A Pocketful of Candy, a Bottle Full of Vodka: Who is in Charge Here, Anyway?
Sugar, sugar!
What does this have to do with candy? Read on!
Couple things happened recently that got linked up in my head in one of those classic lightbulb moments.
The first thing was a conversation overheard in James’ preschool classroom on the last day of school. A mom of a girl in Jamie’s class was chatting with the teacher about how she was taking her daughter to the dentist; the five-year-old had a cavity. Poor lamb. (I mean that seriously, not snarkily! Cavities suck.) Anyway, one thing this mom said caught my ear: “Well, I’m sure one problem is all the candy she eats! My mother-in-law fills her pockets with candy when I’m not looking.” (I must note that she said “my mother in law” with in that low, conspiratorial, you-know-what-I-mean tone. Deserved or not, MILs are such scapegoats, right?)
So here’s what I thought. Your MIL fills the kid’s pocket with brightly colored and cutely shaped lumps of sugar wrapped in plastic. Nice. But, um… is there seriously nothing you can do about that? Is it out of your hands? You buy your child’s clothes, right? You wash them, you put them in her drawer, your help her plop them on her body? All that, you’ve got under your control. But what goes into her pockets is not your bailiwick? Someone else fills the pockets of said clothes with candy and you throw up your hands?
Sorry. I don’t like to be judgmental (most of the time; I still reserve tsk-tsking for a mom I once saw on a city street who bought an orange soda from a street vendor, and split it between her toddler’s sippy cup and her baby’s bottle. Oh, my goodness), but sometimes I can’t help it. So here it goes: You are not allowed to sigh and complain and wring your hands about the things that happen to your child, if the means to control those things is still in your hands. In this case, come on. It’s a five-year-old, and it’s candy. It’s still in your hands.
Here are just two totally uncreative solutions I came up with, right off the top of my head. She could:
- Tell her mother-in-law (nicely, not nicely, through her husband, in an email, via registered letter, whatever works) not to put the candy in the kid’s pocket. Duh.
- Remove the candy from her pockets. Double duh. Just last month, my boys got HUGE bags of candy as party goody-bags. I didn’t take the stuff and toss it (except the really nasty stuff like Laffy Taffy, speaking of needing trips to the dentist). But I did take it and stow it on a high shelf, to dole out as treats. The boys, they love to dig in and pick their one-piece-at-a-time poison!
Hard? Sure, harder than letting the candy stay there, and then having something conspiratorial to share with your friends about your pesky mother-in-law (or about party goody-bags). But not as hard as what that pocketful of candy you’ve abdicated responsibility over represents, or what it might lead to. That’s a lot harder.
Which brings me to the second thing that happened recently, the thing that triggered the lightbulb moment. It was a conversation I had with my sister, Marie, who has three children (the youngest 14, the eldest 21). We were talking about her son, Nick’s, recent prom, and I mentioned (hoping I wasn’t crossing a line) that I clicked through a stream of Facebook pictures one of Nick’s female friends had posted to his page (yes, this old auntie is FB friends with her nieces and nephew! They likely regret it), in which some of the girls had a bottle of vodka in the prom-bound limo.
Oh, yeah, my sister said. Some of those kids drink like fish. (These are high school sophomores and juniors.) Now, I’m not surprised that kids drink. Again, and sorry to overuse a word, but duh. Here’s the part that surprised me:
My sister told me that a friend of hers lets her teens and their friends drink in the house. That same mom said, after she’d dropped off her daughter and two of her 15-year-old friends at a Sweet Sixteen party, “Oh, I know they had vodka in their water bottles, but what can I do?”
What can you do? REALLY?
Here’s what you can do. You start by taking the candy out of the pocket when they’re five. That’s called starting as you mean to go on, and it’s a phrase that pops to mind continually as I travel this rocky parenting road. You decide to control what you can control, and you move forward from there, knowing you’ll soon be wading into waters that are a lot trickier to swim than candy. Vodka’s harder. I know, I KNOW 15-year-olds can get booze if they want to, and I know they will. But if you, as a mom, know your daughter has vodka in her water bottle and you’re dropping her off at a party, is there really nothing you can do but throw up your hands?
How ’bout turning the car around, dropping off her friends, and taking her home?
The line between the candy and the vodka seemed very, very clear to me (duh). I’m not saying that the little girl in Jamie’s class is going to start bringing Poland Spring bottles filled with vodka to kindergarten simply becuase her mom didn’t clear her pockets of Grandma’s Jolly Ranchers. But it’s on the same continuum.
Start as you mean to go on.
And please, don’t throw up your hands.
What do you think?
