Vegging out.
My boys are completely normal American children, which is to say, if you sit them down in front of a bag of potato chips, they’ll plow through them. If you give them a bucket of Halloween candy, they’ll dig right in. If you make a cake and offer them mixer beaters coated with chocolate frosting, what do you think they’ll do? (To be fair, they differ; James self-limits, for whatever reason, his junk-food tooth is more easily satisfied than Daniel’s, who — like his mom — will reach the bottom of that chip bag before he hears his brain’s “stop! please for the love of God, stop!” signal.)
But you know what they do when faced with a dinner plate with chicken and broccoli? Well, in that they differ slightly from each other, too. James will start right in on the broccoli, while Daniel will make a beeline for the chicken. And neither of them get the pasta (presuming there is pasta, and both of them hope against hope every night that there will be pasta) until the protein and the veggies are gone or mostly gone. They also both know that once their cup of orange or apple juice is finished, they are free to help themselves to water. Another thing they expect: fruit after dinner. There is ALWAYS fruit, as there always was when I was growing up.
I’m actually way more easygoing on the “you must eat this” front than my parents were. I can still remember a bleak-looking little bowl of spinach (it was in a bowl to segregate its juices from my meat and potatoes; at least my parents bowed to my need to keep foodfromtouching) sitting in front of me until I finished it. And I always did, even though I didn’t like it. We didn’t have royal battles; the undercurrent of parental-control-versus-children’s-grousing was a very quiet hum. But it was there, and all parties present knew the parental-control faction would win every time. I hated it, but I ate the spinach, and I ate the liver, and I ate the beef stew (a semi-nightmare for a child who didn’t like foodthattouched.)
But you know what? Aside from the liver, which even my parents don’t eat anymore (I think my mom bought it because it was a low-cost source of protein and iron, and she’s anemic), I like all those foods. And I’m convinced (anecdotally, nonscientifically) that it was precisely in the “I’m in charge here, no backtalk” rules we had for eating that, eventually, gave me not only a taste for a wide variety of foods, but an understanding of what was good and healthy to eat, and even how to prepare foods. It’s not a mystery. My sister was less of a nightmare picky eater than I was, and my brother was possibly even worse than I was. And now, all three of us? We know how to cook, and we know how to eat.
The way in which my tactics (and my husband’s; as in most child-rearing things, we are firmly on the same page, thank heaven) differ from my parents is that I don’t make them eat what they would call really “weird” vegetables; I do bow much more to their proclivities than my mom would ever do. So, while I make them eat their veggies before the “fun” foods like pasta or french fries, I don’t make them eat stew, and I do bread their chicken and fish a lot of the time, and I do cook their veggies plain and slick them with butter, something my parents never did.
I realize I’m lucky as heck that I have good eaters who like vegetables (even if it’s a mind-numbingly boring repetition of broccoli; peas; green beans; carrots; and back again); who eat hearty lunches at school without complaint (a sandwich on whole grain bread, a yogurt, fruit, milk), and who don’t snack outside of circumscribed times and places. Daniel swears he’ll do such things as try eggplant when he’s 16 (or was it 14? I’ll have to ask him). And I swear I get his dislike of zucchini. He tries, and the texture skeeves him; I feel the same way about mushrooms, one of the few foods I avoid entirely. I won’t force that issue, but I will keep trying and hope he grows into it.
But what I won’t do is throw up my hands and stock my freezer with chicken nuggets (which, for the record, I do buy when they’re on sale; nothing like being able to pop some in the toaster oven when I don’t feel like fussing), or assume that fruit snacks, with their “100% vitamin C!” labels are a replacement for an apple or an orange.
Because as they get older, they need to have both a proper respect for food and mealtimes, and a proper respect for the fact that I know better. I’m sorry if that’s not PC anymore (we’re not supposed to direct our kids’ eating, for fear of triggering an eating disorder), but I do know better.
Food and kids is in the news, as it should be, with rates of childhood obesity rising to the point that our children’s generation is on track to have lower life expectancy than we do. That’s shameful, and horrible. But at the same time, I see and hear from a lot of parents who don’t exercise the control they could, either because it’s too hard to buck the tide, or because they’re afraid (sometimes rightly, depending on their tactics) of giving children a lasting poor relationship with their bodies. It is true that some chubby kids will grow into a healthier frame. It’s also true that some won’t. It’s true that some kids with no good example of how to eat will figure it out themselves. It’s also true that many will not, and will reach adulthood thinking a crumb cake and a Diet Pepsi is a good breakfast.
So here’s what I think. I believe that full-on nagging (or blaming or shaming) a child who either doesn’t eat the right things, or who eats too much, or who you perceive (maybe because of own weight or body-image issues) eats too much, does more harm than good. But I do think that pushing kids to eat better, even sometimes insisting that they do, can ultimately be a good thing, presuming you practice what you preach. My parents, as they sat by while my spinach cooled, didn’t humiliate me or shame me into eating it. It was just what was done. It never occurred to me to refuse, despite mild resistance and a lot of grumbling (and, in my brother’s case, a lot of surreptitious tossing of broccoli spears onto my plate).
I think, I hope, that staying in control works, when you combine it with teaching kids the right way to eat (just the other day, I showed Daniel, for the first time, the “serving size” on a box of Fig Newtons; now that’s his new fascination. The serving size, not the Newtons), and doing so yourself. Especially when the alternatives range from bad nutrition to obesity and diabetes.
What do you think?
