Confessions of an Impatient Mother
First day of school, last year. I can't help being organized, but I fear it triggers an excess of impatience.
Well, the title says it, eh? I’m confessing: I’m horribly impatient. (Those of you who know me are, I realize, sitting there rolling your eyes, like, duh.)
I want to be started with things, and then I want things done. When I wanted to become pregnant, I wanted it to happen pronto, and quickly became frustrated and upset when it took longer than immediately (6 months, for the record). I was sure we’d never find a house we liked and could afford (it took 3 months, for the record, though the closing process dragged for another 5 months until moving day because the house we chose, or that chose us, was owned by a guy whose finances were, let’s say, questionable). My husband likes to chide me for this sort of “we’ll never….” impatience, and in general he’s a very patient man (he’d have to be, with me, right?).
But there’s one way in which he’s not so patient, and because it’s the same with me, I worry. We are both impatient with our sons. Not cruelly so, but there are times I feel like we’re both hurrying them along, prodding them, and sighing impatiently when they dawdle or disregard us or otherwise act like, you know, distracted little boys.
True, both of our children know every single button there is and seem to delight in pushing them, over and over, to the point where even the spawn of Gandhi would be stomping around in parental looniness. But I’m finding I don’t enjoy being Mama Looney, and I don’t like seeing my impatient tendencies on display in my normally calm husband’s demeanor.
True, we’re both tired often, and busy all the time. True, too, that when you strive to raise boys who are capable and responsible, you feel (as we do) that slacking off isn’t the best approach. And true, most of all, that I’m constitutionally unable to be loosey-goosey. There are things I can’t compromise on, at least not easily. I’m too organized to be lax, and sometimes that feels like a big burden to carry around.
For example, I can’t just say, “oh, whatever” on certain rules or habits that pertain to sleep and eating (mostly because good sleep and decent meals are, I’m 100% sure, keep my boys healthy and not beyond-the-bounds-of-reason nuts). If there’s a birthday party that starts at noon, I know that food won’t be served until 2pm (I’ve been to enough kid parties to have this fact firmly in mind), so I make sure they eat a little something before they go. Case in point: at a recent amusement-park party with James, he seemed to be the only one who had eaten first. Meanwhile, a friend of his fainted from heat and hunger.
For another example, I can’t just stick a cold piece of toast in my kids’ hands and drive them to school because we were so lackadaisical that we missed the bus. We never miss the bus. I don’t get missing the bus. So I prod them to get up on time, prod them to finish their breakfast (which I also can’t compromise on; there’s a girl at Daniel’s bus stop who has a cookie and a glass of milk for breakfast, which would never fly at our house), prod them to go upstairs at the precise time they need to be upstairs so they have enough minutes to get their dawdling version of tooth-brushing and dressing done), prod them to get their backpacks sorted out. I don’t enjoy the prodding — but I can no more stop it than I can switch eye colors or the genetic lottery of my mom’s bad feet and my dad’s problematic skin.
So I’m impatient. But I’m looking, I’m keenly searching, for ways and times I can be less so, times I can deliberately let the guard down so my kids can see a more carefree mother in front of them. I can’t stop being organized or thinking four steps ahead, and we still won’t miss the bus, be late for piano lessons, or not have clean underwear on hand.
But there have to be ways to let down my guard. Right? Help me out here!
June 6, 2011 @ 1:19 pm
I am absolutely no help, mostly because I am you. Or your doppelganger or something. Totally could’ve written this post, except that my kid doesn’t take the school bus. Sometimes I’m embarrassed at how on top of things I am.
June 6, 2011 @ 2:40 pm
Ha, Debbie, that’s funny, sister! I guess people like us have to find other ways to ease up on the impatience, because letting the schedule go all to heck in a handbasket just isn’t happening. (I was also one of those moms who couldn’t “nap when the baby naps!” As if.)
Denise
June 7, 2011 @ 9:06 am
Are you my long lost twin sister? Seriously?!