[photos: Everystockphoto.com]
July 22, 2009 @ 2:25 pm
This is so interesting, Denise! Speaking now as the mom of a 13-year-old and an 11-year-old, I can tell you that it is VERY difficult to change your parenting style. I try to be flexible and adapt as they get older, but in general, I’m the same KIND of mom as I was when they were little. If you’re too permissive when they’re little, it’s hard to rein them in as they get older. If you’re too strict when they’re little, it’s hard for them to make decisions on their own when they’re used to being told what to do all the time.
I love the idea of “start as you mean to go on.”
Great, thought-provoking post!
July 22, 2009 @ 2:37 pm
I’ve managed to make my boys’ Halloween candy last until Easter by doling it out a little at a time. I’ve done that for years. (Of course, Dad and I first steal for ourselves the kinds of candy we like most.)
I’m having a harder time now that my oldest is 12 and overweight. It’s harder to monitor everything he puts in his mouth, and I hate to be the overly mean mom who locks the refrigerator or never allows sweets in the house. (My other son isn’t overweight, though Dad and I are.) I have started putting healthier things in the house, but it’s become a matter of quantity these days, and my son sneaking things when he knows he’s not supposed to (and me not finding out until much later).
At this age, I think I’m walking a fine line between harping on weight management and a healthier lifestyle and creating a really low self-esteem in him.
July 22, 2009 @ 2:43 pm
Diane, thanks for your comment. (We pull out the candy we like, too! Hello, Butterfingers!). I am not so naive as to think I can control these things forever, but I want my kids to be able to make choices. In the case of my sons, I like that my 6 yr old “gets” that candy is a treat. (he’d overdo it if I let him, but I also tend to think he has internalized the lesson that it’s a treat). I can imagine that dealing with your son is hard, and I bet the fact that he’s a boy makes it harder in a different way than it would be for a girl (hello, Dara, and thanks for weighing in!). Boys do eat more, right? And he’s at that age too where he’s growing fast, so you don’t want to restrict. In that case,it’s probably best for the whole family to gradually change habits so it’s not all about him. I wonder what I’ll have to deal with down the line… my hubby gains weight easily, and my older son favors him in body type, so we’ll see.
July 22, 2009 @ 2:41 pm
This is so hard. I found myself reading and simultaneously A) agreeing with you, and B) feeling defensive. As I checked my defensiveness to figure out from whence it came, I realized I have given up this fight. The whole MIL thing hits close to home. My kids have an amazing grandmother and grandfather. They love my kids to bits and my kids love them back. But they complain when they have to go home from there, which the grandparents can’t bear, so it’s always “Give them some candy.” I try to take away what I can, but there’s only so much wailing I can listen to. And then there’s what they eat on the drive home, since I’m not about to rip the candy out of their hands as soon as they get it (most of the time). Sometimes my MIL sees my face and gives the candy to me, which I appreciate. But other times I just give in. I know it’s not good. I also know that my in-laws do not grandparent the way they parented, and they were probably more like me with their own kids.
But it really is a delicate balance. We do keep treats and candy in the house, and we reserve them for special occasions — we don’t want to forbid them altogether and create more problems later on. But there’s a fine line and I often don’t walk it perfectly. It’s a tough thing.
July 22, 2009 @ 3:47 pm
Denise, this is a great blog topic. I will rat out my dad here! When Rachel was about 5 she stayed a few days with my dad, and he gave her a big bag with candy and told her she should keep it under her bed and not tell me about it, and then she can have some whenever she wants. She was very conflicted about having this secret — stressed her out really! After an anxious day or so she told me about it, and showed me the candy. I was furious! I called my dad right away, and said he can spoil her all he wants when she’s at his house, but when she comes home house rules have to apply. And, most of all, never, never, never tell a kid to keep a secret from a parent. I also told Rachel she was right to tell me about the secret, because anyone who tells a kid to keep a secret from their parents has done something they know is wrong. He had his chance to be in charge of kids, but I’m in charge of mine!
July 22, 2009 @ 4:53 pm
All I can say is that when I find out another parent is letting her kid drink in her house, that will be the day my daughter will not be going to said kid’s house. Some folks can give up on parenting, but I’m not going to do it. What can you do? I don’t know. Take the alcohol away, pour it down the drain, say you won’t tolerate such behavior and say what you’ll do next time — and then follow through — if you see it/smell it/suspect it’s under your roof.
July 22, 2009 @ 4:56 pm
Exactly, Monique! There’s understanding that kids will do what kids will do, and taking charge of what happens in your own home. Thanks for the comment! Off to check out honeysmoke…
Denise
July 22, 2009 @ 5:06 pm
Great post and a sentiment that I try hard to remember.
