It’s been a busy month.
In case you have not noticed, my book was released last month (no! what’s that you say!?), and since then I’ve been consumed, for at least part of each day physically, and all of each day mentally and emotionally, investing in its (hopeful) success. It kicked off with the first-annual Local Author Fair at my library, which was a great success and a lot of fun.
I’ve been working the publicity front, with some decent success (though I’m hoping this is just the tip of the iceberg) with guest blog posts, like this one on Lenore Skenazy’s Free Range Kids; newspaper pieces, like an excerpt that ran in the Toronto Star; reviews, such as this one on Daily Worth; interviews, such as this one with on Where Parents Talk TV; and a live chat with a consortium of Canadian newspapers, which you can read here.
And here’s what’s happened — I’m finding, in a small way that I believe will grow — my tribe. My other mean moms. I knew y’all were out there! I am getting comments like the one below, that came through here on a day I was stressed to my eyebrows prepping for my son’s First Communion (my younger guy — remember him from this post?) Mr. Jealous from his brother’s big day two years ago was on top of the world for his own, as you can see:
But back to this comment, which made me just glow, inside and out:
I am almost finished reading your book … I have to tell you that I was relieved to know that there is someone out there who feels the way I do about a lot of the issues that our children face and that we face as parents. I get a lot of pressure from other moms to let my 5-year-old play Modern Warfare! …. Anyway I have been mucking along in this parenting world and feeling like I am a little lost at times but your book has been a God send to me.
I share this with you not to pat myself on the back so much, but to point this out: This reader (bless her) says she’s been “mucking along.” She was feeling lost, which is something I can relate to. Oh, sure, I talk a good game about being this no-nonsense Mean Mom (In fact, I talked about it to the tune of 10 chapters, yuck yuck yuck). But I have had moments, many of them, when I feel like this whole swimming-upstream thing is just too hard, that I’m just too alone. When my son tells me, wistfully and in that “why not me, too?” way that kids have, that his best friend has a computer (and apparently unlimited, unmonitored privileges on it) in his room, I want to gloss over it, distract him, or ignore it, rather than repeating, for the umpteenth time, in my sort of hard-ass way: “That’s what their family does, perhaps, but it’s not happening here, sweetie pie.” It’s tiring — and I know it doesn’t get much less so. It’s hard, and I understand that it doesn’t get easier as they get older. And the rewards aren’t necessarily always clear.
I got asked during a radio interview last week if I thought my subtitle – “why doing the hard stuff now creates good kids later” — was “true.” Was I sure I’d get the “good kids” part, after all the “hard stuff now” business?
Well, no, I’m not sure, to be honest. I’m hoping I will be. I think I have a very decent shot.
But what I’m most happy about is this: I’m not alone! There are more of you, hopefully many more (hopefully many more with Amazon trigger fingers!).
And that brings me to the second part of this post, which is this: I want you all to ask me questions, keep me on my toes. So I’m introducing, and plan to continue if it works out, a weekly “Ask the Mean Mom” feature. You ask, I’ll do my level, honest best to answer, or ask people smarter than me (come on, as my husband might say, is there anyone smarter than you? Good man).
So let’s start here, in the comments or, if you prefer, in a direct message. Ask me (almost) anything.
My question for the Mean Mom
–
How do you balance not being a helicopter parent with keeping kids safe. With the constant stream of news stories of kids being abducted or molested, rampant bullying with dire results, and other unimaginable horrors, how do you let go enough of your kids to allow them to grow and learn without leaving them dangerously unprotected?
Thanks! Love reading the blog!
Beth, I love that question, and it’s close to my heart, too. I will answer it best I can in an upcoming post, so stay tuned. But one small preview: the constant stream of news stories about kids being in danger are designed to keep parents scared (and keep them glued to the news!). They are not in proportion to your, or anyone else’s child being in actual danger.
Denise
Dear Mean mom,
I have issues with stubbornness in all three of my children. It’s a daily battle to get them to clean up toys or follow the minimal rules (don’t climb over gates, don’t hit, don’t climb and get things down from shelves.) I’ve tried special coins and then getting to buy something from a special trinket box at the end of the week with the coins, worked for a week, then the next two weeks were hell. Then we tried regular money and that again worked for a week. Am I just expecting too much for them not to get bored with a new system and then try to battle it? They also have short attention spans and want to spend hours with handheld games (which because of that they get taken away for days at a time). Long winded… so, do I just hover and scream until they do as they are told? Or do I give up? Because there isn’t anything left to take away for punishment!
At my whits end,
Amanda
Amanda,
thanks for the question, and I can very much relate. I’ll address this question in an upcoming post! meanwhile, hang in there.
Denise
Hey Denise Shipani! I wish you lived in my town, cause we could hang out while the kids are doing chores!
Thanks for writing on Lenore’s blog. I never would have found you if you hadn’t.
I am my neighborhood’s mean mom. My 2 boys, 6 and 10, do chores every morning, keep their rooms straight, are respectful, get their homework done without being told, and they get no screen time during the week. If I had a lawn, they would be mowing it. Was it hard to get them to do it? Definitely yes. It took the last 4 years. But its done, and they do everything without too much grumbling now. The one thing that people don’t seem to understand is that you have to repeat yourself A LOT before your kids start to listen and understand that you mean business. Quick fixes don’t seem to work with kids, go figure!
Strangest part, I think, is that other kids we know, friends of my kids, are asking their parents if they can have some chores too. The structure is soothing, and the knowledge that they can be an active part of their family, their home, and their lives is something kids desire, once we take away all the distraction.
I’m so excited to be a part of a tribe!
I have a question. How do you handle Wii screen time for play dates? Thank you!
Shannon,
Great question! My younger son is a screen junkie, or would be if I let him. He is “off” Wii right now, and his big thing is now Club Penguin. He has a neighborhood friend who is also into it, and the two of them actually talk on the phone from their respective homes while they play, or they get together and play. Thing is, he’s allowed about a half hour (sometimes a little more) after homework is done, so if his friend calls and or is over and they start playing, I have no problem saying, “time’s up, buddy,” even with the other kid in the picture. (“My mom says I have to hang up and get off the computer now,” is what I hear my son saying, which doesn’t mean it’s always easy). My suggestion would be to talk to your child before the playdate and outline the rules: “Luke, your friend will be here for two hours. It’s such a nice day, so why don’t you go right outside when he gets here and shoot some baskets. Later, you guys can spend 20 minutes playing your favorite Wii game.” Sometimes Wii can be a good thing with two kids, if they are interacting (playing a two-person game). When we run into problems is (a) too MUCH screen time, because it cuts out active time; and (b) if one child dominates the play and the other one just kind of watches.