Like any parent, I’m appalled and saddened and horrified in equal measure when I hear stories like the one about Phoebe Prince, the Irish girl who, after moving with her family to South Hadley, Massachusetts, was so mercilessly teased–both in the halls of her high school and online–that she committed suicide.
Like any parent, I get my dander up when I suspect even a hint of a school not taking bullying seriously. But seriously? Most schools so, even if they are, sometimes, out of their depth (for lots of reasons: because so-called “mean girls” can be really mean; because boys and girls can be stealthy in their torment; because victims often don’t speak up; and because the whole arena of online bullying offers so many options for abuse that linger much longer than a hallway taunt has the power to do).
I suspect that many schools, if not most, deal competently with bullies, in this age of emphasis on educational psychology, as well as so much anti-bullying awareness. A local friend of mine, a trustee of her school board, told me a terrible story about a group of middle school kids who set up a Facebook page to torment a particular kid. To the school’s credit, once the story came to light, all the students involved got the heat. Not just the kids who created the page and spearheaded the abuse, but even any student who simply signed on as a “fan” of the page. And good for those administrators.
But here’s the elephant in the room: where are the parents?
Now, I don’t believe that parents of middle- and high-school kids can be as savvy about what their kids are doing as, say, I can. But I do believe that we all, as parents, should start as we mean to go on. I’m constantly walking a fine line between wanting to know what’s going on in my sons’ lives, the part that exists outside the boundaries of our home, and letting them be free to make friendships and deal with the sometime fallout of those friendships. And I plan to continue that, as best I can. I don’t plan to give up, and I think a lot of parents do.
I wrote about this last summer, when it began to occur to me that too many parents toss up their hands with a, “well, they’ll do what they’re going to do anyway, so why try?” attitude that drives me right around the bend. I know the counterargument: Sure, Denise, you smug parent-of-grade-schoolers. Just you wait until they are in middle school and it’s all slipping out of your grasp. But is it, really? Plenty does elude parents, I know. But what about being the voice they hear in their heads? What if you make it crystal clear, from babyhood onwards, what behavior is okay and what is absolutely not okay, consistently and constantly, firmly and clearly, so that by the time they are 13 and 14 and 15, and someone’s handing them a bottle of vodka at a party, or someone’s inviting them to join a Facebook group whose sole purpose is to bully another student, they hear you, or something like you (hopefully, it’s their own voice, but your words, your values), in their heads saying, “I just know there’s something wrong about this,” and having the wits and the cojones to stick to their moral and ethical guns.
I know it’s not perfect, and I realize that even good kids with tough, involved parents do the wrong things. But what’s the alternative? Giving in? Washing your hands of the whole thing? Leaving bullying education up to the school?
Or worse, blaming the schools or TV shows or the ubiquity and often poisonous anonymity of the internet for your own children’s misbehavior? I could go on, but Washington Post columnist Richard Cohen said it all so much better than I could have in today’s paper. He notes, accurately, that the Phoebe Prince story, like similar ones, arouses familiar emotions in a TV viewing, paper-reading audience because:
…it is about cruelty, which we do not understand; lack of empathy, which we find frightening; and conformity and coercion. But mostly it is about how little we know our kids, the little beasts who live among us and can sleep with a teddy bear by night and text-message a 15-year-old colleen to her death by day. Who are these kids?
Indeed: Who are they? But, he goes on to say, why aren’t fingers pointed at the parents?
The so-called South Hadley Nine, the bullies who have recently been indicted in the Prince case, says Cohen:
…clearly needed some parenting — some intercession or maybe, even probably, a parent to do what their child all the time wanted: force them to stop.
Yep. They needed parents. Parents who had not given up, on them, on the ongoing shaping of their moral sense, on their behavior.
It starts in the playground. And it does. Not. Stop.
I completely agree–parents need to intervene. What pisses me off more than anything is that when you complain to coaches/parents about how they are treating your child you’re met with platitudes about helping YOUR child get a tougher skin. Sure, at 11 and 12 yrs old it’s teasing.. but what happens when those who have not been taught restraint and kindness have their hormones kick in? Then we all read these stories and shake our heads. The problem is waiting until it’s too late. It’s never “just teasing.” It’s wrong. It’s mean. I hate it. (A blog post I wrote yesterday which involves my own son and the beginning of cruelty) http://claudinejalajas.blogspot.com/2010/04/keep-talking.html
My boss (who raised two children as a working mom and biz owner) gave me really good advice when my son was born. She said, “Doreen, it’s good to be there for them when they’re little, but it’s more important you spend time out of work looking after them when they’re 12, 13 and 14 years old. That’s when the trouble hits. Not when they’re two.” Your post reminded me of why this advice is true. Being an involved parent doesn’t or shouldn’t stop when it becomes more difficult.
