Mean Mom Question Time: When Do You Tell Your Kids What Gay Means?
The story about the young man at Rutgers University who, after he found that a video of him having sex with a male partner had been live-streamed on the Internet, committed suicide, has me heartsick. I’m sick for him, for his family, for all the other teens unsure of how they fit in a world that still, still can’t deal with the fact that we’re all born different. I’m also sick for my own children, who are coming up in a world where being a homosexual puts you in a second-class category, shunts you aside, tells you you’re at best someone to be tolerated (or laughed at/with on a sitcom, a la Will & Grace); at middling someone to deny basic human and civil rights to; at worst someone to be bullied, beaten, driven to suicide.
Here are a few things I’ve been thinking about lately:
- My older son, in third grade, just did a unit in health on bullying prevention. Being that they are now all sophisticated third graders, they’re being asked not simply to parrot a line back to the teachers: “Don’t be a bully!” It’s no longer enough to give kids strategies to deal with a bully in their own life (walk away, tell a teacher). Now, they’re being told to Take a Stand. The example my son brought home, in his barely-legible notes (Jesus, they take notes already, in three-subject spiral-bound notebooks!), was something like, what if you see a bigger kid push a smaller kid away from some playground equipment? You’re supposed to Take a Stand. Tell the bully to stop. Defend the younger kid. Empathize with the victim, and make clear to the perpetrator (yes, they use the word “perpetrator”) that bullying is not cool.
So my question is, in light of the Rutgers story and others like it, what do I tell my nearly 8-year-old about the kind of bullying that doesn’t involve use of the monkey bars, but is personal? What do I tell him about kids not a lot older than he is who are bullied for their sexuality? Do I explain gay to him? Is it, like sex ed, one of those subjects for which you dole out information as they ask, in a level they can grasp? I’m asking because I honestly don’t know.
- The second thing I was thinking about involves a cute-kid story. My younger boy has been sad since first grade started that his best friend from kindergarten (“the best person in the whole wide world,” so I’m told), Connor, is not in his class anymore. Not long ago, he said that he was never going to get married. The reason, he informed me, was that “boys can’t marry other boys, and until I can marry Connor, I won’t get married.”
So my question is a version of the one I posed above: Do I tell a nearly-six-year-old that, in fact, in some states, he can marry Connor? That his mom and dad hope like hell that our own state gets on board with what’s right (with what’s inevitable) and lets gay men and women enjoy (some will debate the “enjoy,” but whatever) the right to marry legally?
It’s what I want to tell him, truthfully, but I have no idea how.
Those of you of a certain age may remember the TV show Soap, which aired from 1977-1981 (when I was age 11-15). I have not seen an episode since it was on TV (back when we had rabbit ears on the set and an antenna on the roof), but I’ll bet my lunch that what was shocking and racy and after-family-hour back then will probably read as unbearably quaint and wink-wink now. On Soap, Billy Crystal played Jodie Dallas, who came out as gay one (shocking!) evening. And as luck would have it, that episode aired on a night my parents, in an unprecendented move, allowed my sister and me to watch our favorite, illicit show on our own. Picture tween-age me, bounding down the stairs and saying, “Dad, what is ‘gay’?”
He stumbled and bumbled out an answer.
I don’t want to stumble or bumble, or nudge and wink and sigh. Listen, all of us enlightened modern parents will say flat out that bullying a gay kid (or harrassing gay adults, for that matter), is wrong. But what about making jokes at the dinner table? Isn’t that tacit persmission, from some parents who’d rather not address the matter with their kids (because their own feelings are unresolved or even ugly) for kids to tease or bully?
An article in yesterday’s New York Times tells more heartbreaking stories of gay teens — 13, 15 — killing themselves after relentless teasing and bullying. Listen, kids don’t get the message that it’s okay (on some level, overt or not) to treat different kids badly from nowhere, you know? I look around my kids’ classrooms and see the little faces pressed against the bus windows and think, surely some of them are gay. What if on the sixth-grade bus, my son witnesses a homosexual classmate being bullied? Will he Take a Stand? Will he understand?
So I’m asking. What should I do? What should we all do?