[photo: everystockphoto.com]
I’m totally with you on this one. My kids are expected to eat their veggies, and so, consequently, they do. They’re not allowed to say, “I don’t like this” because I think it’s rude and would be embarrassed if they said it at someone else’s house. I see nothing wrong with making them eat something that’s good for them. My 5 year old recently said, “Mom, guess what? I like broccoli now!” Like you, I’m not an ogre… I don’t serve stuff they absolutely hate (we eat a lot of green beans and corn and raw carrots) but I do think it’s important that they learn early to be healthy eaters. My mom taught me, and I’m very glad she did. Thanks for your posts… I always enjoy them!
I’m with you on this. And I do worry about it because my son is not particularly active. He’s a sit and play kid, not a run and play kid. Plus, he loves cookies and bread and carbs of any kind.
So we talk about it a lot–never in the context of weight, always in the context of what’s healthy, what’s not. I grew up obsessed with my weight. I don’t want that for him. Ever.
My kids are really different eaters, too. Kate is the “good” child who eats her veggies first and loves broccoli. Sophia has to be coaxed and often fed her veggies by one of us (even though she’s 3), but we have the same rule: no yummy food, whatever that happens to be that night, until the veggies are gone.
They also prefer the boring veggies. We rotate between peas, broccoli, green beans, and the occasional spinach. In summer I grill zucchini, eggplant, onions, potatoes, etc., and they act like it’s poison. I always put a steamed veggie on the table, too, and figure it won’t hurt the adults to have a couple of servings.
I know the child-rearing experts say not to do this, but we don’t let them have treats unless the veggies and the majority of the rest of the dinner is gone. Then they get something small, like a Hershey’s kiss or a couple of Lifesavers. I think it teaches eating the good foods first, and that it’s ok to have treats in moderation. It’s more of a standing house rule than a desperate bribe.
I think education is absolutely key. Too many parents think their kids are too young, immature, whatever, to handle the truth about good nutrition and where their food comes from. So they camouflage the vegetables and give their kids food they *think* kids like (artificial, overprocessed, brightly colored). But you know what? Real food tastes better, and if you give kids some credit, they’ll surprise you by realizing that pretty quickly. Chef Jamie Oliver just gave an extremely compelling talk about the epidemic of childhood obesity/premature death, and the need to educate our kids about food. It’s well worth the 20 minutes:
http://www.ted.com/talks/jamie_oliver.html?awesm=on.te
My blog, Spoonfed, is about this exact topic (raising kids to think about food, not just eat it), and will be live within two weeks (right now it’s password-protected). Thanks, Denise, for continuing to hit on this important topic.
I’m with you! My rule is that my son has to try at least one bite of everything. And if it’s something I know he basically likes, like salad, he has to eat that if he wants more pasta or dessert, but I don’t force him to eat it. It’s worked well so far. We don’t always have dessert but I think it’s fair to teach him that you need to have the nutritious food before you start adding treats. Oh, and a couple friends of his suffered from terrible constipation, and for one of them it was clearly due to not eating vegetables. He was aware of both kids’ distress so I explained to him that you need to eat your vegetables or your poop will get stuck. He seemed to find it a compelling argument!
I too have struggles with the kids and eating and would never want to hurt their self esteem or create unhealthy eating habits. That said, I have some rules around food. Especially now, as I get more educated about our foods and where they come from and what illnesses they contribute to, I am making subtle changes to what comes home from the grocery store. Ok – some changes are not so subtle.
And it gets harder as the kids get older. You’ll see once your kids get to the teen years. You can’t control what they eat – you can only control what you buy and bring home – what’s available to them – at least from the home front. (Remember – you vote every time you check out at the store! That where you can impact the community at large) My kids love to go to a certain friends house – they always have the flavored “vitamin” waters and sweet and salty snacks. You’d think I don’t feed them at all. But I know I’m getting thru to them. The 13 and 11 year olds actually take an interest in my research and have made comments or changes in their eating habits. I can only hope that by the time they leave the nest, they will make good choices – not just with food – but with everything.
Great job on the blog Denise – keep it coming.
The person with no kids chimes in again. No kids, lots of opinions!
I have a friend who has turned herself into a short-order cook with her kids. Every meal, she asks them what they want. She prepares three separate meals for every meal: whatever the two boys want and then something for her and her husband. It’s not even that the boys are fussy eaters. They like sushi and miso soup and other exotic stuff, but they don’t necessarily want what she has prepared for her husband and her.
I asked her husband (who is the long-term friend) about it and he told me he had decided to stay out of it. “If she wants to waste her time doing that,” he shrugged, ” she can die on that hill. I’m not going to.”
We try to get the boys to eat vegetables, but we find ourselves in the “eat 5 more bites” situation- it’s that, or my 4-year old would rather go to bed hungry and then cry all night. He knows WHY he needs to eat them-he just hasn’t developed a taste for them yet. I figure if we can get him to at least try some of what I’m serving, he’ll learn to like some of it. I’d be quite happy if he and his brother would accept a rotation of peas, broccoli, carrots and green beans!
[...] Not going to happen: Having two desserts. His sweet tooth is way too sharp and shiny (just like his mother’s!) to allow that. I have already made the decision, and communicated as such to my kids, that for now, I know more about what’s good for them to eat than they so, and I’m in control of the shopping list and the pantry doors. [...]
[...] give up that control, and I don’t think that I should. I’ve written about this before, here. But I also am not an autocrat, and I do remember my own days as a closet (literally) candy-eater. [...]
Another Title…
I saw this really good post today….