Are you sick of me leaving comments going “I SO AGREE WITH YOU!”? Because I do.
This issue hits home; just today I had a meeting with my son’s vice-principal because he’s been getting picked on. I’m pleased that the man took it seriously, and I’m pleased because my older son noticed what was happening with his brother and got involved.
I don’t get why parents aren’t concerned. I can’t imagine being like the mother who, when her daughter was implicated in Phoebe Prince’s death, just said, “All teens call each other names.” Um, what? I would be crushed. We need to be involved in our kids’ lives.
Denise,
We’ve discussed this many times, so you know where I stand. My son hates the questions we ask, the rules we set, the boundaries we provide. It’s one thing for him to walk into town in the daytime with a friend for a slice of pizza and a pack of gum. It’s another thing completely to drop teenagers off in the village, where they move in packs from street to street, with no purpose and no destination, while parents dine casually at the local eateries. My kids know where we stand on that too. The Facebook thing is tough-no matter how much you check their stuff, there are ways for them to sneak. So we keep talking, engaging and keeping the lines of communication open. And hope that our values and messages are heard and are remembered when they’re needed most. It’s scary. But we have no choice. We brought’em into this world. They’re our responsibility.
I was one of those faceless kids who was bullied relentlessly. I was about 11 or 12 the first time I thought about killing myself. My parents went to the school and told them exactly who was doing what. What my parents were told back was that the main person who was doing it wasn’t to blame because his father is a trucker and not always home. They were also told that it was at least part my fault because I was ‘an odd ball’. Not only did the parents never even know what was going on, but the school later gave the mother of one of them an award for being a pillar of the community.
Sometimes people fall through the cracks. I know that if my son is ever bullied I will go to hell and back to make it stop. And if I find out he is bullying there will be hell to pay.
I am in agreement with parents being partly to blame.I have a teenage son,twin 5yr old sons and 2yr old twins b/g.My oldest tells me on a regular basis how “uncool” I am,and how all his friends parents let them do all the things I won’t allow.Some of them do get to do what ever they wish,when I talk to parents I get “well what can I do?” and “how do you get your son to do chores?” Well I’m not the most favorite mom to the kids but they all enjoy our home as we expect them to follow our rules or they’re out,they all even pitch in with his chores,we’ve taken his friends with us camping,to drive-ins even without him,they all come for dinner whenever they can as we always have “some cool stuff your mom gets from that farm”I also talk to those kids like I talk to my son and let them know how we feel we should treat others,and expect it from them around us and our younger children!I’m happy to say that so far,my son has made some decisions in tough spots based on what I would’ve told him,so even though at home he”hates me & my rules”When he leaves he takes me with him in his head & heart I hope!
I can’t begin to tell you how much I agree. I’m so tired of hearing some variation on “Well, they’re going to do it anyway, so…” YES, kids are going to test boundaries, to see what they can get away with, absolutely. That’s why you have to HAVE boundaries. Otherwise it’s truly anything goes. And I really don’t believe most kids want that. I believe they want an out of situations that are over their head, whether it’s ganging up on another kid, sex, drugs or what have you.
Just yesterday I got a call from my son’s school saying I needed to pick him up because he had been assaulted by another student. My son is 12. The kid who choked him and hit him repeatedly in the head is 13 and 40 pounds heavier than my son. You could see the fingerprints and hand marks on my son’s neck as well the contusions that had been left when his head slammed into the table after the kid hit him from behind. Fortunately, my son is okay. If he had been standing, rather than sitting at a table I’m afraid it would be a different story. We filed a police report and the school acted in a most responsible way. After much thought my husband and I have decided to files charges against the boy. Since he’s 13, obviously not much will be done other than him being picked up by the police taken to the juvenile detention center, scared a bit and returned home. He will have a police record now. Sadly, the child is the product of a broken home. But he crossed a line and someone needs to be held accountable for the victimization of my son. I do think much of the issue lies with parental involvement, or lack of. It’s very sad, but I worry that the next child who is the recipient of this kid’s anger outburst won’t be as lucky as my son was. Great post!
[...] stories of bullying leading to suicide in young teens, even though most recent stories are about older kids and [...]