What forced me to change a little is having two more kids
My boys are 5 and nearly 7 and I have the same exact prodding problems and looney moments. But I also now have two girls who are 2.5 and 13mo who now consume a lot of my energy. I’m still that uber organized loon but I have to spread it out over the four. Mine still get a healthy breakfast every.single.day and are on time for school, do their homework, are in bed on time, etc. But they have been forced to do this more on their own. They have to. Do I lose my cool a lot? Definitely!! So I’m still looking for ways to improve. I get a lot of comments now that I have amazing patience… and I never considered myself a patient person.
Also I do know in my heart that we are doing the right thing and that it is HARDER. It would be easier to do “cookies and milk at the bus stop” type things but I honestly think there is a price for that in the long term.
June 7, 2011 @ 3:29 pm
I dunno, D, I’m a control freak too, but I didn’t like what my constant nagging and prodding was doing to my relationship with my kids. I mean, they were just hearing me say stuff ALL THE TIME. I wouldn’t want to listen to me! So I’m trying to be a little more flexible on the less important things. They’re almost 15 and 11, and are pretty independent about getting themselves ready and out the door to school (ok, maybe not Jules-she needs some reminding) so maybe all the structure in the earlier years built the foundation for that. They both also do their homework and school stuff without me having to tell them to, so that’s good. But I’ve lightened up about trying to get Julia into bed at precisely the right time, because sometimes that extra time together in the evening is more important than making her go to bed. Not every night, of course, but sometimes. I think flexibility on my part is key, so my kids, and my husband, don’t just see a ranting lunatic all the time. And I used to be like that…
June 7, 2011 @ 5:16 pm
OMG – have I written this post? Sometimes I feel that my boys only get me at my worst – never at my best. My husband and I keep discussing this and the only solution that seems to work for us is family time. On some special afternoons, weekends and during vacation we let go. We really let got (which, as you might know, is very difficult). We sleep in, spend whole winter days in our PJs, have croissants for breakfast, go to the theatre together, by the odd toy they don’t really need, let them go to bed late… and make sure that we’re fun to be with. Sounds desperate, I know, but, as I said, I can very much relate to the dilemma you’re describing here. Bee
June 8, 2011 @ 10:07 pm
Hmm. I can be impatient (just ask my kids!), but I’ve def. learned to let things go. In my world, it’s a survival mechanism. And, I guess, partly a result of me learning to let go of some of my perfectionistic thinking. Like you, I want my kids to eat healthy foods and get enough sleep. But I have SO relaxed on those things! Let’s say, for instance, that we had a treat for a snack at home – say yesterday, when I bought root beer float supplies to celebrate the boys’ last day of class. And then Grandma pops in later in the day with donuts. No kid needs root beer floats and donuts in the same day — but it’s not going to harm my kids in any kind of permanent way to let them indulge. Plus, it builds relationships with Grandma (more imp. in that moment to me than the food).
Same thing with sleep. I used to be much more of a stickler on that. But then I realized that no permanent harm or damage will come of them staying up late at Dad’s softball game. Sure, they’ll be tired and somewhat cranky the next day. But they’ll also have magical memories of playing tag with other kids into the night while their dads play ball under the spotlights.
June 10, 2011 @ 12:00 am
I think it’s important to remember that your kids are still little, and that the habits you’re helping them develop now will serve you all well in the future. To help you not feel like such a tyrant, use your organization skills to set aside time as often as you can where you can just be truly present for your kids at their level. A time where there’s nothing driving you to push or prod. If you can bank some of that time, the other may not feel so bad. I’m like you and had to be especially vigilant with my oldest. My kids are 12, 10 and 7 now and we have a great time together, mostly because they finally, usually, understand to do what I ask when I ask it. I still work on being truly present for each of them.
