The Hardest Part of Being a Mean Mom? I’d Have to Say the Repetition (And Then I’d Have to Say it Again!)
My kids don’t think I’m mean!
And yet, I am — at least, by my definition, which is that this whole long-haul-parenting gig is hard, in large part because it’s so darned repetitive. You don’t get to say things one time. If you believe it, you have to stick to it. Like exercise: Just once, and you’re simply sore. Not at all, and you’re just flabby. But to be firm? It’s over, and over. And over and over. And over.
But back to the kids: The other night, I read from Mean Moms Rule and signed copies for 60 to 65 (at my husband’s enthusiastic count) attendees at an event at a local indie bookstore, the Book Revue. Here’s a picture taken during the Q&A portion, when the boys migrated over to stand near me (to make sure I didn’t say anything embarrassing? To pull on the back of my skirt in a distracting way? Both?):
One lighthearted question, right at the end, was this: Do your sons think you’re mean?
And I hesitated just long enough for my younger boy, James, to pipe up: No!
Everyone laughed, and then I retired to a table to sign copies.
I bring this up because what I think I can take away from James’ answer is this: He gets it. Well, maybe-kinda-sorta. He gets (as does his brother) what I mean by, well, mean. I’m not grrrrr mean, I’m Mean-Mom mean. And that’s just the way it is.
But a good part of “the way it is” involves seemingly endless repetition of the same rules and reminders over and over again. Each time — or maybe every other time — I wonder: Is this too much? Do they really have to clear their plates tonight when it would be easier for me to do it? Do I want to send him back to his room to finish his half-assed version of fixing the bed? So what if he hasn’t yet written a thank-you to the generous neighbors who always give them a surprise late holiday gift?
And I usually decide it is worth it. It definitely renders me Madam Repeat-Yourself, but so be it. I guess that’s the small-picture part of being mean.
Yesterday, thanks to a day off for Martin Luther King Day and the fact that their dad worked late, it was just me and the boys, all day. Which gave me loads of time to take note of how often I say, well, the same thing, over and over. Oh, how I wish I could transmit this stuff in some sort of stickier way in their brains and hearts. But this is the best approach I’ve got in my arsenal. So I’mma gonna keep at stuff like this:
1. Sit up while you eat.
2. This is a fork. This is the part you hold it with, and this end stabs the food. Try.
3. Did you fix your bed? Go back and fix your bed. For real.
4. Take away your plate. Take away your plate. Take away … yes, and the cup.
5. Take off your shoes, empty your backpack, wash your hands (this is like a mantra repeated in a cluster in the 10 minutes after they burst through the door on school days).
6. Go say goodbye and thank you to your grandparents/cousins/aunt and uncle.
7. No more screens! Yes, now.
8. Lower your voice, tie your shoes, zip your bag, bring home your hat (and if you forgot? You check in the lost-and-found).
9. You ask the teacher/the librarian/the waiter.
10. Yep, it’s true: The dishwasher needs emptying again!
11. Shut the lights when you leave the room. And that other room.
12. [After I hear the toilet flush] Wash your hands! Yes for “just pee,” too.
13. Hang up your towel.
14. Piano. [This only needs the one word]
10. Lights out. Lights out. Lights out.
What puts you on repeat?
January 23, 2013 @ 2:12 pm
So I used to repeat myself a lot! Once when my oldest daughter was only 3 I ask her to move her sandals from the back door to the front door. “Mom, they’re not my sandals they’re my freakin’ shoes!”
Ok so mother of the year I’m not.
January 23, 2013 @ 2:39 pm
So happy to read that I’m not the only one on repeat AND for the same things! I do have to say my 12. is more like this – wash your hands…(I did) do it again with soap AND water. Also, brush your teeth…(I did!)…ok, this time with toothpaste!
January 23, 2013 @ 2:57 pm
I LOVE YOU! Guess what… many, MANY parents, grandparents and friends, ask me “WOW! Your kids are SO well behaved! How do you do it?!” And I just smile and say “Because I (and my husband) are a BRICK WALL.” Nothing gets through us.
I feel mean too, so I was really glad to read this. It’s gotten easier as my littlest one has stopped putting everything in her mouth (mine are 8, 7, 7, and almost 5), but it’s true… HAVING MANNERS is not in our blood. It has to be taught.