October 4, 2010 @ 12:05 pm
I’m dealing with the same question. Well actually not when, but how. My 6 year old son came to me a couple of weeks ago and asked me what gay meant. I asked him why, and some kids at his daycare were saying it, who arent much older than he is. I honestly didnt know what to say. I just told him it wasnt a bad word, but it was an adult word. And that its not nice to just go around calling people that. I told him it was when two men or two women loved each other and to put it in his terms, went on “love dates”. I dont think I explained it well, and I dont want him to think its a bad word, because I have several gay friends, men and women, whom I’m close to. Gah, why should I have to be even explaining this to a six year old?? What else do I say??
October 4, 2010 @ 12:21 pm
Thankfully, kids in my area are coming around… a few of them… my 5 year old explained to his friend at his own birthday party that boys could marry boys because you love who you love. He went on to say most boys love girls but some are different and love boys. And really, there was no judgement there. That’s because they have spent time with a loving married gay couple and enjoyed their company. Another boy piped up that yes, his uncle married a boy. How nice those two boys were able to share that about their families at 5 years old and think it was a normal thing– not shameful. Tell your kids– you love who you love, and most people don’t marry a same sex partner, but sometimes that’s the way God makes people. You can also say that’s what our family believes, but sadly not everyone agrees. But we as a family stand up for people and let them be true to themselves and don’t ask them to love people they just don’t. It’s a great conversation to have, and you don’t have to get into sex. Maybe generally with the older one, but you will find great acceptance is my gut feeling. Good luck, and know that some of the kids are really coming along!
October 4, 2010 @ 1:37 pm
Lisa,
I LOVE that story. My older boy did have a friendship with a little girl with two gay mothers, but he was so young he hardly remembers. Exposure to what, ultimately, kids should see as just another form of normal is the key. Thanks for your comment,
Denise
October 4, 2010 @ 12:28 pm
What should we do? TAKE A STAND! Take a stand at home, at work, in church (especially!), in school and at the polls! Teach our children what it sounds like they’re getting at least in your son’s school, to take a stand for what’s right. As parents we must set a good example. Make sure our kids know that discrimination is not acceptable from anyone in any form. We were taught the timeless lesson that it’s not ok to treat someone poorly because they’re different. Too bad some of our politicians weren’t taught that lesson. We have to quit allowing their stupidity to rule our world.
October 4, 2010 @ 12:38 pm
My son is still pretty young, but I’m a firm believe in leading by example. My parents never had a sit down with me about accepting other people, although once I made a joke about the word Thai rhyming with Tie (as in to tie your shoes) and my dad came down hard..which told me right then that there was some sort of line and I had crossed it, but they also never treated anyone as “less than” if they were different so neither did I. I think that teaching kids to stand up for or protect other kids who are being bullied is great. If you see someone who needs help, help them. If you are too afraid to do it alone, find an adult who can help them. And as far as the whole “what is gay” question goes..you could tell him that the word carries multiple meanings. The one used often in Europe: to be happy and the one used most often here: to love someone of the same gender. It is a word that at the root has a positive meaning in both cases. Happiness and love. There’s no point in going into all of the heavier stuff until the kids are old enough to ask those questions. That’s when we get into the whole “well, some people think…” dilemmas.
October 4, 2010 @ 1:36 pm
Audrey,
Yes, I think it’s the “well, some people think…” questions that will be most thorny, because these attitudes and the fallout from them persist. Thanks for your comment!
Denise
October 4, 2010 @ 1:31 pm
I decided to take a more proactive tactic with my own two (ages 6 and 5). As soon as they started asking about sex, I explained both hetero and homosexual interactions. It felt a little uncomfortable to me, to be honest, but they didn’t seem to have any different reaction to homosexuality than heterosexuality. I’ve put a lot of effort overall into raising my kids to look at differences like race and sexuality as nothing worth noting, and they really seem to have taken it to heart. As Lisa mentioned, love is love.
So, I guess my advice is to treat it like it’s no big thing, just another difference between people along the same lines as hair color and preferences in toys and clothing. If we teach them that there’s more than one normal, then they carry that with them — and even pass along that sense of normal to their peers.
October 4, 2010 @ 1:34 pm
Char,
thanks for your comment. That’s a great way of looking at it. That’s been our approach with all other differences (race, class, religion…) and my boys do have a no-big-deal attitude. Neither has asked about sexuality (just, so far, about childbirth!), but your approach is exactly the note I’d like to hit. Thank you again, and keep reading,
Denise
October 4, 2010 @ 1:44 pm
I”m with Char – the more “normal” you make it in conversation the better. We had the first convo with my older ones when they were in third grade. My son had a boy with two mommies in his class, so he asked about that and I explained that some women love men, and some women love women. And some men love men. He asked if the two mommies were married and I said I didn’t know because it wasn’t yet legal in our state for two women to marry, but they may have gone to another state to get married I wasn’t sure. But that no matter what the law said, the two women are married in their hearts.