June 10, 2011 @ 11:03 am
Thank you for this post and all the comments. I’ve been struggling with the same thing lately. Every morning it’s constant prodding and rushing to get out the door for school and work, and then I feel I’ve left the kids for the day with a bad memory of a rushed morning — that’s not the way I want them thinking of me all day, assuming they do think of me. I’m trying to relax more in the mornings — it’s fine if I’m 5 minutes later to work, because I’m not punching a time clock besides my own internal one. This morning, we took a detour to the backyard to see the new little tree our neighbor planted — it took 2 minutes and I got big smiles from the kids. That’s the way to start our day!
We changed our evening routine, too. I’m making simpler meals with less prep time. After dinner, it’s cuddle time on the couch with their favorite shows, then bath/shower, then a few more minutes of playing, talking, snuggling on our bed before reading books in their own beds. We don’t get to the dishes, clean-up, and lunch packing until after bedtime now, but we’re finding that together time is making all of us much happier.
June 10, 2011 @ 11:09 am
Kristi,
thanks for weighing in! I hear you on that sinking feeling you get when, after a rushed and yell-filled morning, you’re sure that this is all they’ll remember. I’m trying to change things, too. It’s a hard road. I like your idea of detouring to see the tree. We have to realize, though, that even when things go haywire or we’re tired and grumpy, that can be turned around sometimes in a snap. I also think we all can have a tendency to be so hard on ourselves that we forget the good things and memories we give our kids — they’ll remember that, too, not just that we were always yelling things like “BRUSH your TEETH already, will you?!”
Denise
July 28, 2011 @ 9:26 am
OK, so I’m a dad but I’m here anyway because many of us face the same issues. Our two boys have to suffer two entrepreneurial parents, or as they’re probably term it, “neural” parents. It’s challenging to give your children the attention they crave as well as the guidelines they need to be their best. For us, much of the challenge resides in being used to calling the shots and getting things done – NOW – at work for 10 or more hours, then coming home and trying to manage the housework, bills, funds, and kids – all the while balancing tasks and playtime. We have to put ourselves in different mindsets when we get home in order to be fair to our boys, 7 and 2; otherwise we tend to have the same work ethic expectations we demand of our employees.
While we’ve gotten better, it is a constant struggle. But, for my two cents’ worth, let me illustrate a difference I’ve noticed. With our first boy, we were exceedingly patient and understanding. At his age he is the most well-adjusted, brightest kid in his class. He’s also one of the best-behaved and kindest people I know, children and adults alike.
His brother was raised in a far more hectic, impatient environment, because we both started businesses between births. While he is still a typical boy, his methods of dealing with frustration are far different from his brother’s. He is aggressive to the point of hitting (even though we do not use physical punishment with the children) and he throws massive verbal fits when things do not go his way immediately. He does, however, demonstrate streaks of great kindness at times.
One can argue the merits of Nature VS Nurture indefinitely, but I feel that our attitudes and actions as parents – and more importantly, the differences between then and the not-so-long-ago-past – have had a significant impact on how our sons behave today.
We recognize the challenge and do our best to be fair; and in doing so have become more lax on some things. It can be extremely beneficial – and enlightening – to take a “big picture” view and remember that in the end, what often seems important and immediate will not seem so on reflection. Can we, as parents, help form a good foundation in our children? Sure. Can we ultimately dictate how they will be as adults? No way; they must and will choose their own paths.
We expend so much effort in molding our children to be capable adults, but we often forget that teaching our children to “not sweat the small stuff” can be just as healthy – if not healthier – than making them eat their broccoli. After all, a good diet will not necessarily stave off a stress-induced heart attack.
We can mold all we want, but kids don’t come with instruction manuals, we can never know with absolute certainty that we’re doing our jobs. So how can we have absolute rules? Sometimes, the most important job of parenting is to allow our children to enjoy the ride.
February 12, 2013 @ 10:51 am
I need to be more patient as a mother. I want everything organized, clutter-free, and organic. We don’t use physical punishment, and our child is as perfect as can be. But getting a toddler to organize like me – an impatient mom – is unrealistic. I apologize frequently, and my child already describes me as impatient (I taught the word). I don’t want my child to be uptight like me. I try to set aside some time for our child – relaxing time. I realize that I’m the problem.