2010 @ 3:14 am
By the way, I enjoy your blog, and I didn’t make it clear that I intend no criticism of you in my previous comment.
February 24, 2018 @ 3:38 am
8 yes later and still this is a problem. My 6 yr old girl has the most beautiful fro of corkscrew, light brown, golden tipped curls. She is complimented constantly. Yet, she still prefers her hard straight. I believe it is about fitting into the world around her. She already knows what the standards of beauty are and that she needs to flip her hair to look beautiful. It doesn’t matter that she has lucious golden hair to flop around. It is just sad. It is societal. I understand the mom who straightened her daughter’s hair in my culture we do it all the time.