The Power of No
I already packed one of these. So it's a "no" on buying lunch today.
Who’s afraid of saying “no” to their children?
Just this morning, literally five minutes after watching me pack his and his brother’s lunchboxes for school, my seven-year-old asked me, “Can I buy lunch today?”
Now, I could have looked at him, and realized in that split second that saying “No, honey, not today, Mommy already packed your lunch and you bought lunch yesterday” would elicit a moan and a whine and simply given in (the lunch in the box would keep until later; I could eat his turkey sandwich and he could have the grapes and the yogurt for an after-school snack).
But I’m not afraid of “no.”
In this case, the “no” came with some lessons. First of all, I’d already packed the lunch, and he needs to understand that my efforts and time have worth that he should respect. Second of all, school lunch, while not expensive (it just went up to $1.75 in his school, in fact) isn’t free, and as I’ve tried and will continue to try to get across to him, my wallet is not a magic dollar dispenser. Third of all, I have fresh and perfectly good food in the house, so I’m not going to buy lunch when I have already-paid-for food right here at home.
These are not always easy lessons for a second-grader, but they are no less valuable ones for him to take on.
But I think that the most valuable lesson of all is this:
I can (and will) say no; he can (and will) grumble about it; and he can (and always does) get over the temporary disappointment of the no.
That last part is what is often overlooked — the temporary disappointment. We’re afraid of meting out dispappoinments, of being the heavy, of saying no kindly, matter-of-fact-ly, and — here’s the kicker — without apology.
Perhaps counter-intutively, the holiday season is the perfect time to practice your “no.” When easy yeses are everywhere, try it out. No, honey. Not today. Not this week. Not this year.
No sounds awfully tough, but it’s actually one of the most tender things we can give our kids.
The lessons are valuable, they last — and (surprise!) they make the “yeses” so much sweeter.
(Oh, and by the way? Chapter 6 of my book, Mean Moms Rule, is all about the “no.”! May I humbly suggest you preorder your copy now?)
Try it!
[photo: Everystockphoto.com]
December 15, 2011 @ 10:33 am
Right on! Saying “no” is important! Kids need to develop that “muscle” that allows them to bounce back after disappointment. When parents do everything or give everything to their kids because they’re afraid to say no, they’re not helping. When their kids grow up and disappointments are inevitable, these kids don’t know how to deal with it well.
December 16, 2011 @ 9:47 am
Denise- may I add that your packed lunch is much healthier than the school lunch. Another great reason to say “no” and show how much you care. I’m sure you didn’t batter anything in preservatives or count pizza as a vegetable. From one mean mommy to another–Jackie
December 16, 2011 @ 11:31 am
Jackie,
for sure my packed lunch is healthier! That’s one of the reasons I allow lunch-buying once or maybe twice a week. I compromise — since the vast majority of the time their meals are healthy — and I require that they get milk (rather than fruit punch!) and a fruit, which they always do. Not crazy about the nachos, though… 😉
Denise
December 16, 2011 @ 10:11 am
I don’t usually have a problem with saying “no,” but yesterday I made my kids miss a birthday party they were looking forward to because their behavior was awful and despite several chances, they didn’t shape up. Saying no, they couldn’t go to the party felt awful — for them and for me. I felt like I was disappointing the birthday boy and the other mom, and I was embarrassed to have to call and cancel. But I stuck to my guns, and I think it made an impression, on my 5yo at least.
December 16, 2011 @ 11:30 am
Abby, wow, you are both brave and smart to follow through on your threat. How many of us say things like, “if you don’t shape up, we are NOT going to…[wherever]”, and then don’t follow through. For sure they’ll remember.
Denise
December 22, 2011 @ 10:56 am
We are definitely “No” parents and we don’t make a threat we don’t follow through with. We backed out of a birthday party over bad behavior – once. We even left a vacation early over bad behavior (it was a driving one, not flying – and we checked at the front desk first to make sure we didn’t lose any money by checking out 2 days early). We remind them of that vacation whenever they start slipping – they know we will go through with it.
This has all worked great with our boys who are now 7 and 5, but I’m worried it will be more challenging with our girls who are 3 and 19mo. I’m finding that the 3yo is much better at utilizing whining, tears, and high pitched screams that make it REALLY hard to stick with No. The other morning my husband (SAHD) had her sitting at the kitchen table for 2 hours in a standoff over adding more milk to her cereal bowl (she wanted it, he said no, since he feared it would end up wasted.) He told her if she ate what she was given, he would then give her more. She did eventually eat what she was served, but wow. I have to give him the patience award!