What’s in a Name? In Mine? A Lot!
Give me an S!
So, I didn’t change my name when I married my dear husband just over 9 years ago. Surprised? No one who knew me was, but I’m continually surprised at the hoopla it causes even now. Or maybe especially now, with our two sons firmly entrenched in the local public school system. But more on school later.
First, here’s why I did it (or, to be precise, didn’t do it):
- I like my name. I always have. I like that it reflects my Italian-American heritage, even though it’s not immediately obvious to everyone that it’s even an Italian surname (and to that end, I did a little research: Schipani probably originates in Calabria, the region that occupies the toe of Italy’s boot. That fits, because Calabria is where my Schipani great-grandfather immigrated from. But curiously, it also might be, even further back in time, Albanian). See? History and the natural ambiguity built into history. What’s not to love?
- I like being a Schipani. There are people in our ancestral line (OK, only as far back as my own father can remember) whose likes and dislikes, senses of humor and hobbies and penchants, echo mine. That feels good to me. I didn’t want to jettison the name that makes me feel tethered to that past.
- I had my name for a long time before I met my husband. Specifically, nearly 33 years. I was 34 when we got married. I’d been using my name as an adult for long enough that it would’ve felt abrupt to just become someone else.
- It’s tied to my professional identity. As a magazine editor and writer, I’m connected, quite literally, to my name. People recongnize it on mastheads and in bylines, and these days (not the case when I began my writing career more than 20 years ago) on Google.
- Did I mention I just like it? I like that it’s a little hard to pronounce or to spell (for some people, that is. I mean, I learned it when I was four or five. My seven-year-old can spell it now, too).
Here, just to get this out of the way, are two reasons I didn’t change it that don’t apply: I didn’t keep Schipani because I don’t like my husband’s name. I do like it. I like it because it’s strong and upstanding, like my husband himself, and I was proud to give that name to my sons. And I didn’t keep my name for purely feminist reasons, though I am certainly a feminist. (I believe I’d still be a feminist with my husband’s name.)
Of course, a major reason many women change their names is for the sake of family unity. I do struggle with that notion now that I’m a mother. It does sometimes feel odd to know that I’m not only the sole girl in the house; I’m also the sole Schipani. But does it matter? Not really. The boys don’t call me Ms. Schipani — they call me Mommy.
Thing is, now that they are both in school fulltime, I get double the calls and notes and emails for “Mrs. X (my husband’s name).” Even those teachers or administrators who make a point of acknowledging my different surname slip up and call me Mrs. Schipani (Um? That’s my mom!).
Many years ago now, I was supposed to marry a different guy, and when we were engaged, I made it clear that I’d be keeping my name. I thought he’d have figured that out already — but I was wrong. He. Hit. The. Roof. (No, this isn’t why we split, though the fact that I miscalculated his reaction played into it). Why? “It’s what everyone does!” “It’s what you’re supposed to do!” And, my favorite: “Our future children will be confused!” Much about that time is foggy in my head, but I remember my reaction clearly: “Listen,” I said, “I don’t plan to have children who aren’t bright enough to work out that Mom has a different name than Dad.”
I didn’t know what I was talking about then, being a good 16 years from becoming a mother, but it turns out I was right. It’s not the kids who have a “problem” with the name situation. For kids, at least for my kids, it just is what it is. Mommy has a different name. Daddy is the only one with blue eyes. Mommy’s older, but Daddy’s taller. They categorize, they compartmentalize — they understand, and they take for granted.
I had a scary moment yesterday when Daniel said that the fact that my name isn’t Mrs. so-and-so (like all his friends’ moms) is “hard.” But when I pressed him further, it turned out he meant it was hard for everyone else. My dear boy can’t figure out why the teachers can’t write “Ms. Schipani and Mr. X” on a note home. Even he knows calling me Mrs. Schipani is wrong, and can’t they figure that out?
Why indeed.
Did you change your name, give your maiden name to your children, struggle with the possibilities? I’d love to know (mostly, I’d love to know I’m not alone!)
December 22, 2009 @ 3:21 pm
I changed my name to Singer, because spell check goes right over it.
December 22, 2009 @ 4:20 pm
Jen, that’s another thing Daniel notices — “the computer thinks you’re spelling your name wrong!”
Denise
December 22, 2009 @ 4:02 pm
Nope, you’re not alone. As mine is only 3.5yrs, I’m still waiting for the inevitable issues you mention above. To compound it, my daughter looks NOTHING like me; she’s a mix of my dad and my husband. Gonna be interesting.
December 22, 2009 @ 5:15 pm
Oh, I (and we) screwed things up BIG time for every bureaucracy we encounter. Names have been changed for anonymity.