We run into the candy monster with my mom, who wants to bring my daughter a treat whenever she comes over. Not only is this problematic for me because of the giant blow-pops (she’s TWO!) but also because I don’t want her to associate Grammy with presents, whether clothes, candy or whatnot.
I’m faced with the “but I want to spoil her” argument so…what to do? I’ve tried explaining my position and she’s mostly receptive although she gets defensive about the crappy snacks & candy. I’ve also taken candy away and suffered the crying and the guilt from my mom.
It can be so frustrating because this is the same woman who put trail mix and carob-covered raisins in my Easter basket!
She obviously knows better but without the pressure of being the parent, apparently all bets are off.
This is the longest comment ever but I want to add that I really enjoy your blog. I’ve been called a mean mommy by both grandma’s so it’s nice to see someone else embracing it.
July 22, 2009 @ 5:35 pm
Oh, Denise, have you hit a sweet spot! (pun intended) I fully agree with what you wrote, but unfortunately, I think we are salmon swimming upstream. There are so many parents who don’t give their teenagers the message that it is NOT okay to drink, under any circumstances, knowing full well that their kids may still go ahead and do it. But not with their parents’ blessing and hopefully, with their parents’ disapproval lurking somewhere in their subconscious minds. My now 13-year-old (you know about him!) thinks I’m the meanest mother in the world because he has limits and boundaries far different than those of his peers. I can live with that if it means I can help delay some of the behaviors that terrify me. Many kids his age go to boy/girl parties where they’re left to their own devices, unsupervised. If that’s what’s happening when they’re 13, what’s ahead later on? I can go on and on. Parenting is a hard, thankless job. You have to be the bad guy, a lot, in order to be the good parent. We are supposed to be their parents, not their friends.
July 22, 2009 @ 5:49 pm
Emily, thanks. I honestly think there’s something to the idea of delaying. When my boys were tiny, I kept them well away from candy and cake and all that, and people laughed at me,thinking I would try to do so forever.I knew it wouldn’t be forever, but I also knew I wasn’t going to force-feed them icing at 12 months, or give them sips of soda at age 2. Lots of parents do these things thinking, “well, they’re gonna get there anyway…” Well, yes, but not with pushing from me. I think that’s what’s behind those parents who let 13 year olds have unsupervised girl/boy parties. Why rush things that are going to happen anyway? By delaying, you also have more time to impress your values on them so hopefully they’ll make good choices most of the time.
Hey, it’s all a work in progress, right?
Denise
July 22, 2009 @ 6:51 pm
I don’t mind a little spoiling here and there by the grandparents, but I certainly know the boundaries of it … and so do the grands because I have told them. It wasn’t that hard really … I just said, I don’t mind a little spoiling, but I’d prefer it if you didn’t xyz. The vodka thing is totally out of control though because on top of being a dumb move by a parent, it’s also ILLEGAL. A parent could get into trouble allowing a minor to bring alcohol to a party or to consume it at their home. Just because a parent refuses to take responsibility doesn’t mean they HAVE no responsibility.
My children (six … will head to 1st grade in Sept.) know they need to ask me before they do something that doesn’t follow the rules of our home, and they also know that occasionally we will break those rules ourselves. For instance, my husband once wanted to take them to Mcd’s for a Happy Meal dinner after dance class and Lizzie said, “did you ask mommy if it’s okay?”
July 22, 2009 @ 6:51 pm
PS: Forgot to mention, great post … hope it gets lots of views!
July 22, 2009 @ 7:40 pm
Thanks Tracy! Did you ask mommy if it’s okay– that’s priceless!
Denise
July 22, 2009 @ 8:38 pm
Denise,
Great topic! I live on the west coast, in the land of permissive parenting, and sometimes my husband and I feel we are the only ones who say no to our 6-year-old — and do so frequently — instead of parsing the reasons behind his feelings, our feelings, etc. My son was not exposed to candy early on: in fact, he once pointed to some candy in the checkout line asking what it was, and a person behind us snidely remarked, “Only in Berkeley would a kid not know what candy was.” But it’s not the candy: it’s the boundaries and limits that we set for him because he isn’t able. And teenagers aren’t able either. The drinking thing scares me, as I’ve lost a cousin to an alcohol-related car accident, and I think you’re absolutely right to see the link between abdicating parental control at 5 and its dangerous ramifications at 15. Well said!
July 23, 2009 @ 10:24 am
My daughter is only 5, so I won’t speak to the vodka part yet (except to say that of course parents are not powerless in those situations!). But on the matter of little kids and delaying/limiting candy: absolutely. Denise, it’s so true what you say about people thinking that limits early on mean deprivation forever. We ran into that attitude as well. But we’ve raised our daughter to understand the consequences of food choices, and today she makes pretty smart food choices all by herself, and has developed a palate that favors whole, minimally processed foods. She likes sweets as much as the next kid, but she self-limits. I think kids can be taught to appreciate and understand food choices from an early age. In fact that’s the topic of a blog I’m launching next month. (So stay tuned!)
