Other Parents’ Money: It’s Hard to Not Be Judge-y

How I (or you) break the bank is our own business. Isn't it?

So, I read this article on Yahoo’s homepage yesterday, about how Nadya Suleman, aka Octomom, spent more than $500 on her hair, while her kids walk around half-dressed and her plumbing doesn’t work (the very fact that I got sucked into the story is why I stopped using my Yahoo email address for anything other than shopping; I go to the page to check my mail and end up reading about how Chelsea Handler hates Angelia Jolie on behalf of her gal-pal Jennifer Aniston, and those are not minutes I get back at the end of my life).

In the piece, we find out that Suleman’s hairdresser, who came to her house to give her a Brazilian blowout (for the uninitiated, this is a hair-straightening process, not what you were thinking it was), and was appalled enough at the state of the house, with Suleman’s 14 kids wandering around half-dressed, hungry, and using potties in the backyard that she went home (with her $500 in hand, one presumes) and called Child Protective Services. What got me were many of the comments. As you might suspect, there were a LOT of comments, and most of them were scornful that Suleman prioritized her hair over her toilets. Which you’d expect, and which (assuming this is all true) is justified scorn.

Those who know me well, and those who’ve read my book (ahem, have you bought it yet?!) know that I’m a fan of moms prioritizing themselves (chapter 2!). But still. While I wouldn’t skip my hair color and cuts in favor of premium-brand sneakers for my boys, neither would I put the hair above, say, getting them shoes at all.

That’s a no-brainer for most parents,  naturally.

But what about other financial priorities? Reading that silly Suleman story, and the comments that totally judged the Octomom for her screwy financial choices, made me think: All of us can be judge-y about other parents’ money — and not just when money-spending choices are clearly wrong, but when they are simply different from ones we might have made.

I wrote about this very topic a little bit back, in a post for DailyWorth.com, in which I said that the $240 per month I spend on my sons’ piano lessons may look to some parents like folly. I mean, clearly my sons are not headed to Carnegie Hall. But those same parents might be shelling out what looks to me like an irresponsible amount of money for, say, private lacrosse coaching or costumes for dance competitions.

Here’s what I wrote — what do you think?

I spend $240 a month for my sons’ piano lessons—$30 per lesson, per kid, per week. It’s a competitive rate for our area, and I love our teacher’s approach. Translation: Even when the $240 is a strain, it has value—for us.

But recently another mom said “Oh, that’s expensive!” when I told her (on request) what we pay. But she’s got two daughters taking more than one dance class each: lessons, shoes, recital tickets, costumes… it’s got to run way more than $240 a month. (I have nieces. I know.)

So. We’re back to value. When you’re mulling over what other parents spend, it’s easy to get judge-y.

You can drive yourself around the bend wondering things like, “What are they trying to prove with the mega lessons/over-the-top birthday party/designer kid duds?” (Or worse, you can fall into the keeping-up-with-other-parents trap.)

Here’s what I tell myself: First, other parents spend on what they value. They can spend, overspend, or misguidedly spend, and you (or I) don’t have to like it. Or even get it.

Second, you never know: Maybe those parents found buried treasure in the back yard. Or maybe they live on credit and don’t care. Or maybe they think their kid really is the next Adele.

Either way, reaffirming everyone’s mutual financial freedom reminds me to value what I do for my kids, with my money.

[photo: Everystock]