I was born a Vasquez. My mom’s a Hunt. I always felt a little weird having just one last name, because most Hispanics have two: your dad’s family name, and then your mom’s. So my dad is technically a Vasquez Dominguez (and, to her in-laws, Mom is Hunt de Vasquez, which is how Hispanics traditionally handle the married-lady thing).
When I was in my twenties, I legally changed my last name to Vasquez Hunt. No hyphen. Two last names. American bureaucracy HATES this. Does not get it at all. They always want to hyphenate, or BiCapitalize, or make me have two middle names and one last name. No, goddamnit. It’s two last names, you damned gabachos.
So my wife? She’s a Stone. She was fine with changing names, not that I pressed the issue, but she’s not very close to my paternal family (there are Issues I’m not talking about here). So she decided to be Stone Hunt, and we would be corporately known as the Hunts — in this sense, she changed her name and I lost one of mine — and our kid is a Hunt, which pissed off my dad quite a lot, actually. (I told you. Issues.)
So when we do things together, there’s one Vasquez Hunt, one Stone Hunt, and now one little Hunt. It drives the airlines batshit. I love it.
December 22, 2009 @ 7:32 pm
Denise, I TOTALLY agree with you. Love my name. Always have. My kids get it. I use the name I was born with. Just like they do.
December 22, 2009 @ 9:04 pm
I also totally agree. I kept my maiden name when I married my husband. I did this for a variety of reasons:
– I had been married once before and had taken a hyphenated name (after my ex-husband freaked out that I wanted to keep my name), and it was a pain in the butt. Both names were difficult to spell and it was almost 20 letters long. I went through all the trouble to change it legally and then 3 years later (yes, my first marriage was a total disaster), had to go through all the trouble to change it back. I was not going to change it a third time.
– I love being a MacLeod. It is a strong Scottish name with a long (and very cool) history.
– My husband could care less if we have the same last name. As long as he gets to have me, he does not care if we have the same last name.
– I’m a feminist
– I’d been a MacLeod for most of life when I got married. (I was 34 at the time). It’s just me. Who I am.
My daughter, who’s 11 months, has my husband’s last name. MacLeod is her middle name. I don’t feel any less like her mom because we don’t share a surname. I’m sure this will be an issue when she goes to school (I already get called Mrs. husband’s-last-name a lot). I guess I’ll deal with it as we go.
December 22, 2009 @ 10:41 pm
No, I didn’t change my name, either. For many of the same reasons you listed. Plus, I lost my dad as a child, and keeping his name kept him closer to me if that makes any sense.
We have the opposite problem, BTW. I’m not Mrs. Bannan. My husband has become Mr. Bannan, even though the kids have his last name! The utilities, the electric, everything like that is all in my name. I am three years older than Chris, so I had credit when we got together. He didn’t. So when a telemarketer calls the house they ask for Mr. Bannan. Chris can truthfully say that he isn’t home, or that Mr. Bannan doesn’t live here. He used to hate it. Now it just makes him chuckle.
December 22, 2009 @ 11:12 pm
I changed my maiden name when I got married. I changed it back when I got divorced (I was pregnant at the time). My son has my maiden name. If I ever have another child, it will have my maiden name. If I ever get married again, he’ll have to deal. If I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t change my name. Of course if I had it to do over I wouldn’t have married the guy, but c’est la vie…
December 23, 2009 @ 12:12 am
I did change my name when I got married last year at the age of 44. I am not philosophically opposed to name changes, but I have been having a hard time emotionally with it, partly because I had my name for so long and partly because my husband’s parents are – how do I put this? – not my favorite and that’s putting it mildly. I love my husband but I want nothing to do with his parents. So although legally my surname is the same as his, I continue identify myself with my maiden name.
December 23, 2009 @ 9:38 am
I took my husband’s name when we got married nearly 20 years ago. And I’m still fine with it. I love my husband’s last name and his family. I didn’t have strong feelings about it either way. To me, it’s just a name–it has nothing to do with who I am or who I was or who I will be. And, yes, now that we have a school age son, it makes things a little easier for the world at large, but that really had nothing to do with why I did it all those years ago. It was almost a spur-of-the-moment kind of decision at the time, and honestly, the only one who had a problem with it was my editor (for the professional reasons you mention above) but he got over it. 😉
December 23, 2009 @ 10:05 am
I wanted to keep my maiden name but I also wanted the same last name as my kids. And I wanted my kids to also have my husband’s last name. So I hyphenated mine but my kids got their dad’s last name. I STILL get called Mrs. [husband’s last name] but I take it with a grain of salt. They are teachers, they’ve got lots to remember and at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter to me what they call me as long as they are teaching my kid what he needs to know.
December 23, 2009 @ 3:03 pm
I did change my name. Because I was a child bride : ) and at the time it wasn’t a big deal. His name was nice, so was my maiden name. I love my husband, and my kids wouldn’t care either way, but f I had it to do over, knowing what I know now and being who I have grown to be, I’d keep my maiden name. But I won’t change it back now. I will say that it is simpler to all have the same name but sometimes simplicity isn’t what it’s about.