Unfortunately I still hear my daughter saying things like, “That’s so gay.” I ask her what that means to her and she says, “You know what it means.” I try to tell her that there is nothing wrong with being gay, and that I don’t like to hear the word being used with a negative connotation. It’s a constant struggle though.
October 4, 2010 @ 2:29 pm
Great post Denise and great comments. I especially love Lisa’s story. I think I will use that same language to explain to my kids – so simple, so non-judgmental, so matter-of-fact. My kids haven’t asked yet, but I suspect my older one will soon. We know a family with two moms, so that might help. What I can take from all these comments is that it doesn’t have to be an uncomfortable conversation about sex, but rather a natural one about love and tolerance.
October 4, 2010 @ 2:51 pm
Frankly, I don’t quite understand your question. My three little sons grow up as members of a community and, as all children, they have close contact with immediate friends and, of course, family. Among our friends they experience all sorts of love relationships and I can assure you THEY don’t even SEE a difference between these relationships. It’s our still biased and narrow-minded society (I live in Austria, btw, so it’s not quite “our” society, is it? ;-)) that creates these differences. So we teach them about love. And if they come across a term like “gay” or “lesbian”, we simply explain it to them. The important thing is that they never start making these horrible differences between people, these deadly binary oppositions (black-white, straight-gay, young-old) but that they continue to see the person and nothing else. And when it comes to taking a stand, well, let’s hope that they give a truly natural response …
October 4, 2010 @ 2:54 pm
Thanks, Bee. You’re right — if kids see, from very young ages, various differences and no distinctions are drawn between them by us, their parents, and other close adults, that serves them much better than the uncomfortable silence I got growing up. It’s the taking-a-stand thing that I want to ponder more deeply. I want my boys to be the type who speak up when they see injustice.
Denise
October 4, 2010 @ 4:10 pm
Thanks for the post, Denise. Thought provoking as usual.
October 4, 2010 @ 4:21 pm
I’m not sure why this is an issue. Okay, so we belong to a church with a Lesbian rector, and I know that that’s not particularly common. But, I also have a gay uncle, we have gay friends, my kid has classmates who have gay parents. Do other people really lead lives where they don’t know gay people? Where they can’t say, “You know, like Bonnie and Susan” or “you know, like Gary and Scott”?
We have had to had talks about “that’s so gay”, though. And then, my son was under the impression that it was a bad word and started referring to it as “the G word”. Alas. (He also, as a preschooler, was playing with his astronaut set and had John Glenn and Neil Armstrong as a married couple living in space with their space kids.)
October 4, 2010 @ 4:27 pm
We used the same, matter-of-fact approach that Leslie did: when the kids started asking about love and marriage and what not, we just told them that some men love men, some men love women, some women love men and some women love women. Their response? “Oh, OK.”
Leah
October 6, 2010 @ 10:25 pm
I second Leah Ingram’s response – it’s exactly the type of thing I’d tell my young child. Unless they are already asking specific questions about sex, you can leave the more in-depth explanations for when they are a little older. Just don’t cheapen the lesson by making it all about sex.
October 7, 2010 @ 8:54 pm
Yes, in my experience the kids pick up their cues from their parents. If the parents are uncomfortable discussing a topic then the kids will be too. If the parents treat a topic as straightforward and real, then kids do too. I think this holds true whether it’s discussing sex, money, death or kids popularity. Great thought provoking post!
October 10, 2010 @ 12:15 pm
If you act like it is a big deal, then kids will notice. It’s NOT a big deal. “Some boys like girls, some boys like boys. That’s just how nature is.” I see no reason to make a big to-do about it.
And I agree with Mel: It’s not about SEX, at all. It’s about LOVE. Kids understand love.
October 12, 2010 @ 3:08 pm
Hi MeanMommy,
I agree with you although I think there’s a way to give kids the message in a straightforward and SHORT explanation.
There is a thing such as TMI when it comes to young kids.
Keep it up though Mean Mommy dealing with such real and important issues.
November 10, 2010 @ 1:58 am
i believe that ignoring your children’s questions because they make you uncomfortable is a cause of ignorance in society, when they don’t get an answer from you they will find the answer from somewhere else and you might not like the answer that they get