I’ll also repost something I just wrote on a writers’ forum called Freelance Success, where there’s another discussion going about Denise’s blog post: There are a lot more reasons to limit candy than cavities. That’s actually the least of it. Many candies have all sorts of nasty ingredients (trans fats, high-fructose corn syrup, artificial colors and flavors). So by limiting candy you aren’t just avoiding cavities — you’re also avoiding the health and behavioral fallouts of that kind of consumption. And you’re teaching kids that nutrient-dense food not only is better for us, but feels better, too. Moderation is important, but so is education about how these things affect our bodies. Then limiting candy doesn’t have to be a fight, because kids will have context for the moderation.
Chris
July 23, 2009 @ 10:29 am
Great post.
I’m just about guiding my kids through childhood – the youngest will be 18 in September, the other two are 20 and 22. Legal drinking age here is 18.
I think what happens is it’s much easier to go with the flow than to go against it. I was considered to be very strict by acquaintances standards, but I was anything but strict. I expected certain types of behaviours and usually received them. I was astounded when people would compliment me on how well behaved the kids were when we were out of the house and how polite they were to others. Aren’t they supposed to be?
That’s not to say they were angels. Absolutely not and I’m sure they’ve done things that I really would rather not hear about, but for the most part, they were great. And they’ve turned into wonderful, strong, and caring young adults. All three are in college or university. All three work hard at part-time jobs or summer jobs. They’ve got great friends and they’re healthy and happy. That’s what I cared about.
Were they furious with me from time to time when they were kids? Without a doubt. But as much as I wanted them to like me all the time, I felt that my job was to help guide them into the people they are now. You can’t do that if you give in to their every whim and desire as a child – or teen.
July 23, 2009 @ 1:12 pm
Great topic, Denise, and I agree that there’s a direct connection between parents giving up all control on littler things when their kids are younger, and then taking no responsibility when it comes to more serious issues, like teens and drinking. Gosh, that’s just wrong on so many levels that it’s scary – illegal, dangerous and may be setting up some kids for ongoing problems with alchohol.
THat’s not to say that I make the right call all the time – at times, I feel like I’ve been too strict, and other times, I realize too late that I should have reined things in before I did. But, I refuse to just give up on the whole thing, and I definitely won’t just shrug my shoulders if I know one of my kids has a water bottle filled with vodka.
Karen
July 26, 2009 @ 11:10 am
I’ve never understood parents who take a “what can I do?” approach. I have a friend whose 12-year-old daughter watches Grey’s Anatomy. We’re good friends so I felt comfortable asking her why she’d let her young daughter watch such an adult TV show (hey, there’s lots of casual sex on that show), and her response was, “All her friends are watching it. It’s part of their social fabric. I didn’t want to take that away from her.”
Huh?
You say, “No, you’re too young,” and give her a hug. She’ll live…
July 26, 2009 @ 11:23 am
Christina,
thanks! there’s definitely something to your idea of giving your kid a hug as you’re saying “no” to something you deem inappropriate. I’d also add a bright smile. I think too often parents who say no are, at the same time, apologizing to their kids and wringing their hands about it,which sends the message that the parent has mixed emotions about saying no. I just practice my enigmatic smile and I tell the truth: Sorry, honey, but no….
Denise
Confessions of a Mean Mommy » Blog Archive » Bullies, Bad Boys and Mean Girls: When Do Parents Get The Blame?
April 6, 2010 @ 2:42 pm
[…] I wrote about this last summer, when it began to occur to me that too many parents toss up their hands with a, “well, they’ll do what they’re going to do anyway, so why try?” attitude that drives me right around the bend. I know the counterargument: Sure, Denise, you smug parent-of-grade-schoolers. Just you wait until they are in middle school and it’s all slipping out of your grasp. But is it, really? Plenty does elude parents, I know. But what about being the voice they hear in their heads? What if you make it crystal clear, from babyhood onwards, what behavior is okay and what it absolutely not okay, consistently and constantly, firmly and clearly, so that by the time they are 13 and 14 and 15, and someone’s handing them a bottle of vodka at a party, or someone’s inviting them to join a Facebook group whose sole purpose is to bully another student, they hear you, or something like you (hopefully, it’s their own voice, but your words, your values), in their heads saying, “I just know there’s something wrong about this,” and having the wits and the cojones to stick to their moral and ethical guns. […]