December 25, 2009 @ 9:53 pm
I changed my name the first time I got married, at 27. Changed it back when I got divorced, at 30. By the time I found the person I should’ve waited for all along, I was 37 and firmly entrenched as a Koenig–I’d even taught everyone who knew me to pronounce it correctly (Kay-nig). Luckily, my real husband (that’s how I think of him; the first seems like a hazy dream at this point) never even asked about it. He knew me well enough to assume I’d keep my name. Our son is now 3 and it’s already a bit confusing, but I’m pretty sure we’ll prevail. It’s not *that* unusual anymore, is it?
December 31, 2009 @ 9:39 am
It never occurred to me to change my name, probably because my three older female cousins with my same last name didn’t change theirs when they married. I’ve never regretted it, even though people sometimes seem confused when they learn that my kids and I don’t share a name and certain older relatives can’t seem to wrap their minds around it.
Now that my husband and I are divorcing, I am especially glad I didn’t change it. I find it so weird when divorced women are still using their ex’s last name.
Happy New Year, Denise!
December 31, 2009 @ 11:00 am
I completely understand where you stand Denise and totally respect everyone’s individual take on this maiden name/husband’s name issue. I chose to take both my husband’s names _ I quickly shed the Quezada after our divorce and happily went back to my maiden name – Walsh – but then I re-married and took my second husband’s name. And actually, since we moved to his hometown in Ireland in July 2007 – having his name has been a real blessing – he comes from a small town, and everyone knows his family and his late father who was once the major fo the town so it has opened doors for me and given people an indication that even though I’m a “blow-in” (as they refer to new comers) and an American – the fact that I’m a McGee means I’m okay – and that honestly means a lot to me.
Happy New Year and thank you for your card!
January 5, 2010 @ 12:00 am
My name is part of me, and I couldn’t just let go of a part of me when I got married. My children have their father’s last name, and they know my last name. So far, there have been no questions. I have a feeling my girls already know their Mommy is “different,” and I like it that way.
January 5, 2010 @ 12:16 pm
Just wondering if there is anyone out there who did not change their name and gave the kids THEIR name? Why give them the dad’s name and not yours? I feel that if ANYTHING the kids should have the mom’s name, not the dads – after all we are the ones who gave birth, we are the ones (with exceptions of course) who generally sign the notes and deal with appointments and school – and post divorce (it happens…) then the kids would at least have your name. In Europe, where I am from (germany) most women who are not married or who keep their name, give the children the mothers name. Just a thought.
January 5, 2010 @ 6:07 pm
I think I should get some sort of award for the confusion I cause. I sign and go by my husband’s last name, but legally I’ve retained my maiden name. Taxes, mortgages and social security stuff is all under my maiden name. To cause even more confusion, when we moved to a new state, my driver’s license is now under my married name. I have step-kids that call me by a nickname and an aunt that calls me Lily (because as a baby, she thought I was as pretty as a Lily). Pretty much if something sounds vaguely like a name I recognize, I’ll answer to it.
January 8, 2010 @ 3:20 pm
Looking for advice/thoughts regarding my fairly traditional and active 73 year old mom, who has been married for 52 years to her first husband and, as “expected” back then, happily took his surname and became Margaret Ann LastName. (She goes by Margaret Ann or Marg). I recently casually mentioned to her about a fair number of gals I know that lately, for one reason or another, just happened to change their names in various ways and how it was “no big deal” these days.
Out of sheer curiosity I asked my mom if she’d ever considered adding her maiden name of Joy (also a short, pretty name as a woman’s name) as a middle name. (I said it gave her the option of being called Margaret Joy (like she is called Margaret Ann now) or Margaret Joy Lastname (by not including her given middle name). As I expected, my mom replied that she hadn’t ever thought of adding her maiden name (despite that one of my sisters goes by just her maiden name, one only uses her husband’s name socially and the third sister is known strictly by her husband’s surname). However, to my utter astonishment, my mom stated that she’d have to give it some “serious thought” (which is “Mom-ese” for “I think I REALLY like the idea”).
What advice or thoughts does anyone have about this? My mom lives in a Canadian province that allows a woman to simply “assume” a name. IF she decides that she wants to change her name (adding Joy as a second middle name – or in the (unlikely) event she’d want to hyphenate or “double barrel”), should she just “assume” the name and use it commonly (and maybe even change “unimportant” records like magazine subscriptions, e-mail, at organizations she belongs to, etc.) but not change important things (passport, driver’s licence, investments, etc.) given the hassle and potential for problems at her age (and use her “old” married name for those)?