Recently, my brother came to visit with his daughter… she is 7. This was Thanksgiving. She immediately started wolfing down her food when it hit her plate and she stabbed a huge piece of turkey with her fork and GNAWED on it, just like that. My kids were GAPING at her, as they waited for everyone to be served. It was the weirdest moment. Then my brother “ahemed” (after my son asked if he could start and I said “no honey we wait for everyone to be served”) and my sister-in-law cut her food for her. “She’s ONLY 7. heh-heh” She said.
I don’t mean to brag, but my kids can cut their food by themselves and have been since they were 4. European-style… with the fork in the left hand.
I think it isn’t about “bad parenting”… it’s about what is “easier” for the parents. My hubs and I decided that early and lots of consistent training would actually make our LIVES EASIER later… as in no 30 year olds living in our house, expecting us to support them.
So, I don’t think that makes us mean… I think that makes us SMART!
January 24, 2013 @ 10:46 am
Thanks Elizabeth! I’ll take all the love I can get. It IS hard to be mean. You know, I’m 46 years old and I still can hear my mother’s voice in my head, as I open the door of any house, “take off your shoes!”
Denise
February 3, 2013 @ 10:53 am
You know, there are adults who don’t observe the “wait for everyone to be served” rule. As a kid, you have an excuse: your parents didn’t teach you. But as an adult, you have no excuse. You’re plain rude.
To add to that: my husband’s father, at a restaurant one night, sorted through the bread basket, picking up and rejecting bread until he found the slice he wanted. I watched in amazement. And didn’t eat any bread.
January 23, 2013 @ 3:25 pm
1. No football in the house. Take it outside or put it away.
2. Stop bothering the cat. He will bite you and I won’t feel sorry for you.
3. Push your chair in please. Come back here and push your chair in please.
4. Dishes on the counter and not in the dishwasher do not count as clearing your place.
5. Lets review the criteria for interrupting mom on the phone. Unless the house is on fire, someone is bleeding, someone has broken bones with the bones sticking out of the skin (regular broken bones do not count), the toilet is overflowing or the cat is vomiting on the couch, you need to wait until I am off the phone.
6. Please. Thank you. Have a good day.
7. “Ewwwwwww! I hate this!” Is not an appropriate response to dinner. You may say, “No thanks, I don’t care for that.” Anything else will see you removed from the table.
8. No bathroom talk unless you are actually in the bathroom.
January 23, 2013 @ 3:34 pm
Kayris, I LOVE #5!
January 23, 2013 @ 3:33 pm
Turn off the tv/computer/phone. Get dressed. Put your plate/glass in the kitchen. Pick up your things. Put your pajamas on your bed. It seems to be my 12 year old son more than my 15 year old daughter. Many days I feel I say it ALL DAY LONG. And I hate it.
January 23, 2013 @ 4:01 pm
Why is it the things you say to your sons sound like so many of the things I say to my husband…
January 23, 2013 @ 8:56 pm
I haven’t read your book yet, although I have mentioned it to others on multiple occasions. From what I’ve read on your blog, you and I have very similar parenting philosophies. On the topic of repetition, I attended a conference session on Habit Formation last summer that touched on this. The speaker, Sonya Shafer, was saying that when the parent repeats the direction every time (“Put your shoes by the door.”), the child’s brain is not having to engage in thinking about the situation. Instead, she suggested to gradually make your reminder less and less specific, so the child is having to think about what it is they need to do. (“Come see what you forgot to do.” Eventually, just get the child’s attention and with a little grin, directly look at the shoes, without saying a word.) I thought it was really great stuff!
January 24, 2013 @ 10:48 am
So interesting, Jenny, thanks for sharing. Even as I repeat these things over and over, I often think, “there has to be a better way…” I’ve tried something similar (“what did you forget…?”), and should do it more. Certainly, it makes me sound more sane!
Denise
January 24, 2013 @ 3:18 am
Do you have your clarinet/tap shoes/jersey? (to big sis)
Stop picking your nose! (to ill bro)
January 24, 2013 @ 7:33 am
When I was a teacher, I used to say I wished my students came with a USB port so I could just put my syllabus, class policies, and all those little reminders right in their brains. I thought it was SO hard getting 17 year olds to do what they were supposed to do. Now I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and I laugh at my former self for getting frustrated at having to repeat something once or twice. It gives me hope, though, that one day they’ll get it.