To add an interesting “twist”, my mom become a dual Canadian/US citizen within the last few years – and my parents spend several months each winter in the southern US – so she has two passports, two driver’s licences and owns property in both countries. Between the winter travel and living in a border area where it is not at all unusual to make casual day trips across the border, names on passports and other official government documents seems to be becoming more important given today’s security restrictions.
Any and all input is appreciated.
January 12, 2010 @ 3:36 pm
I kept my maiden name when I married my husband. First, because I identify so strongly with my own name. Second, because he is Spanish, and in Spain, same last names are for siblings (they take two last names – Father’s Mother’s) rather than married couples. Given those two reasons, it made sense to keep my own. Given that I manage most of the financials around the house, we’ve gotten some good chuckles out of letters being addressed to Mr. and Mrs. (Maiden Name) rather than (Married Name). Still – I’d rather be called by Ms. (Maiden Name.) Although I am married, I do not consider myself a Mrs. What really irks me are the formal cards written to Mr. and Mrs. (Husband’s First Name, Husband’s Last Name). May I please exist separate from my mate?
Although we don’t have kids yet, we plan to do so, and will most likely give them my husband’s name. Although a part of me is sad to see my maiden name dissapear from the lineage, I want to honor my husband’s Spanish heritage and make that an important part of my (future) childrens’ lives – especially given that we are residing in the US. Any Spanish culture we can get is good!
Great post. Thanks for the thoughtful discussion.
January 13, 2010 @ 1:09 pm
I did not change my name, and I beat myself up over the decision for the first 10 years of my marriage. I thought there was something wrong with *me* that I didn’t automatically want to take my husband’s name. When my passport finally came up for renewal that year, I said f&*#$ it, this is my name and I’m keeping it. We’ve now been married 17years.
My husband has become Mr. Ingram and when my daughters friends call me Mrs. X (hubby’s last name), I just answer to it. However, some know to call me Ms. Ingram and that’s cool, too.
FYI, on my HUSBAND’s insistence, both of our daughters have Ingram as a middle name. And that’s the biggest brou-haha we’ve had over the whole name issue: they wish they had traditional middle names.
When they marry–if they marry–I’ll support my daughters in whatever decision they make about their last name.
Leah
January 14, 2010 @ 11:44 am
I did not change my name. Interestingly, my reasons reflect yours almost exactly. I can’t say I really like my last name, but I don’t dislike it and I had all the other reasons to keep it (family heritage, had it for a while, professional identity). One other reason was the absence of a good reason to change it and a hesitancy to go through all the silly trouble to do so. While engaged, I asked my fiance what he thought and he basically said, “do what you want”. He never cared and I never changed it. I love him just as much and like yours, my kids are handling it just fine. Ten years and 2 kids later, I have no regrets and certainly no guilt. One thing I have done, which I have found surprisingly easy, is this: I call myself Mrs. (husband’s last name) whenever I speak to the pediatrician or school teachers/administrators. I even sign notes to Jack’s teacher with Mrs. (Jack’s last name). My official name is on record, but for occasional calls and routine communication, what’s important is whose parent is on the phone. That is the purpose of my identifying myself and so I simply use my child’s last name. It is easier and I have no problem with it.
Recently (now that my oldest is 7) I have found myself pondering what to have other kids call me. I have decided to have them call me Mrs. (husbands/child’s last name). To them, I am Jack’s mom. It is easier for them to call me Mrs. (Jack’s last name). Could they call me something else? Sure they could, but why make their lives more complicated. It’s easier this way and they won’t be calling me at work, so I don’t have to worry about that.
P.S. One caveat: plane travel is a pain. I always bring along birth certificates, just in case.
March 11, 2010 @ 5:18 am
Hello,
I did change my name when I got married. I LOVED my maiden name, and still do. It was “Tickle” which was always a fabulously fun name and people always responded to it really well. (yes it is exactly like the Mr Men books, so my Dad is Mr Tickle) I have heard every possible joke you can imagine! But when I got married I thought about all the children/travel/paperwork issues. I never saw it as a feminist issue because I am me no matter what you call me. If I need my name to feel like a feminist then I think that makes me not strong enough in my beliefs.
But the reason I chose to change it is that my father does research for people into their family tree. He has traced our family back to about the 1600 and he said that when there are name issues it starts to mess up the family line and things become difficult to follow. It can be hard enough to follow a family correctly and so I chose to give up my very fun name and take on my married name. I don’t regret it. It makes it easier for everything else and it only took one week to get all my paperwork sorted. Took longer to get used to people calling out my name! But 10 years on I would still do the same thing.
July 12, 2012 @ 10:06 am
I really like this post! We have different last names, and my son has my name. It does confuse and even bewilder people…I love the reasons you outlined above for keeping Shipani (which is, I agree, a great name)…going to refer people to this post.