Mine are:
1) Put on your socks and shoes
2) Instead of grabbing something from your brother, ask him to give it to you
3) Don’t throw your food to the dog (to the one year old, at every stinkin’ meal)
4) If you aren’t at the back door ready to go by the time I finish x, I’m leaving you here with the dog
5) Please wait till it’s your turn to speak
6) Please lower your voice
Thanks for this article.
January 24, 2013 @ 10:13 am
My boys are 17 and 14 and I STILL repeat everything. Two biggies? “Put your dish in the dishwasher.” and “Rinse the empty milk carton and put it in the recycling bin.” But I’m an optimist–I have hope that next time they’ll do it without being told!
January 24, 2013 @ 11:59 am
1. Where are your hat and gloves?
2. Wash your hands. Yes, with soap.
3. You have to clean up your room before you come downstairs. Try again. Try again.
4. Mouth closed when there is food in it.
5. Elbows off the table.
6. I am not helping you with your homework until you have tried every question at least once. (Every ten seconds I say this. What I am going to forget since the last time?)
7. Stay out of the kitchen while I am cooking.
8. No.
9. The house is not a jungle gym.
10. No screens.
11. Go pee before dinner/going out.
12. Stop touching your penis.
13. Flush the toilet.
14. Take it down a notch. (Translate: be quieter or less hyper.)
15. Get your hands out of your mouth.
16. Stop sniffling and blow your nose.
17. On the phone.
18. Set out your clothes.
I feel better knowing I am not the only one who is constantly repeating myself. It’s driving me nuts! (But they get away with nothing.)
January 26, 2013 @ 11:53 am
With my three year old, I make sure he knows the routine, even if that means reminding him what to do next, e.g. okay now let’s put your dish in the sink, let’s go wash hands, etc. I still try to say it respectfully and doing so hasn’t caused me any problems or defiance. And yes, people say our little boy is very well behaved (most of the time!).
January 28, 2013 @ 10:19 am
Ha! This morning after saying “Get your coat on! Tie your shoes! Zip your coat! Yes, it’s 32 degrees out! Your bag! Your bag!” for the zillionth time dropping the 6 yo off at school, I drove away joking to myself that I’m going to have to start saying “Ok, now step with the right foot, now the left, now the right again…”
January 28, 2013 @ 6:57 pm
Oh I think I will print this and paste it to my arm! lol I am constantly thinking I am going nuts after having to repeat things to my girls ALL THE TIME! It’s actually quite discouraged me lately to the point I’ve felt like a really bad mom.
Thank you for this … I will remember I’m not the only one … my kids aren’t the only ones (they are always well behaved when we are out so I must be doing something right!) … and I will continue to try and remember my patience … if not for them, then for myself!
January 29, 2013 @ 4:26 pm
Oh boy. I just read your article and am going to get your book. My daughter is 5. Yesterday we did the litany of:
1. take off your shoes
2. unpack your backpack
3. put your lunchbox on the counter and
4. wash your hands
and out came, “Why do i have to do EVERYTHING?!?”
So i started to list out all the things i had to do and stopped and told her there were more but she’d wouldn’t want to hear all of them. We have work to do. And it will be good for her. I’m adding clearing the table tonight.
Lastly, i love the comment from Jenny with Sonya Shafer’s suggestion to “gradually make your reminder less and less specific”. Brilliant!
February 5, 2013 @ 9:57 am
I am not sure whether I like what I am reading… On one hand, I feel a great relief and sense of solidarity that I am not the only one getting tired of hearing myself repeat the same rules over & over and mine is not the only child requiring such repetition… On the other hand, my daughter is – I think – considerably younger than your boys (she’s four)… Do you mean to tell me I will still be reminding her of these same things for years to come??? Ay, ay, ay… I’d better go rest my vocal cords!
February 5, 2013 @ 11:44 am
I think this song (The Mom Song) captures it all- if you have not seen it yet, it is definitely worth a look!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GE6EkAvV4-Y